


Pie and Pain

by UsernameQ



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Addiction, Alcohol, Alcohol as a Coping Mechanism, Angst, Attempted Suicide, Canonical Character Death, Cheating, Cutting, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Drug Abuse, Drugs, Fluff, Gay, Happy Ending, Love, M/M, Minor Character Death, PTSD, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Trigger Warnings, diner au, first fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-08-24 05:29:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 41
Words: 53,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16633856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UsernameQ/pseuds/UsernameQ
Summary: “I’ll take the Chef's Salad, please.""Just that? You sure?""Yes.""C'mon, man. Slice of pie? On the house. We can share it, even.""I'm fine, really.""Alright. One slice of pie comin' right up!"Dean’s life was fine. Perfect, even.And then he walked in.





	1. Chef’s Salad

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work, so it’ll be shitty.  
> The beginning is pretty cringy, but just... go with it, it gets better, I swear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'll take the Chef's Salad, please."

I fling the dirty rag over my shoulder, a sigh of contentment ringing throughout the diner.

My diner.

It's been two years and I never get tired of that. 

For most people, this isn't 'living the dream.' I run a diner out in 'the middle of nowhere.' My brother, Sam, sometimes comes out to help out, and my best friend, Charlie, is more than happy to work alongside me. For me, this is the only life I'd want to live.

While I continue cleaning the diner out, the bell rings at the front door. I smile and shake my head. Every day.

"Whatcha doin' here, Bobby?" I ask without turning to the door.

Bobby chuckles. "Can't your uncle just stop by?"

I face him, seeing his arms outstretched wide for a hug that I reluctantly give him. "Yeah, Bobby, but not you."

"Still not willin' to expand?" he sighs.

I shake my head. "I like being a lone diner, Bobby. Dean's Diner is stayin' in Kansas."

"I'll never get ya, boy. But it's your decision." Bobby sat down, gesturing for me to do the same. I swear, it's my diner, but Bobby's clearly the one in charge. "Anyway, how've ya been, Dean?"

I shrugged. "I'm doin' alright. The diner's holdin' up."

A light behind us turns off and Charlie struts towards us. "I'm headin' out, boss. Have a good night, Bobby."

"See ya tomorrow, Charlie."

Once the door closes again, Bobby turns to me, a stern look on his face. "You outta give that girl a raise."

I nod, chuckling. "Yeah."

"So, how's Sam?"

"Sammy's good. Comin' our tomorrow, I think. Bringin' Jess with him, I think."

"Good for him." Bobby glances at his watch. "Balls. I'm late. I gotta head out."

I give Bobby another hug, wishing him goodnight.

I finish closing up and drive to my apartment in my '67 Chevy Impala. I rap my fingers against the wheel as I murmur the lyrics to AC/DC songs, watching the sun fall.

The next morning, I make my way back to the diner. The drive takes some time, but I've never minded it. It gives me time to think. And I love watching the sky turn from red to orange to blue, or seeing the words 'Dean's Diner' slowly come in to view.

I see Charlie's little yellow car come in to view once I park my Impala, and a small smile forms on my lips. She really is the best employee I could ask for.

We begin to open up the diner, chatting and laughing. A few minutes before we open, Sam comes in. I pull him into a brief hug and hand him his hairnet.

"I thought I was going to serve food today," my brother comments, "not make it."

"You are, Sammy. But until you cut that mop on your head, the hairnet is staying on."

Sammy sighs, reluctantly putting it on.

The diner is bustling, and it's times like this that I wish we had more staff. The house is full and I can't cook eggs any faster. It's only me, Sam, Charlie, Gabriel, Balthazar, and Ash.

Every red cushiony booth is filled with one more person than it can hold, and the checkered floors are filled with people hoping to get in before brunch. It's just like I like it. There's the shrill cheer of children, the sound that I hope to hear from my own one day. 

But, as of now, this is my focus. My diner.

The day slowly comes to an end, the diner only clearing out ten minutes before closing. It may be a little drive to get here, but people love it.

The bell hanging from the front door rings, and I suppress a groan. I let the other workers off early, so I was the only person in the diner.

I thought it was a universal rule that you don't walk in to a diner—or any place, for that matter—when they're close to closing.

"What do you want?" I ask unable to keep my irritation out of my voice.

There's a deep chuckle. "The review's said you guys were nice."

That voice. Damn. It was sexy.

I turn to face the man—wait, man? Well, obviously. But, did I just call a man's voice sexy?—and see a smug look on his face. He has black hair and piercing blue eyes. He wears some jeans, a green shirt and a red coat, and while he should look homeless, he doesn't look half bad.

I mentally curse myself. I thought I was done having these thoughts about men. John always said they'd go away.

"Excuse me?"

I whip my head up, snapping out of my thinking. "Yes, sorry. What is it that you'd like, Sir?" 

"Oh, well, I was just driving by and my car broke down. Know anybody that could fix it up?"

"Yeah! I'm great with cars," I tell him, hoping not to sound too eager. "Do you want something to eat while you wait?"

He looks hesitant. "I don't wanna be a hassle. I know you're about to close."

"Oh, it's no problem. Please sit down." I lead him to a booth and hand him a menu. "Which one's your car?"

"The '78 Lincoln."

"I'll check it out. Be back in a moment."

As I walk out the door, I wonder what has come over me. There's something about this guy that just makes me... I don't know.

The car is out of gas, I quickly notice. I have some spare gas in the back of the diner, 'cause this isn't the first time this has happened. I quickly run inside and grab it.

When I go back to the man, his menu is closed. "See anything you like?" I ask.

"I'll take the Chef's Salad, please."

"Just that? You sure?"

"Yes."

"C'mon, man. Slice of pie? On the house. We can share it, even."

"I'm fine, really."

"Alright. One slice of pie comin' right up!"

The man shakes his head, though I see the smile he wears. I fetch the pie, thankful that there are two slices left.

"Blueberry fine with you?" I ask him. I move into the opposite side of the booth.

The man looks confused but accepts the pie. "Sure."

We both take a few bites, silencing consuming us almost as quickly as I consume the pie. "So," I start, mouth still full of pie, "you gotta name?"

"Yes."

"You wanna share it?"

"Castiel. Castiel Novak."

I put a hand out to shake his. "Dean Winchester."

Castiel's grip is firm, his hands smooth. I want to hold it a little while longer, but I don't dare.

"Where you headin'?" I question.

Castiel shrugs, stabbing his pie. "Nowhere special. Stayin' with a friend 'til I get back on my feet."

I nod, struggling to swallow my pie as my throat seems to tight. I finally do, and suddenly my plate is nothing but crumbs. "You got a job?"

"Not as of now."

"Passion?"

"Well, I think it'd be nice to be a teacher. A science teacher."

"That's cool."

"How about you?"

"I got this diner."

"Yeah, but any big dreams for it?"

I take a moment to think before shrugging. Of course I have ambitions, but there's no way they'd ever work. "Not really."

Castiel finishes his pie and shakes my hand. "Thanks for the help, Dean. And the pie."

I shrug, trying to ignore the blush creeping up on my face. "It was no problem."

"What was wrong with my car, anyway?"

"Gas."

"Of course. Well, still, thank you for the help."

"Anytime."


	2. Jerk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Jerk."
> 
> "Bitch."

I can't stop thinking about him.

The gruff face. The showings of stubble. The gravely voice. The smooth hair. The soft skin. The beautiful blue eyes that made me feel like I was lost at sea.

"Dean!"

I snap my head up to see my little brother and his girlfriend in front of me. I smile. "Great to see you, Jess," I great, pulling the blonde girl into a hug.

I slap Sam's shoulder. "You really did get lucky, little bro."

Jess looks around the place. "Hasn't changed since I last saw it."

I shrug, admiring the work. I had built it all from scratch. John was going to help me, but once he learned that I quit my job as a mechanic, he refused to be any part of my life. 'It's the family business' he insisted. 

"Anything new with you?" Jess asks.

I sigh. "Not really. How about you two?"

The glance nervously at each other, Jess bouncing on her toes. "Actually..." she holds up her left hand.

"I'm so happy for you guys!" I yank them both into a hug. How did I not notice it before?

"Yeah," Sam says, and I can hear the happiness in his voice, "we're engaged."

We chat for a while longer before I decide that Dean's Diner has to be ready for my customers. Jess is happy to help, though I insist she and Sam take the day to themselves. But, Jess is a stubborn one.

My employees show up, and Charlie is just thrilled about the news. Gabriel continues to crack jokes, Balthazar could not care less, and Ash pulls them into one sweaty hug.

"We gotta celebrate tonight," I tell them. "I'll call Bobby up. Maybe even Adam can stop by."

Sam reluctantly agrees though he doesn't want a large party. He doesn't even question why I don't mention John.

Business goes great, as usual. By the time the clock hits 1, we're out of apple and cherry pie. 

The diner starts to go quiet, so I walk over to the jukebox I've recently got and put on Traveling Riverside Blues. I can't help but do a little air guitar as I walk back to the kitchen.

But then I hear the voice.

"You work here?" 

And god help me if that isn't the sexy voice I heard last night.

Balthazar walks out of the kitchen. "Yes," he says, his British accent ringing through the diner. "And don't mention how ratty it is, it's the only--"

I whip my head back. "Balthazar," I warn, "don't talk 'bout my diner that way." Balthazar is an ass, and he'd be gone if his sandwiches weren't absolutely heavenly.

Balthazar rolls his eyes. "That's the boss," he explains to his friend.

I look into the blue eyes that I had been thinking about mere moments earlier only to see them staring back at me. "Hi, Castiel," I weakly greet.

He waves face shy.

Gabe comes out of the kitchen holding some burgers, running to the table that they belonged to. But then he looks at the door. "Cas!" he exclaims, rushing towards him.

Castiel gawks, loosely holding him in his arms. "Gabriel, I..."

I see the tears forming in both of their eyes. "I'm here, bro." Ah, so they're brothers.

"I thought that after dad left..."

"I ran here."

Castiel looked at Balthazar. "Did you know about this?"

Balthazar scoffed. "Of course I did. He's why I invited you here--why I insisted you come here instead of with Meg."

I see the sting in Castiel when he mentions the name. But, Castiel responds with a, "Thank you, Balthazar."

"Dean!" Charlie yells. "Could really use some help back here!"

I sigh. "C'mon, Balthazar, Gabe. You guys got work to do."

Castiel hangs around much of the day, chatting with the employees when he can. Balthazar and Gabriel try to convince him to get a job at the diner, but he declines.

At the end of the day, I clean up the diner quickly. I convinced Sam to celebrate at the diner, and I want it to look good for him.

The celebration couldn't be better. Sam, Jess, Bobby, Charlie, and Ash are all there. Even Gabe and Balthazar come. 

And so does Castiel.

I try to stay away from him. There's something about the guy that makes me go crazy. If John ever found out...

But John isn't here. This is my life.

Adam isn't able to come, saying his life is literally hell with his mom, and he has to support her. Ellen and Jo come out, and I can't help but notice the almost nonstop flirting coming from Jo. Normally I reciprocate, but tonight... I'm not feeling it.

"What's wrong, dude?" Sam asks.

I shake my head. "Nothin'. Just can't believe you managed to do something."

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

"But no, really. What's wrong?"

I sigh. "Really, it's nothing?"

"Is something up with you and Jo?"

I hesitate. "No."

I look around the room, avoiding my brother's eyes. But then I meet Castiel's. Of course I meet his.

Sam slaps my shoulder. "It's him, isn't it?"

I scoff. "What? No, Sammy, thought you were smarter than that."

"I am smart. That's the thing. I can tell when you like someone, Dean. And that guy... you like him."

"I'm straight."

"No, you're not. You think I didn't hear Dad yellin' at you to stop being a little fag?"

I clench my eyes. 

"I'm sorry," he quickly apologizes. "It's just, I got engaged, and I want you to enjoy yourself. Just go talk to him."

I agree. 

My bow-legs are wobbly as I walk towards him. "Castiel, is it?" I ask.

He nods. "Yeah. But, most friends call me Cas."

I smile. "Does that make me a friend?"

"Depends." Cas' eyes flick to my lips. "Do you wanna be?" 

A soft chuckle escaped my mouth. "Sure as hell I do."

Our interaction is almost more intimate than if we had made out. The eye-fucking was intense, brutal, and nonstop. I'm surprised that some people didn't notice it.

The night comes to an end. We all hug each other goodbye. 

"You better get some tonight, Sammy," I whisper in my brother's ear.

He blushes and shoved me aside, grabbing Jess' hand and leaving.

Cas begins to collect his things.

"Leavin'?" I question.

Cas nods. "Yeah, I better head out."

"I better, too. But it was nice meeting you. Properly, that is."

"Agreed. I'll be stayin' with Balthy for a little, so maybe it won't be the last you see of me."

"I sure hope it isn't."

"Me too."

"Have a nice night, Castiel."

"You too, Dean."


	3. Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What do you want to know?"

The construction is nonstop.

Beside my diner, a new building is being... well, built. It's relentless. My customers can barely stand it. But, they say construction will be over soon.

Meanwhile, I allow my thoughts to wander to Castiel. I continuously look out the kitchen to see if Cas'll be there. I feel childish, but I can't help it. 

I want to learn more about Cas. Balthazar doesn't tell me much, and Gabe is desperate to learn more about his brother himself. Gabe explained that he was older than Cas, and once his father left, so did Gabe. 

It's heartbreaking. I wouldn't be able to bare leaving my brother. My one job is to take care of him. I would refuse to leave.

It sounds like the Novak family is a decent size—also having brothers Michael, Raphael, and a sister named Rachel—but most left with their dad, Chuck. Just like Gabe, Cas hasn't seen them since.

And then he walks in.

My heart pounds as I see his large, almost 6 foot frame walk in to the diner. I hastily excuse myself, walking over to the table he was placed at.

"Back again?" I ask.

Cas chuckles, looking up at me. "Guilty."

I slide in to the booth. "You got company coming? Or just you?"

"Gabe said I should come for his lunch break. I'm a little early, but, it's fine."

Cas' eyes flicked to my lips as I wet them with my tongue. I wanted nothing more than to stare in to this man's eyes for hours on end. His broad shoulders and strong arms holding me. 

I clear my throat. "Well, I better get back to work."

"I get it."

"Have fun with Gabriel."

"I will."

As I walk back to the kitchen, I can't help but glance back a few times.

Today Jess and Sam agree to work again. I offer to pay them, but they love working here. When they aren't, Sam is writing his next supernatural story—wolves, ghosts, wendigos, demons, angels, that stuff. Jess, on the other hand, is training to be a nurse. Sam's writing leaves them with more than enough money, so the only work Jess is currently doing is working here.

Because of their help, I'm able to give Gabe a little longer of a break so he can hang out with Castiel. I tell Gabriel this immediately, and he instantly takes the break.

Charlie laughs at Gabe's amusement, and I hear Gabe yell, "Move it, Samsquatch!"

~

I laugh, giving Cas a light push. 

It's been a week, and in that time, Cas and I have grown close. I've accepting my feelings for him, but I've also accepted that those feelings are reciprocated.

"I gotta get back to work, bud," I tell him.

"Alright. Bring me a slice of pie?"

"'Course."

As I walk past the jukebox, I put on 'Eye of the Tiger' by Survivor. I lip sync the song, dancing and pointing to Cas as I back away. The smile that comes to his face as I do it brings me joy.

'Eye of the Tiger' is arguably one of the best songs ever. Even when I walk in to the kitchen, I can't help but air guitar a little. Ash instantly joins me, his mullet perfect as he bobs his head. Balthazar scoffs as he looks away, Charlie cheers us on, clapping. "C'mon, Dean-o!" Gabe encourages—one of the few pieces of encouragement I'll get from him.

Eventually, we all get back to work, and someone plays 'Cross Road Blues' by Robert Johnson.

This diner really couldn't get better. My employees—for the most part—are great, my customers are even better, and it gives me an excuse for eating as much pie as I like. 

Sam and Jess are leaving in a week, so they've been spending as much time here as they can. They always refuse my offers to take the day off or to accept money, claiming they just love being here. 

The place next door has finally been built. It's called Lucifer's Cafe.

"Lucifer's Cafe!" I screamed at Sam. "And their specialty is cake. Cake, Sam! They're stealing my customers with cake."

Sam sighed. "It's just the hype, Dean. Your diner'll be back on track after the new restaurant hype calms down."

I scoff. "It's run by a guy named Crowley. His name just sounds evil. He's the devil himself."

"I think that's an exaggeration, Dean."

"Really, Sam, really? He named his cafe frickin' Lucifer."

All of my employees despised Lucifer's. Because we were getting less business, we were making less money.

Bobby in particular hated it, though. He hated Crowley more than anything. Said he made bribes with people to get his cafe so popular. Deals that made Lucifer's voted the 'best cafe' in the two days it had been open. If you asked me, he was definitely something close to the devil.

I ranted about this to Cas.

"It'll be fine," he assured me. "Dean's Diner will always be the best place to eat out here."

"He has cake, Cas. Cake. Who would want that?"

Castiel chuckled. "We've been over this enough, Dean. Cake is not pie. It'll never be pie. But... competition was inevitable, right?"

"I guess," I grumble.

"Stop being a child."

I cross my arms and pout, but then immediately realize that it isn't helping my case. I manage to compose myself like an adult. "I'm not a child," I argue.

Cas scoffs. "Keep tellin' yourself that."

"I will. But, how 'bout you? Anything goin' on?"

"Not really."

"You haven't told me much about your past. If you're ready, I'd love to know."

"What do you want to know?"

"What was your family like?"

"Well, I had a deadbeat dad, a mother that cared about her kids more than anything in the world, my brother Gabriel, my sister Rachel, and then my jerk brothers Michael and Raphael."

"Alright, how about Balthazar? How'd you guys meet?"

Castiel took a deep breath. "He was my only friend, after Gabe left. I loved  Rachel, yes, but she was a little sister, and I had to take care of her. She wasn't like Gabe, who I could joke with and shove and she wasn't a shoulder to cry on because I had to be strong."

"She... was?"

"She... she died when we were young. Teenagers. She was 14, got heart cancer. I don't even know if my dad knows, because he was gone when she got it, and gone when she gave up."

I placed a hand on his. "I... I'm sorry."

"It's fine. Is that all?"

"Well, Balthazar mentioned something about Meg? Who was she?"

Pain swells in Cas' eyes and he look away from me. 

"I'm sorry," I apologize. "I didn't mean—"

"No, I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm not ready to talk about it."

"It's fine. I get it."

Cas pulls his hand away, and I suddenly feel the coolness of the table. "What about you, Dean? What's your past?"

I clear my throat. "Well, I also had a deadbeat father. My mom died in a house fire when we were young. Some gas leak or somethin'. Sammy never really got to know her, only six months old. But, Dad always got drunk, so we spent most of our time with Uncle Bobby. You met him at the party, I think."

"Yeah, I remember. Seems like he's be the one getting drunk."

"Oh, I'm not saying he didn't. But, John—my dad—was a violent drunk. Bobby wasn't. And when Bobby was too drunk, we'd go to Ellen's bar, where I met Ash and Jo.

"Sam went to Stanford. He wanted to be a lawyer, but he had a real talent for writing. He met Jessica, who is now training to be a nurse. They're just perfect. Me, though, my only talent was eating pie."

"C'mon, Dean, I bet you had more talents than that."

"Not really. I dropped outa school and learned to cook. And then I opened this diner."

"Good for you."

"Thank you."

"Well, I bet you'll beat Lucifer's Cafe and Crowley. I feel it."

"I'm glad you feel that way, but I'm not too sure."

"I am."


	4. Straight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m straight, Char.”

Sam invited me over for a movie tonight.

He said he wanted to get to know me more. He was also confused on how I had never seen Star Wars.

It all came about during the first week I met the Winchesters, and they were telling me about themselves. Regarding Sam's job as an author, Dean said, "I love him, but I swear he writes like friggin' Yoda."

"I don't understand that reference," I admitted, and I couldn't tell who was more surprised—Dean or Sam.

Dean is a geek. He tries to hide it, but I see through him. He is, at heart, a fanboy. He didn't want to admit it, though, so Sam insisted I watch at least one Star Wars movie with him.

I was in Sam's hotel room, and the movie was playing, but we didn't pay much attention to it. Though, whenever Yoda was on-screen, Sam would point at the television and turn my head saying, "That's Yoda, Cas, that's Yoda!"

When Yoda wasn't on-screen, Sam was telling me about Jessica. "I just," Sam throws himself on the hotel bed, and I sit beside it, "I love her, man."

I laugh. "I'd hope you did."

Sam rolls over so his head is above mine. He ruffles my hair, and I shove his hand away. Sam sighs. "I don't know, Cas. There's just somethin' about her. I mean, she'll make me whatever food I want! I don't—Look, Cas, Yoda, that's Yoda!"

"Yes, Sam, he's been on-screen at least ten times."

"But, as I was saying, I don't even ask Jess for the food, she just loves making it!"

I chuckle. "Dean makes me food without me asking, so I guess I love him, too."

For a few seconds, the only sound is the running movie. But then, Sam replies, "He'd be alright with that."

"Huh?"

"He'd be alright with you loving him, you know."

I start to blush. "W-Why're you saying that?"

"Well, have you seen the way he looks at you? Or, the way you gaze into his apple green eyes," Sam trails off in a dramatic dreamy voice, "his fluffy pink tongue trailing across his luscious pink lips—"

"Fluffy pink tongue? Fluffy?"

"I don't know, man!"

~~~

Sam is hanging with Cas tonight, so I get a girls' night with Charlie.

Just like Cas and Sam would be doing, Charlie and I put on the Star Wars movies. I continue to make fun of her Princess Leia tattoo, and she continues to flick my head and insist we watch Harry Potter instead.

Eventually, the movie continues to roll but Charlie and I just talk. 

My mouth is stuffed full of popcorn, and a grab a piece from the bowl and flick it at my friend. Charlie slaps me playfully before her face turns questioning. "What do you think about Castiel?" 

"What?" I try to ask, though with all the popcorn in my mouth it's difficult to understand me.

"I mean, you'd say he's handsome, right?"

"Charlie, are you coming out to me?" I ask, fake gasping. "Are you straight?"

Charlie shakes her head. She lays on her stomach on the couch, and I sit with my back against it. The popcorn bowl rests in my lap, and Charlie grabs a piece. I wack her hand away, but she eats what she grabbed deviously. "But, seriously," she continues after swallowing, "what's your guys' deal?"

"What deal? There's no 'deal'."

"Uh, yeah there is, Dean. You two are totally in love."

"I'm straight, Char."

"Then so am I! Look, Dean, we both know you're not straight." Charlie flips around, her stomach facing in the air and her head hanging off of the couch. "I can't count the number of times you've drunkenly flirted with guys. And not to mention the total crush you have on Dr. Sexy, or—"

"You got any romantic interest?" I ask, hoping to change the subject. "I'd be down with you datin' Jo."

"Dean, if Jo's dating anyone, it's you. Though Ellen may not allow that. But, anyway, you need to tell Castiel how you feel. I can guarantee that Castiel is head-over-heels about you, too."

I sigh, defeated. "Alright. Say I do like him. How would I... how would I go about telling him?"

Charlie smiles. "Now we're gettin' somewhere." She flips back on to her stomach and grabs more popcorn. "Yeah, get it, Leia!" She exclaims, looking back at the movie. She then turns her attention back to me. "Alright, it's really not difficult. Just say 'I like you, will you go on a date with me?'"

I shake my head, turning my body so my back is against the table in order to better face her. "The words are easy, sure, but it's a lot more difficult than that."

Charlie frowns. "I know it'll be hard for you. But you have to remember, John isn't here. He doesn't have to control you anymore."

I wince as Charlie lays a hand on my shoulder. She means to be comforting, and I appreciate it, but with the memory of John up...

"I'm sorry," Charlie says, pulling her hand back.

I shake my head. I've told Charlie all of my past. The only person that knows more is Sam. 

And though Charlie knows about John, it always hurts when she brings him up. 

"I saw you kissin' that boy, Dean!"

"I'm sorry, Dad, I'm sorry!" I apologize, tears rushing down my face. "I didn't mean—"

Whip.

I let out a shriek as the belt hits my bare back, adding to my collection of scars. "I don't accept faggots in this house, boy!"

Whip.

"Please, Dad, please stop..."

"I can't have my son thinkin' it's okay to be a fag. What if you pass those ideas on to Sam?"

"I'm sorry, just please stop..."

"It is hard, Charlie," I admit, pulling myself from my nightmare. I feel the tears swimming in my eyes. "It is hard."

Charlie hops off the couch, pulling my body into her small frame. "I'm so sorry, Dean," she continues to say. Her fingers trail over the scars tracing my back, and I hold my head on her shoulder, letting the tears fall.

"It's hard, Charlie."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."


	5. Pie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There can be pie.”

I wake up, my eyes crusted over and my neck terribly sore.

Disorientated, I look around the room and realize I'm at Charlie's. The tv is showing the credits of the last Harry Potter movie, which we somehow ended up watching. I'm laying across the ground, arm up on the table and Charlie above me on the couch. My head pounds and I see the beer bottles scattered across the table.

I'm almost positive we were in Charlie's room, but stuff happens.

Popcorn is scattered about my body and I rub my neck wearily, wishing the sun would turn down its brightness. Charlie snores loudly beside me, and I repeatedly slap her 'til she wakes up.

Charlie isn't happy about being awake, either. 

"Char," I repeat until her snoring stops. She throws my arm away. "Char, what time is it?"

Charlie groans before grabbing her phone. "8:17," she tells me.

I jump up but immediately regret it. "Work," I groan, stumbling around. "We're late for work."

"Ugh, I'll just call in sick. Let's just sleep forever, Dean."

"Charlie, I'm you're boss. I know you're not sick. So c'mon and get ready. We're already late."

Charlie protests, but I ignore her.

By the time I get to Dean's Diner, I'm already half an hour late. The other employees are in the diner serving customers. I assume Sam let them in using his key.

As Charlie and I stumble into the diner, I profusely apologize, wincing at the noise level from the guests.

"Geez," Gabe comments, "what freaky positions did you two try last night?"

Charlie shakes her head. "Not my type, Gabriel."

"How 'bout me, short-stacks? 'm I your type?"

"Wrong gender, Gabe."

Gabe frowns, running back out of the kitchen to serve the guests.

The day seems to go by slowly. Time crawls.

By the time Castiel walks into the diner, I'm on break munching on some delicious cherry pie. I shovel the pie into my mouth and go over to him.

"Hey," I greet. "Did ya like the Star Wars movies?"

Cas rolls his eyes. "It was just a series of Sam yelling an old green dude's name over and over."

I sit across from him, just as I always do, but I notice I can't seem to meet his ocean-like eyes. "What's up?" I ask.

Cas tried to meet my eyes but quickly lowers his head. "What do you mean?"

I sigh. "C'mon, buddy. Talk to me."

I think back to what Charlie said last night—well, the part of last night that I remember. What if Castiel really does like me? What if I really like Cas? I wring my hands together, suddenly not too eager to look at him, either.

"Nothing's up, Dean."

"Alright, Cas. Whatever you say."

I look up to the kitchen and see Charlie giving me a thumbs up. I look back at my brother and see him wiggling his eyebrows. I wave him off.

I clear my throat, suddenly anxious. "Hey, Cas," I begin, and I finally see his eyes, looking right at mine, filled with hope, "how would you like to go on a da—"

"Cassie!" Balthazar greets, hugging Cas. 

Cas groans. "Please don't call me that."

Gabe walks over. "Cassie!" He too yells, arms thrown up.

Cas doesn't object the name.

"Oh," Balthazar whines, "so he can call you it, but I can't?"

Cas shakes his head. "Gabriel's my brother."

I lower my head to my hands. "Oh," Balthazar says, eyes flicking between me and his friend, "am I interrupting something?"

I shake my head, getting up. "No, not at all. Have a nice break, you two." I begin to storm off, heart pounding from what I was about to ask.

Gabriel laughs. "Jeez, what's got his panties in a bunch?"

I clench my eyes and fists and rush back to the kitchen.

At the end of the day, I'm cleaning up the diner, as always. I love being the last one here, seeing the sunset as I clean the tables. They're already clean, but I can't help the satisfaction that comes with cleaning them.

The bell rings and I lift my head to see Bobby. "Sam and Jess aren't here," I tell him.

Bobby shakes his head. "I'm not here for them, ya idjit. I'm here for you."

"Why?"

Bobby pulls out a chair, taking a seat. "Well, that depends; you still not wantin' to expand Dean's? Make a chain of 'em?"

I shake my head. "Nope."

"Alright. Then I'm here to talk to you 'bout somethin' else. How 'bout that Cas boy?"

I roll my eyes. "Bobby, what're you talking about?"

"I've been watchin' ya, Dean. I see the way your eyes light up around him."

I shake my hood, looking away from him. "You're crazy."

"Don't call me crazy, boy. I know love when I see it."

I sigh, sitting across from Bobby. Bobby was the first to realize I wasn't straight—before John, even. I'm not sure when—maybe it was when I'd put up posters of shirtless guys leaning on cars in my bedroom at his house, or when I'd start ogling hot male actors, or the time I brought a boy over to Uncle Bobby's house to play video games. But, Bobby found out. He was the one person I could always talk to.

"I was gonna ask him out," I admit.

Bobby smiles, slapping my shoulder. "Good for you, boy! But why didn't you?"

I sigh. "Balthazar and Gabriel came over. Didn't seem like the time."

Bobby nods. "I'm sorry, son."

I shrug. "It's alright."

"But you'll get your chance."

The bell at the front door rings and both Bobby and I whip our heads that way.

It's Cas.

"Maybe your chance is right now," Bobby smirks. "Well, I better head out, son. I'll see ya."

I nod, waving goodbye. Then Cas takes a seat in front of me.

"I hope I'm not intruding, but I saw the light was still on and—"

"You're alright, Cas. Now, why're you here?"

"Well, I was just wondering... you starting asking me something earlier and... I don't know, I guess I just wanted to know—"

"What it was?" I finish.

Cas nods.

I take a deep breath, trying to ignore the fact that my heart is beating so fast I may go in to shock. "Well, I was going to ask..." I can almost see Charlie, see the little redhead waving at me, her smile wide as she glances between me and Castiel, "...would you like to go on a date with me?"

Cas smiles, taking my hand in his. "Yes. I'd love to."

I grin ear-to-ear. "Great! Well, what should we do?"

"Are you free Friday?"

I scoff. "I'm free every day, as long as it's after 7."

"How about 8 on Friday?"

"Can there be pie?"

"You really like pie, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"There can be pie."


	6. Squirrel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Whatever you say, Squirrel."

A booth is open.

A booth is open.

I glare out the window, seeing the line forming outside Lucifer's. Ever since the place started taking off, my customers have been going over there.

For cake.

"I'll be right back," I tell my employees, storming out. Sam tried to stop me, but I rush right past him.

Lucifer's is a nice little place. Modern seating, desserts, the smell of coffee and cake running in the air.

"I wanna talk to Crowley," I demand the hostess.

The hostess rolls her eyes. "He won't see you."

"I demand—"

"C'mon, love," a British accent stops my foot from slamming against the floor, "let 'im see me. Dean, is it?"

I turn to see a man a good few inches shorter than me, but a good few years older. He wears a black suit with a red tie that I find to be way too fancy to be wearing. "Yes," I growl put. "Crowley, I'm guessing?"

"Ding ding, the one and only. Now, what is it that I can do for you, darlin'?"

"Don't call me 'darling,'" I warn, following him to an office.

"Alright, alright. Where's your little sidekick? The big one, shaped like a moose?"

"He's not my sidekick, he's my brother."

"Whatever you say, Squirrel."

God, those nicknames. I hate them.

"Now, it's clear you're here for business. What is it that you'd like to discuss?"

"You're taking all my business, all my customers!"

"And?"

"And? And I want them back! I want you out of here."

"Oh, but darling, I have only just begun."

I scowl. "Then your cafe name really represents who you are."

Crowley scoffs. "Please. I don't even like the name, it just draws attention. And, if your food was half as good as the macho act you put up, you wouldn't lose any customers. Anyway, I believe our business is done here, don't you think? If you want, you can grab a slice of Hell Cake as you walk out. It's got devil's food cake, chocolate ganache, peanut butter, the whole parade."

My jaw clenches and I go back to my diner, refusing the cake.

"Who does he think he is?!" I yell as I storm in. I startle our customers, and Sam and Jess immediately come to me.

"Woah, D, what happened?" Sam grand my shoulders, stopping me.

"I'll tell you what happened. That man insulted me and my diner!"

"Dean," Jess begins, looking cautiously around at the patrons, "let's take this outside, and make it a little quieter." She whispers to Sam, "I'll get him some pie."

"Make it cherry," Sam tells her, and she scurries off as Sam all but drags me outside.

"I will not stand for this!"

"Dean, it's alright. Just relax. Jess is getting you some pie, and in a few days, the buzz'll die down. Just wait it out. It'll be fine."

Jess comes back holding a plate with cherry pie and a fork. I grab it from her, shoving a forkful of the goodness into my mouth. "It's not fair," I grumble around it.

Jess gives Sam a peck on the lips before heading back inside Dean's Diner to tend to the customers.

"What's not fair, Dean?"

I swallow. "Why does he just get it all so easily?"

"Get what easily?"

"The customers!"

"Hey, what's going on here?"

I look up to see the eyes of the man I've fallen for and suddenly find myself much calmer.

Sam sighs. "He's freaking out over Crowley. Insulted his manliness, I guess. You wanna take him?"

Cas nods. "Sure."

Sam thanks him quickly before heading back to the diner with Jess.

Cas stands beside me. My mouth is full of the cherry pie. "Did he hurt your feelings?"

"Yeah," I answer, crumbs spewing out of my mouth.

"Can you not eat while I'm talking to you?"

"It's really good pie, though."

"Alright. Let's talk about something that'll calm you down. Are you excited for our date?"

I smile. "Yes." Our date is perfect. He's going to show me his amazing cooking skills while I bake us a pie. It'll be perfect.

"Good. Have you figured out what kind of pie you'll make?"

I hold up the plate. "Cherry." In two more bites, all that is left on the plate is crumbs.

Cas laughs. "Well, you're calmer now, so... I'll see you at 8?"

"Totally."

Finally, 8 o'clock arrives. I drive down the Cas' place—though, really it's Balthazar's. Cas has assured me, though, that Balthazar won't be there.

Bouncing on my toes and adjusting my dress shirt, I ring the doorbell. When Castiel opens the door, the aroma of steak hits me.

I smile. "You gonna let me in?"

Cas nods, stepping aside. "Please do come in. But, take your shoes off. Balthazar is picky, and until I can find my own place..."

I nod, obliging. "So," I sniff the air, "what's cookin'?"

"Right now, steak." Knew it. "I'm thinking I'll add some asparagus and mashed potatoes on the dish, too. In the meantime, please, sit, make yourself feel comfortable."

I do as he says, turning on the tv. I flip through channels until I finally find Dr. Sexy M. D. It's an old episode, but I can't help but watch it. Eventually, I grow bored and go over to Cas. 

He's cooking the steak, and I slither my arms around his waist. Cas hums. I rest my chin on his soldier. "I'm gettin' hungry," I mumble.

"Well, you'll just have to wait."

I smile.

"Can you leave? Because," Cas looks back at me, "those lips make it really hard to concentrate.

I can't help but dart my tongue out, wetting the very lips he's talking about. "Do they now?"

Cas shakes his head, shoving me off him. "Five minutes."

It only takes three.

The steak is the best I've ever had. In fact, all of it is fantastic. I continue to praise the chef all night.

Eventually, I bake my pie. Cas and I laugh as we eat it and talk, and I love the way his laugh sounds. The way one side of his mouth goes up when he smiles. He looks so cute when he tries not to spit out the pie with his laughter, and look just gorgeous when he gazes at me.

The night rounds out to be perfect.

"Thank you," I tell him as I slide my shoes on.

Cas shakes his head. "No, thank you."

We both stare at each other for a while. My eyes flick to his lips, then his flick to mine, and I love the way he smiles when he notices me leaning in.

I feel my eyes fluttering closed as my lips mold against his. His are chapped, but soft. Full. 

This is the first time in years I have kissed a male.

Cas put his hand on my shoulder, and I put mine on his head. I want to go deeper, I always do, but I don't—can't—mess anything up with him. Not with Cas.

I pull away smoothly, noticing the way his lips are slightly more large, red, and wet. He looks to flustered.

I smirk. "I'll see ya, Castiel. Have a nice night."

"You too, Dean. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"I'll be at the diner."

"Then I will be, too."


	7. Cherry Pie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m your cherry pie.”

"I'm gonna miss ya, little brother."

"I'll miss you, too, Dean. We'll make sure to call."

"Good luck with your next novel. It'll be great, I know it."

"Good luck with Crowley."

"Sam and I'll send you information about the wedding once we get it, Dean. Until then?"

"Until then, Jess. Safe travels. Have fun at school."

"I will."

I give them both one last hug. "You gonna stop by Bobby's before you leave?"

Sam nods. "I figure we have to. Then we'll be outta your hair for a while."

"You were no problem at all, Sam. And, once again, congrats."

"Thanks, Dean. See you then."

"See ya then."

I sigh as the happy couple—engaged, may I remind you—walk out of my apartment door.

I told them all about my date with Cas,—they were both thrilled,—and Jess told me about school. Sam said he'd name a demon 'Crowley' in his next book, which made me ecstatic. Said he may even add angels to the book. Name one Castiel. With Cas' permission, of course.

Now they're gone. Off to Bobby's, and then they're back at Stanford.

The diner is closed today. Figured it was time to give all my workers a break.

I spend most of the day eating pie, watching Dr. Sexy M. D., Scooby Doo, or The Suite Life of Zach and Cody. All great shows in my book.

Eventually, when it becomes late enough, I head down to a bar. 

It's not like life has been miserable. Not exactly. But it's been weeks and the so-called 'buzz' of Lucifer's isn't calming down. I'm losing my customers. Money is at an all-time low. Rent is coming up, and it seems less and less like I'll be able to afford it. I may have to sell some cd's, or if worse comes to worse, the Impala.

And that's the last thing I want to do.

So I drink, hoping to drown those sorrows.

Karaoke starts up, but I've never been one for it. No, not while I'm still sober enough to know what I'm doing.

I drink and drink and drink. First, it was some beer, whiskey, simple stuff. Then I moved to shots. And I think I may have moved to martinis; anything strong, anything that has an ounce of alcohol, I think I've had tonight.

Out of my blurry vision, I see Castiel approach me.

"Cas!" I cheer, raising my shot glass above my head. "Cheers!" I down it, ignoring the urge to gag.

Cas sighs. "Let's go, Dean."

I shake my head. "Not—" hic "—not yet, buddy." I lean in, smothering Cas' lips with my own. I practically collapse on his body. He pushes me back up.

"Do I need to drag you to the car?"

"Wait! I-I got an idea!" I stumble at what seems like lightning speed over to the stage. Two teenage girls—who definitely aren't old enough to be drinking—are doing karaoke, but I shove them off. 

"Alright all ya drunks," I say, wobbling around, "this one goes out to my favorite person over there, Cas. Cas—Cas, this one... this one's for you!"

I lean over to the guy working the machine. "Play Cherry Pie by Warrant."

The boy looks unsure but complies.

"Well swingin' on the front porch swingin' on the lawn  
swingin' where we want 'cause there ain't nobody home." I belt the music out, almost never at the correct time.

"She's my cherry pie  
cool drink of water such a sweet surprise  
tastes so good make a grown man cry  
sweet cherry pie oh yeah." I see Cas shake his head as I scream the chorus. 

By the time I finish the song, I'm covered in beer both from spilling some on me and others throwing it at me. I laugh, hiccup, and almost cry all on my short stumble over to Cas. I fall into his outstretched arms.

I smile, face smashed in his shoulder. "Did you—" hic "—like it?"

Cas laughs, shaking his head as he all but drags me to the car. "I loved it, Dean."

"You know, you... you're my, my cherry pie, Cas. You know that, right?"

Cas settles me into the passenger seat of his car, buckling me up like a child—which could do more than I can right now. 

"I know."

"I wanna... I wanna kiss you, Cas. C'mon. I'm flexible, I can do it in the car."

Cas sighs, giving me a brief brush of the lips. I whine, wanting more. So much more.

Cas goes to the driver's seat, sighing as he turns the car on. I hear him mumble the lyrics to the song under his breath, and I smile. "You're my sweet cherry pie, Cas," I whisper.

"I'm your cherry pie."

And then I fall asleep.

~

God, my head feels like it was stabbed.

A million times.

I groan, covering my eyes as I see light come into my room. "Charlie?" I ask, avoiding the light.

"Cas," I'm corrected.

I hide my face in my pillows. "Leave," I grumble, but I feel my bed sink under his weight.

"Why?"

"'Cause you can't see me like this."

Cas scoffs. "Trust me, Dean, after last night, I've seen you in much more compromising positions."

"Did we have sex?"

"Get your head out of the gutter, Dean."

I frown, allowing one eye to see the gorgeous man beside me. "I'm assuming you picked me up last night?"

Cas nodded.

"And I'm assuming if we didn't have sex, I passed out?"

"Basically, yes."

"Do I want to know what happened?"

"Depends. How do you feel about being so drunk you did karaoke? Does Cherry Pie ring a bell?"

"By Warrant?"

"Yeah."

"Noooo. I must've been so drunk."

"You seemed to be."

"Is that all?"

"Well, you preceded to puke on me and my car multiple times before you brilliantly thought to put your head out of the window."

I groan. "Please just leave."

"I'm not done yet, Dean. A cop came over when you started puking, asked if you were okay, and you promptly told her 'fuck off, imma 'bout to get in this guy's pants.' Needless to say, she was not thrilled, and I had to convince her not to tase you."

"Please just and my misery."

"Alright. Charlie's coming over, anyway, so I'll be heading out. But remember."

"What?"

"I'm your cherry pie."

"Please leave."


	8. Cream Pie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Shh, Cas. I promised you a cream pie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut  
> Bottom!Cas  
> Top!Dean

Business is finally back up.

It's not at its prime, but I didn't expect it to be.

Cas and I have gone on more dates, and we have another one tonight. I'm gonna ask him how official we are, but I can't help but feel like a teenage girl. Yet, at the same time, I don't want to spend time on a relationship that isn't even... well, a relationship.

With that in mind, the day seems to pass slowly. 

Like usual, Cas comes over to the diner. He takes Gabe's lunch break, and I can hear their laughter in the kitchen.

Charlie could not be more happy for me. She constantly talks about how 'dreamy' Cas is, looking at me the whole time. It gets old fast.

I bring out two pieces of cream pie to Cas' table, sitting with him once Gabriel has left. We talk and laugh as we eat.

Cas finishes his pie first. "That was delicious."

I smile, taking another bite of mine. Cas tried to steal some, but I yank the plate away. "My pie!" Cas looks disappointed, so I sigh, leaning over. I put my mouth to his ear and whisper; "That won't be the only creampie you're gettin' tonight." His eyes met mine, and I slowly moved my eyes down his body, stopping at his ass.

Cas blushes, immediately shutting up. I smirk. Cas and I haven't been intimate yet, but that doesn't stop me from teasing him with sex.

This relationship is unique for me. It is about emotion. This is the longest I've been in a relationship and not had sex. Which, yes, is a little sad, but I'm bad at commitment. 

I finish the last bites of my pie, patting Castiel's shoulder. "See ya tonight, Cas."

He smiles, still flustered. "Y-Yeah. Tonight."

I can't help but laugh as I make my way back to the kitchen. Charlie smirks at me, while Balthazar asks, "What did you do to my friend?" I wave him off, telling him to get back to work.

But, for the rest of the day, I'm practically bouncing on my feet in anticipation for the date.

Today, we're going back to the idea we did on our first date, except this time at my place. We've been to fancy restaurants, cafes, movies, and walks in the park. But none of them have really been us. Sure, Cas loved the walk in the park,—he wouldn't shut up about the bees, but it was adorable,—and I loved the movies,—I insisted we see a horror movie, and though Cas agreed, he wasn't fond of it,—but there wasn't a date we both loved as much as the first date.

When I got home, I spent the whole time fixing my apartment. It was messy—clothes were everywhere, the dishes were dirty, and I had various DVDs and CDs laying around. I couldn't let Cas think I lived this way.

The apartment was the cleanest it has been since I first got it, but even then it was nowhere near Cas' house. But, with the doorbell ringing, I had no more time.

My heart pounded as I went to the door, and I had to stop my hand from shaking as I turned the nob. "Hey, Cas."

"Hello, Dean." Cas leans in for a hug, but I go for the kiss. Cas is happy to oblige, our lips moving in perfect harmony.

When we pulled away, I sighed happily. "What's for dinner, Cas?"

Cas smiles, folding his hands in mine, resting his forehead on mine. "Depends." Peck to the lips. "How do you feel about burgers?"

"You're my favorite person. Ever."

"I know." Cas gives me one last kiss and then strides to the kitchen. "I figure bacon and avocado is alright?"

"And you just keep getting better."

Cas laughs. "Give me a little bit of time. If you want, you can help. Maybe cook the bacon?"

"I can do that."

"Alright. Get on it then." As I walk past him, Cas smacks my ass, and I blush. 

Dinner seems to take forever to make, and, once again, Cas can't seem to give in to my poor attempts at seducing him. I start to make the pie—cherry, for those wondering—and finally, we eat.

I didn't know eating burgers could be sexy, but the moans coming from Cas' mouth are heaven. I devour him with my eyes, and I know he's doing it all on purpose.

We finish the burgers, and I don't even get the pie before I shove myself on him. I lay him down on the couch, mouth attacking his. I rest my tongue at his lips, desperate for him to let me in, and he complies. "Dean," he moans, out of breath. 

"Cas," I tell him, desperate to continue smothering his tongue with mine, "if you don't want to go further tonight, we won't. But I need you to tell me when to hold back."

"Don't. Don't hold back. Please," he begs.

I smirk. "Then this shirt has to go."

I pull his shirt off, letting my lips put feather light kisses down his chest. "How do you wanna do this?" I ask once I reach his jeans.

"I want you, Dean," he answers, clawing the couch. "I want you inside of me."

I smirk. That's fine by me. 

As I slide Cas' jeans down his body, I tweak his nipple with my hand, causing an absolutely delicious moan to come from his mouth. "These should go too." I pull his jeans off with a little help from Castiel, leaving him in only his bikers.

Cas tugs desperately at my shirt. "Off."

I smirk, happily complying. I quickly get us both undressed, both of us already hard and leaking.

Cas is... larger than expected. His cock is long, hard, and dripping. 

Cas paws at the tattoo on my chest. "What... what's that?"

The tattoo is a ring of flames with a star—or, as some call it, a pentagram—in the center.

"Oh, it's a... well, my brother and I have matching tattoos. Got 'em once we left our dad. Is this—" I take a deep breath, swallowing saliva "—is this the best time to talk 'bout my dad and brother?"

"Sorry, just... resume previous activities."

Hesitantly, trying to get back in the mood, I allow my head to dip down, swallowing Cas' tip, sucking the beads of precome. Cas lets out an ungodly moan, hand tangling in my hair. I put my hands on his hips, keeping him down.

I pull off with a pop. "I'm gonna take such good care of you," I murmur, mouth now hovering above his belly button. 

"Dean..."

"Turn over, baby."

As Cas obliges, I see dark ink that trails across his back. Intricate patterns of feathers. Long, black tattoo wings marked his back. And when Cas arches his body, I drool at the way his back moves with the ink.

"So beautiful," I murmur against his body. "Gorgeous."

"Please just..."

"I'll take good care of ya, baby. You got lube?"

Cas nods, reaching over to a small table and pulling out the drawer. "I bet you have lube in every room for moments like this," I whisper to Castiel, voice thick with lust. "So eager to have a cock in your greedy little ass," I punctuate the sentence with a spank causing Cas to moan again.

I lube my fingers up, then push Castiel's ass cheeks apart. "You ready?"

"Please, Dean, just—my God don't stop Dean."

I smirk. Castiel can't help but squirm as I teasingly wriggle my finger around in his hole. "You're so tight, Cas."

"More, Dean."

I smirk, happily obliging.

Slowly and teasingly, I manage to get three fingers in. Cas is a mess. His hands claw at the cushions and his cock is red and hard against his couch.

I pull my fingers out and Castiel whines at the loss. 

I rummage through my pants and grab my wallet and the condom in it. Not the ideal place for me to keep a condom, but convenient.

I roll the condom on and resist the urge the stroke myself. The tip of my dick rests by Castiel's hole, and I smile at the uneven, needy breaths coming from his perfect lips.

"I can't... please Dean, or I'm gonna lose it."

I lean down to let my lips touch his neck and envelop myself in his warmth. For a minute, we stay like that. It's almost more intimate. My head is pressed against his neck, chest hugged tight against his back as I allow Cas to adjust.

"God, your ass is heaven," I praise.

Cas pushes himself back against me and I take the hint. Slowly I pull myself out inch by inch until only the tip is still in. I let my hips ran against his and relish in the sounds Cas makes. I bit my lip to hold in my own moans. 

I roll my hips, allowing my hands to trail along his toned back. I trace the intricate patterns of his tattoo wings, shuddering in pleasure at the delicate noises Castiel makes.

I'm not sure how long we move like that. My hips slam against his and his ass pushes back towards me. 

Heat begins to build up in my stomach. I feel our moves be less coordinated. I reach down and grab Castiel's cock, and he virtually screams in pleasure. 

We continue our sloppy movements, climaxes coming closer.

I lean over to Cas' ear. "Come for me, Castiel."

With a scream, I feel his release his load in my hand. His ass clenches around my cock, forcing the orgasm out of me. 

For a while, we just stay there. I collapse on top of Cas, still inside of him. Finally, I pull out and dispose of the condom while Cas lays on the couch, limp and covered in his own cum. I shove Castiel to the side, taking a few moments to breathe.

Feeling Cas' eyes on me, I smirk. I adjust my position so I'm facing him.

"What're you thinking, Dean?"

"All the things I'll do to you..."

"Dean, is this—"

"Shh, Cas. I promised you a cream pie."

"Dean—"

"Have you been tested recently?"

"Why?"

"Are you ready for round two?"

"Hell yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for being patient with my updating schedule. I’ll try to post more.


	9. Mouthy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So is Cas a little mouthy in bed?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lazy handjobs

I wake up with soft fingers brushing across my cheek.

I allow my eyes to stay closed as I replay last night in my mind. Seven rounds. Damn.

My body is sore and I need to stretch, but I don't want to move just yet. I can feel the soft bed beneath my body—which we moved to at some point last night—and the small sliver of orange light raining on my face. 

The fingers drift from my cheek to my hair. to my neck, to my nose, to my lips, and finally rests on my ear. I feel Cas' hot breath against my ear. "I know you're awake."

I whip my head quickly to catch Castiel's lips, loving how he sinks into the kiss. I groan as I shift my body. "You're flexible," I mutter quietly, meeting Cas' tired gaze.

I see a book on his nightstand. The book is open, keeping Cas' spot. I can only assume he was reading it earlier this morning and stopped when he realized I wasn't sleeping. "To Kill a Mockingbird," I note the title aloud. The book itself is beaten up, the cover torn and pages bent. I adjust my position so I'm on my side facing Cas, my elbow propping me up. "What's it about?"

Castiel looks confused for a moment, turning behind him as he catches sight of the book. "Oh, that. Nothing, just an old book I like to read."

"So you've read it before? Is it interesting?"

"Well, there's lots of symbolism in it that amazes me. Killing a mockingbird—the title—symbolizes killing innocence—or, harming one who has done nothing wrong. And—"

Cas smiles ranting passionately about the book. I tune his words out but smile as he talks. It's adorable. It truly is.

And as much as I love it, I find myself attracted to his abs more. I let my mouth wander, licking at his nipple. He tries desperately to continue talking, so I roll over on to him and grind our hips. Castiel succumbs to the moaning, allowing himself to get lost in my touch.

Cas grabs my hair and pulls my lips off and instead catches them with his own. His hand slithers down my body, rubbing my thigh, avoiding my steadily growing hard-on. I whined desperately into his mouth.

"It'll be okay," Cas whispers against my lip, hand brushing my balls. He latched his lips to my collarbone, sucking and swirling his tongue.

I decide to do my part and start rubbing his dick, now fully hard. I take mine in my hand, too, coating them in a layer of precome as Castiel continued to work my neck.

Slowly and steadily, I continued stroking. Cas bites me like I'm a chew toy, definitely leaving marks. But I'm fine with it.

I start panting, nearing my edge, and Cas swats my hand away, taking both of our lengths into his hand instead. "Let go," he mutters against my ear, nipping at the lobe. "Come for me, Dean."

With a low moan, I release, coating Castiel's stomach with my cum. After a few more strokes, Cas follows me.

After that, Cas cleans us up, and we lie down and talk for some more time, and I'm grateful that Charlie convinced me to take the day off. She convinced me she was fine runnin' the diner herself, and I trust her.

But, eventually, I have to get up.

When I look at the clock, it's almost noon. It's not that Cas and I slept late—though we needed the sleep after all that we did—it was more that we spent hours sitting and talking.

Cas still wanted to visit Gabe on his lunch break, and I agreed to go with him. I needed my daily intake of pie.

Because Cas didn't want me driving back to my place, and I didn't want to look like a slob that had a one night stand, Cas lent me some clothes, and we made our way to Dean's Diner.

The place was, as I happily noticed, full once again. Today was always a full day—every month, on the 28th of the month, we offered a free slice of pie with every order. And, seeing as it was the 28th of September, I prepared lots of pie.

I know we wouldn't be able to get a table, so I push myself to the kitchen, telling Cas to relax on a bench outside. "Get two slices of peach pie," he requests.

"Peach?"

"What, you wanna go with apple? C'mon, be a little exotic, try somethin' new."

"It's not exactly new if I've had it before."

"Just get peach. You made it; I know it'll be great."

I sigh but agree.

In the kitchen, Gabriel and Ash ask me questions about where I was. Charlie sees Cas sitting outside and winks at me. I flip her off.

"Can I just get two slices of peach pie?" I ask.

"Two?" Gabe asks.

"Yeah, one for me, one for your brother."

Gabe gets on his toes and looks out the diner to see Castiel. "I'll get those slices and then I'm on my break, Dean-o!" Gabriel slaps my back for emphasis.

"Not my place right now, Gabe. Charlie's in charge of your break."

Charlie lights up but Gabriel doesn't. He gives her his best puppy dog eyes, though I know Charlie would let him take his break no matter what. "Well..." Charlie says, tapping her chin. I smile. She's messing with him. "We do need some waiters..."

Gabriel whines. "C'mon, Charlie!" He begs, lip sticking out and eyes filled with fake tears.

Charlie sighs. "Fine, you little trickster. But then get back to work!"

Gabe has already started running off towards Cas like a puppy being reunited with his owner. Somehow he grabbed a slice of peach pie in that time.

I sigh. "I didn't get my pie?"

Charlie laughs at that. "You wanted peach or apple?"

"Peach."

"Wow, Castiel really has changed you."

"Oh, shut up."

Charlie turns away to grab the pie, but I know she's smirking.

With the slice now in my hands, Charlie gasps, pointing at my neck. "Dean, is that a hick—"

I groan, swatting away her hand. "Shut up, please."

Charlie wiggles her eyebrows, a proud smile on her face. "My little gay baby is gettin' some di—"

I cover Charlie's mouth with my hand, shoving her out of the kitchen. "Will you shut your pie hole?" I whisper-yell to Charlie. I almost drop the pie but manage to save it.

Charlie rolls her eyes. "C'mon, Dean! Just a little harmless fun."

"It's not, Char! Cas is—Castiel's brother and best friend are in there. And I'm not gay."

Charlie sighs, but smiles. "So is Cas a little mouthy in bed?"

I throw my head back, rolling my eyes. 

"And who topped? I could totally see Castiel as a dominant lover."

I hold my hand out to Charlie, stopping her. "Alright, stop. And, for your information, I'm the top."

Charlie giggles. "Whatever you say."

"I'm telling the truth, Char."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say."

"Can you just stop?"

"Never."


	10. The L-Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The L-word."
> 
> "Lesbian?"

If only I were younger.

Then we coulda done seven rounds instead of six.

Well, Cas' ass hurt, even though in the end it wasn't brutal fucking. And I had work in the morning—

I have work right now.

I groan, rubbing my eyes. I shoulda thought of that before.

The disturbance in the bed forces Cas to roll over and look at me. He grumbles some nonsense, and I hush him. I'm glad Cas had us clean up and shower before we slept because I can't risk being late to work. Again.

"I just gotta go to work, baby," I whisper to Cas, hand caressing his cheek.

Cas pouts sleepily, eyes still closed. He reaches out blindly, one hand landing on my arm and the other my face. Cas holds on to my arm and begins stroking my face like I am his. "Don't leave," he begs, but I can tell he's not even fully conscious to be aware of what he's doing.

I slowly pull Castiel's hand off my face and remove his grip on my arm. I lean over and kiss him. "I'll see later."

Cas makes another drowsy attempt to pull me back to bed, but I roll away with a chuckle. After that, Cas doesn't protest.

I get dressed slowly, groaning at the odd pains and sores in my body.

Still young, but not as young as before.

Once I deem myself presentable for my employees, I grab my phone and keys, giving Cas one last kiss to his forehead, his fluffy black sex hair tickling mine. 

I forced Castiel to keep the hickeys in places I could cover up last night. I can't deal with another incident. More than once Charlie has spotted places where Cas couldn't keep his mouth off of me.

I feel an odd sensation filling in my chest. My heart flutters as I see his back flex under my touch, giving me a glimpse at the near impossible feathers on his back. I lose my breath when he lets out a sleepy sigh, wishing to see his ocean-blue eyes. I allow my hand to run along his chest, my hand tingling at the sensation.

My mouth feels like cotton and my heart my heart is bound to beat out of my chest.

Yes, I admire Cas' physical form. The gorgeous eyes, muscular chest, curved and soft ass...

But, the things about him that blow me away aren't how he looks. It's how graceful and peaceful he seems. It's how he gets flustered and confused so easily. It's how he enjoys to please others. It's how he's loyal and caring and...

That's why I lo—

I turn on my heel in an instant, rushing out of Cas' place.

On my drive to the diner, I play Metallica as loud as possible, allowing any thoughts to be drowned away. I rest one arm out to open window, hoping my hair will seem more like 'wind hair' than 'sex hair' because I didn't have time to fix it.

Fuck, why does this always happen? I'm supposed to shut emotions out, not allow them to infect me. Last time I let someone in...

Was Lisa.

And I'm not making that mistake again. She's probably off somewhere raising her kid. Which she got from cheating on me.

I love Ben to death, I do. But I couldn't be around the woman who broke my heart. I just can't be with her anymore.

I'm not ready for any more emotion. It's been years, but I just can't handle it. And not with a guy. He's great, yes, but I can't let down any macho facade I have going on. Because that's all it is. A facade. 

It will kill me one day.

I arrive to work early. I'll be all alone in the diner for a while, which I'm grateful for. I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to have to answer questions or do anything.

But I also don't want to wallow in my own misery.

So, I start to bake. I bake pies and pies. 

As a kid, this was the reason I learned to bake. It gave me something to do. It took my mind off of the mental and physical abuse John put me through.

I shudder. Even just thinking about him brings phantom pain to my scars.

I feel the tears filling in my eyes but quickly wipe them away. I can't cry. Not even by myself.

The bell by the front door rings and I hear, "What's up, bitches?" being screamed from it. I sigh. Charlie.

I wipe my hands on a rag in the kitchen and walk out to meet my favorite employee. Her red hair bobs as she gets on her toes to hug me, and I comply. She and Sam are two of the few lucky enough to get hugs from me constantly.

"So," she says, biting the inside of her cheek, "how ya doin'?"

I sigh, releasing my friend from my arms. "Alright."

"You and Castiel have a fun night?" Charlie questions, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

I groan and throw my head back. I normally do this when Char insists on talking about Castiel, but she can sense there's something different about it. 

"What's up?" She asks, suddenly serious. She hoists herself up on a table, dangling her feet an inch above the ground.

I shrug, shoving my hands in my pockets. "Nothing," I mumble, refusing to meet her eyes.

"C'mon, Dean."

I shrug again. "Nothing."

Once again I hear shouting after the front doorbell rings. "Howdy, hoes!" Gabriel yells.

I roll my eyes. Charlie hops off the table, muttering "fine" and glares at me for half a second. "We better get to work, Gabe," she says.

"What'd I intrude on?" Gabe asks, glancing quickly between the both of us.

"Nothing," Charlie and I answer in sync, venom in our voices.

Gabe puts his hands up in defense. "Alright, whatever. I'll set up the rest of the tables."

The rest of the morning is tense and silent. Slowly, the other employees show up. They immediately pick up on the tension but say nothing. They know of Char and I aren't talking something is wrong.

Customers trickle in, and with me hiding in the kitchen, nobody notices the odd air.

Two days pass where I avoid both Charlie and Cas. These feelings... I just can't let them in. Not again.

Cas has texted and called me at least ten times, but I refuse to pick up. I sill through my day slowly, plagued by the blue eyes that lit up my heart.

Finally, on the third day, Charlie comes to me early before work. There's no place for me to go, so I have to face her.

"I'm sorry," she instantly apologizes.

I sigh. "No, I'm sorry," I tell her. "I've been a dick."

"Is this..." Charlie hesitates. "Is this about Castiel?"

I cringe at hearing his name again. It brings me physical pain. Charlie is about to apologize again, I can tell, but I stop her. "Yes," I answer, my voice coming out weak.

Charlie slides into the booth where I'm sitting. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

I shrug, and Charlie pulls me into a hug.

"It's just," I begin weakly, "he's so perfect. His eyes are like the ocean. His laugh is like angels singing. His body is like a sculpture. And his heart... I think I—" I cut myself off, but Charlie looks at me curiously. "The L-word."

"Lesbian?"

I roll my eyes. "No, Charlie. The other L-word. I... I think I love him." My voice cracks and I feel my heart skip a beat.

I love him.

Shit.

Charlie runs her fingers through my hair, muttering reassurances to me. "It'll be okay."

"I love him."

I bury my face in Charlie's shoulder, but Charlie puts her thumb under my chin and lifts it up. "Chin up, bitch."

"I love him, Char."

"I know," she said. "I know. Now get cleaned up. Gabe'll get here soon."

"I love him."

"But what are you gonna do about it?"

"I don't know."

"Then get cleaned up."

"I'm screwed, aren't I?"

"Kinda."


	11. Ice Cream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well, I love ice cream."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bottom!Dean  
> Top!Cas

When Castiel comes over to meet Gabe for lunch, I catch him before his brother does.

Cas seems both confused, relieved, and angry when I approach him.

"What do you want?" He asks, slightly resigned.

I sigh. "I'm sorry," I respond.

"You can't just—you can't just ignore me like that!"

"I know, and I'm sorry. I really am. It's just... I don't even know."

"Give me some explanation, Dean. Please. I need something from you."

"I know. And—" And I love you "—I don't have an explanation. I'm sorry. But, how about we go on a date? Like, a walk in the park. Maybe some ice cream, I don't know. Just—" I take Castiel's hands in mine, my forehead now resting against his, "—let me do something nice for you."

I can tell he wants to stay mad at me. But I can tell he also wants to forgive me. 

"I know you're mad, and I understand. But please, Cas. I—" I love you "—please."

Castiel squeezes my hands reassuringly, eyes fixed on my lips and then my own eyes. "Fine."

I smile widely and place a kiss on his lips. God, I love him.

But then there's a slap on my back, and I jump away. "Hey, you tryin' to get in my brother's pants, Dean-o?"

Castiel blushes and I rub the back of my neck, clearing my throat. I can't tell if Gabriel is serious or joking. I think it's a little of both.

"I better get goin'," I grumble, not willing to look Gabe in the eyes. Sure, he may be small, but he is feisty. If he really wanted to, he could kill me.

I hear the Novak brothers start a conversation, but I don't listen to what it is. My heart is just pounding in my chest, and I'm unable to think.

I have to tell him.

I have to.

The words remain on the tip of my tongue, but will never come. Even with Lisa, I was only able to say it after she had. 

Castiel and I take some more time to plan the date, and when the time finally comes I'm ecstatic. I live close to a nice park and I know there are ice cream trucks constantly driving around there.

When we finally find it, Cas orders vanilla while I order chocolate. We take a seat on a bench, and I can see Cas is happy to be with me again. I'm happy to be with him, too.

"So what exactly happened?" Castiel asks.

I sigh, staring into my chocolate ice cream as if it'll give me the answer. Because I love you. "I... I don't know," I lie. "I guess... I'm scared of commitment. And we were getting really close. I got afraid. I pushed you away. And I'm sorry."

Castiel frowns. "Does that mean that you don't want to—"

"No," I immediately reassure him. "Actually, I was thinking..." I hesitate. I hadn't planned this, but it feels like a great time to do this. "Well, would you like to be my boyfriend? Like, officially?"

I squeeze my eyes shut, regretting the question. But then I feel warm hands over mine, and I look over. Cas is smiling. "Of course."

I grin, pulling him into a kiss. It takes some maneuvering to ensure nobody gets ice cream on them, but it works.

We continue joking and talking, and I learn that Castiel doesn't know how to eat ice cream. There are bits of vanilla on his cheek, nose, clothes, hands, and some even managed to make its way into his hair. "This makes me very happy, Dean," he tells me with a smile.

I shake my head, baffled but laughing, and ask: "How the hell did you do that?"

Cas shrugs, taking a lick of the steadily dripping ice cream. I've already finished mine, and I'm almost just admiring Cas.

This is what I love about Castiel. The way he is goofy. He's careless and naive. He's happy and thoughtful. His smile makes his lips look even more kissable, and more than once I act on the urge. He's gorgeous.

"What can you tell me about your past that I don't already know, Cas?" I ask, gazing in his eyes. 

Cas shrugs, licking the remaining ice cream off of his hands. "Well, I love ice cream."

I laugh. "I can see."

"I don't really know. I kinda... left it behind once Balthazar found me."

"Found you."

Castiel shrugs. "Yeah. I've known him since we were young, but we lost contact. I was going through a rough time with my girlfriend, and... he helped me."

I feel an odd feeling surge through me. Girlfriend? I want to wrap my arms around him, claim him as mine. I want to wipe her from his memory. "Girlfriend?"

"Her name was Meg."

"What was she like?"

I can see the pain in his eyes when I ask this, but I can't help but be curious. "She... she wasn't good. She wasn't good to me."

I wrap an arm around him and he rests his head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry for asking."

Cas shakes his head. "No, I get it. I'm just... I'm not ready to talk yet."

"It's fine."

For some time, we don't talk. We just hold each other. His ice cream hands are getting my flannel sticky, but I don't care. This isn't about me. This is about Cas.

When we finally make our way back to my apartment, the mood has lifted. We've gone back to jokes and laughs.

Castiel kisses me. I kiss him back. It was sweet, at first. But we became hungry. Hungry for one another. "It's been too long," I breathe against my boyfriend's—I can say that now!—lips.

He nods in agreement, yanking our clothes off. 

"I want you, Cas. Please."

"You want me to take you?" He asks in a deep, lust filled voice. 

I nod, a desperate whine escaping my lips. "Please. I want to feel you inside me."

Castiel smirks. He likes the power. "Get on the bed. Clothes off. I'll meet you in there."

I can't believe I've become this desperate. But Castiel taking charge... damn, that is hot.

I lay on my bed, naked and needy. Castiel walks in and I see he, too, has removed his clothes. Thank god. 

"Have you ever bottomed before?" Castiel asks, leaning in close to my ear. 

My dick brushes against his chest, and I let out a groan at the fiction. "No," I answer breathlessly.

"Then we'll take this slow."

He pulls a bottle of lubricant from the nightstand, coating his hands with it generously. "This'll feel a little odd at first."

I nod. I feel Castiel's finger at my rim, swirling around the lube. My hands grip his shoulders tightly, definitely leaving bruises. And, god, that was a sexy thought.

The finger pushes past and Castiel stops. He looks at me, sorry in his eyes. I nod, assuring him it's okay. His finger slowly seeps in, and Castiel was right, it felt odd. Nobody had ever really touched me in this way.

With one finger settled in my ass, I'm breathing hard. "Tell me when to continue," I hear.

I nod. "I'm ready."

Cas pumps his finger in and out, and some pain settles in my gut. But, with a single stroke of my prostate, I'm crying out in pleasure. "Fuck, Cas, do that again," I beg.

"You're doing perfect, baby. Let me hear you."

Any pain has resided and I found myself pushing back on his finger. Whines and moans of pleasure continued to leave my mouth. "Another. Please."

Cas is clearly pleased and complies.

Cas slowly adds more, scissoring me and whispering sweet, dirty nothings while I run my hands up and down his feathered back.

When Cas pulls his fingers out, I whine at the loss. "It's alright," he assures me. I see him move his wrist around his shaft, and it suddenly seems much larger. Yeah, he's always been big, but...

"Just relax," Castiel whispers, seeing my tension. "I'll do the rest."

I nod, letting out a deep breath.

Castiel pushes inside of me and once again I feel uncomfortable and in slight pain. Castiel is lying against me, kissing my lips, worried. "I'm alright."

Cas nods, waiting a few seconds longer before he moves. He pulls almost all the way out before slowly sliding back in with a low moan. "So tight," he mumbles. "So hot. So perfect. So perfect, Dean."

Cas continues the slow rhythm, mumbling into my shoulder as I release desperate and needy moans. With each stroke, his dick hits my prostate.

I wrap my legs around Castiel's hips, pleading him to go faster. "Please."

"So needy. Such a slut for my cock," he responds, slamming his hips against mine. And it shouldn't feel so good to be called a slut, but it fucking does.

"Only for you," I manage to reply.

"Gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. Fucking perfect."

Castiel babbles during sex, I've found.

We work at it that way for some time. I don't know how long. It could have been seconds, minutes, or hours before I felt a heat grow in my abdomen.

"I'm close," I warn, and Cas wraps his hand around my prick, slamming against me faster.

"C'mon, Dean," he says. "Come for me."

With two more slams and strokes, I'm done for, vision whiting out with the power of the orgasm. In two more, Cas is following suit, collapsing on me.

"That was amazing, Cas."

"You did fantastic. Fan-fucking-tastic. Did you like it?"

"Loved it."

"Good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m spamming you all with chapters for Christmas! Also, I noticed that every chapter so far that has serious smut has ‘cream’ in the chapter title... I’m gonna try to keep that up.


	12. Thank You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Violence and abuse  
> Starts in Cas POV  
> Alright, most of Dean’s POV is a dream but I’m writing this in Wattpad before posting here so italics is difficult

I see light come in through the blinds.

This bed is not mine. It's Dean's.

I smile when I see Dean beside me, exhausted. He's completely passed out. He's snoring, even.

It's adorable.

I've stayed here enough times that I have things here. I grab my sweater and a pair of pajama pants. The pants were a gift from Dean. He insisted he get me blue and black plaid pajama pants and got himself red and black.

I finished To Kill a Mockingbird again, so now I'm reading Lord of the Flies. The book is new, and I'm careful every time I flip to the next page.

In his sleep state, Dean tosses and turns. I can see the distress in his face and I know he's having a nightmare. This isn't the first time.

I put down my book and begin stroking my boyfriend's hair. He whines under the touch, flinching away. Like always. But almost instantly he wraps his arms around my torso, laying his head to rest on my chest. 

He smells like alcohol, burgers, and sex. But it's beautiful. It's his smell. It's so perfectly him. He's so perfect.

I smile, continuing to stroke his head and grab my book again. "I love you," I whisper. I'd never say it to his face. Not when he's conscious. He wouldn't love me back. He'd run away. But I'm fine with what I have. Because I do love him. And I always will.

Hopefully the nightmare has stopped.

~~~

It smells like daisies.

Mom rests my hand on her large stomach. "Sammy," I say, smiling.

"Sammy?"

"That's his name."

"But what if it's a girl?" Mom asks.

I take a moment to think. I feel a small kick on my hand. My small hand. I'm a child. "It's still Sammy," I answer.

Mom smiles and ruffles my hair. "Let's go inside."

"Okay, Mommy."

When we walk inside I find myself alone, in my room. I'm older. It's nighttime.

"Mommy?" I shout out, walking around the house. I was sure I had heard something.

It was her scream. It's always her scream.

I continue shouting, running towards my dad's voice. He'll help me. He'll help me find Mom.

It's bright. I smell smoke. I hear Dad yell. "Grab your brother and run."

Sammy.

It's hot. It's so hot. "No!" I scream. "Mommy!"

"She's in our room, I'm getting her Dean. Now run!"

My heart pounds and I grab my little brother. He's crying.

It's so hot.

The flames feel as if they're running after me. Chasing me.

It's too hot.

I fall on the ground inches before the door. The house begins to crumble. It's burning.

It's gone.

I'm covered in ash, little Sam in my arms. But I'm no longer a little kid.

John stands in front of me. "You're the reason," he says, staring at the house with pained eyes. "You're the reason she's dead."

I stand up slowly, my legs unsteady. "No," I beg, crying. Sammy lies limp in my arms.

"You're the reason he's dead."

"It wasn't my fault!"

"I'll never see her again. He'll never grow up. You got to grow up. Why is that fair?"

"No, no, please."

"How is that fair?!" John shouts, slapping my face so hard I stumble to the ground. "It's your fault."

"No, please," is all I can say in my trembling voice. "He can't be dead. Sammy."

"They're dead!" A kick to the ribs. "Because of you!"

"Dad, please..."

"You ruined my life." A punch to the gut. "I hate you."

"Please. Please."

John pulls his fist back, ready to lay another punch, but light comes from behind, stopping him. He looks behind him where the light came from.

"Castiel?" I ask, surprised.

"You fuckin' fag," John says, laying a punch to my jaw.

"Cas, help."

"It's alright," Castiel says. "It's not your fault. You're perfect. You're fucking perfect."

I'm fucking perfect.

"No," John replies. "He's a fuckin' mess up. A faggot."

"No," I cried out again.

"Fight back, Dean."

"Cas—ow—I can't."

"It wasn't your fault, Dean."

"It was," John counters with a kick.

"Don't listen to him."

"He's just another fag. What does he know?"

"I love you, Dean."

My heart swells. 

"How could anybody love you?" John asks.

I shake my head. "No. No, he loves me."

"You're a screwup."

"No. I'm not."

"A nothing."

"Stop."

"You ruin everything."

"No!" I shout back, grabbing John's foot as it comes to kick me.

"You've got this, Dean," I hear Castiel whisper.

I roll away from my dad, hopping back up. I punch his jaw, and he stumbles back.

"Oh, boy... you shoulda stayed down."

"No! You can't hurt me anymore."

John charges at me, fist ready, but I dodge out of the way. "You have no more power. I'm not afraid anymore."

"We'll see about that." John smashes a bottle of beer, holding a sharp shard of glass, and suddenly I'm in John's room again. "There's nowhere to run. Nowhere to hide."

I look around, but he's right. The doors and windows are gone.

John pulls the glass back, and—

I bolt out of bed. My breath is heavy. 

"Dean?" A hand reaches out to touch my face, but I flinch away, throwing my fist in a random direction. I hear a grunt and suddenly come back to my senses.

"Oh my god, Cas, I'm so sorry." I scramble over to him and see him rubbing his cheek. There'll be a bruise there later. I hold him in my arms. "I'm so sorry."

He shakes his head, ruffling his black hair. He needs a haircut. I need to shave. We're messes. "It's alright," he assures me. "It's alright."

"No. No, it's not. I'm sorry."

Castiel wraps his arms around me, and suddenly we're just holding each other. The book he was reading is discarded on the ground, knocked out of his hands with the punch.

Cas doesn't ask about the nightmare. He just gives me a look and I nod. He never asks. Never intrudes.

I kiss Cas' forehead. "Thank you."

"For what?"

I look deep into his blue eyes and smile. "For everything." I smirk, then continue to say, "And last night." My ass hurts, but it felt fantastic.

"That was fun. We should do it again."

"Totally."

"You're amazing, Dean."

"I lo—I like you. A lot."

"I like you, too, Dean." 

"Thank you."

"Anytime."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s 3 am I’m avoiding sleep help


	13. Whipped Cream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We’re out of whipped cream.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Top!Dean  
> Bottom!Cas
> 
> Merry Christmas Eve! Another chapter coming later today

Castiel and I have been boyfriends for a month.

It's December 23rd, and we're ready to celebrate our first Christmas together.

Sam and Jess are coming down for the holidays. They're wedding is next month. They wanted one sooner, but the venue they chose—a nice vineyard up in California—was booked for a while. It may be winter, but it's also California.

We're having a big Christmas party. Sam insisted we do a big Secret Santa thing, so I've been browsing the mall for something to buy Jessica.

I know what she'd want. She'd want some sort of candles. She loves that shit.

But I need to find her the right one. She's not a lavender type of girl, so that eliminates half the candles in this shop. Vanilla seems a little basic and Sam despises the smell of cinnamon.

I could get her some fruit scent? They have cucumber melon, or...

"Do you need help?" A lady asks behind me.

I turn around, startled. I shake my head, but then reconsider. "Do you have any suggestions? I mean, I don't wanna go too basic."

The worker smiles knowingly. "Buying candles for the misses?"

"What? No, no, sister in-law. She's a sucker for them."

"Well alright then. If you'd like, we have some more scents in the back. Would you like me to show you?"

I nod, and she grabs my arm and pulls me to the back. I flinch at the contact, but follow her anyway.

The back has the oddest smell. Many candles are lit, and none are the same scent. It's a blending of smells that shouldn't be blended together.

The worker hovers over me as I continue my search. Apple cider donut... bamboo... mahogany...

Bingo.

I grab two candles: apple pie scented and eggnog. I turn to the worker and tell her, "I'll take these."

She's clearly confused about my choice, but rings me up with no question. I thank her and walk out of the store.

Happy with the gift, I go back to my apartment. Castiel is already there. I told him to come over once he finished getting his gift, and it seems as if he has it.

Cas refuses to tell me who he got. It's so frustrating. But he's made me promise not to tell him who I got. At this point, I've stopped arguing with him about it.

"You ready to bake?" I ask.

Cas smiles. He's in the baggy blue sweater I got him for our one month anniversary a few weeks before and some sweats that he keeps here. "Always."

Alright, I'm just gonna say, Sammy shoulda left us with a different job.

My kitchen is a mess. We decided to bake both some pie and cookies, and my kitchen is too small to have all of the ingredients out.

I turn around and see Castiel is licking icing off his fingers. "Hey," I saw, catching his attention, "you're using up all the icing, jackass."

Cas rolls his eyes and smiles. "It's called thorough taste-testing, Dean."

"Well, don't taste-test until we've finished baking."

Castiel smirks and puts more icing on his fingers. But, instead of eating it, he wipes it on my nose. "Hey!" I yell, swatting his hand away.

"Yes?" He replies innocently.

I chuckle. "Oh, it's on." I put down the pie I had just finished and grabbed the whipped cream that I was about to put on the pie. But, instead of doing that, I aim the can at Cas and spray.

By the time the can is empty, Castiel is covered in whipped cream everywhere. His hair, face, clothes... it was hilarious. 

Cas scrunches his face in fake anger and his face could not be cuter. He grabs the flour that would be cookies and throws it at me. Thank god I closed my eyes. But my hair is a mess.

"Cas!" I scoop up the extra pie filling and fling it at my boyfriend, smiling.

We continue like this until there is no food left to throw and my kitchen is beyond cleaning. We're laughing and smiling, holding each other and kissing.

It's on the tip of my tongue. The tip. I love you. But I don't say it. Instead I say, "We're out of whipped cream."

Castiel smiles, swiping some icing from my forehead and sucking it off his fingers, moaning in an ungodly way.

"I could just eat you," I mutter against his lips.

"Shower," he whispers in my ear. "Now."

I can feel myself getting hard already.

I scamper after Cas, flour trailing after me as I throw my clothing around the house.

Castiel is already in the shower, the warm water pouring down his tattooed back. I slowly enter the shower, wrapping my arms around his muscular torso, my dick finding its way between his ass cheeks.

I plant kisses along Cas' shoulders and down his spine. I got on my knees and buried my face in Cas' ass, and Castiel mutters "fuck."

I smirk. "I told you I could eat you."

"Shit, keep going," Cas begs, reaching back and shoving my head back in his ass.

I moan in response, causing him to do the same. I toy with my tongue, almost allowing it to move past his rim but not yet. Castiel whines at the teasing.

Finally I allow my tongue to slip inside him and I can see my boyfriend's knees go weak. He braces himself against the tiled walls to keep himself upright. 

I slip a finger in beside my tongue and Cas just about loses it when I brush against his prostate. As much as I love him taking control, it's not bad seeing him so weak and needy.

"Please, Dean. Please fuck me."

"Not yet, sunshine."

I stand up, keeping one finger in Castiel and begin to clean my hair out. Every time Cas looks as if he's about to complain, I let the finger brush his prostate briefly so he moans instead of talks.

Finally clean, I begin working the dark haired man open. With three fingers in and the shower water as a lubricant, he pushes his ass against my hand. "Please."

I smirk, quickly replacing my fingers with my dick, barely giving Castiel time to register the change. He moans at the new size inside of him, but continues to push back.

I trail my fingers down the feathers on Cas' back, slowly sliding in and out of him. I don't want this to be brutal fucking to the end. I want this to be slow love making.

"You're so big," Cas begins to babble. "Shit. You're so fucking perfect."

I land kisses along his back as he continues to babble. I allow my hand to slowly stroke his dick, and my hips to move a little faster.

We move in sync for a while, kissing, stroking, pushing, pulling, babbling, nibbling. We both eventually come, and just like I had hoped, it wasn't the classic fast fuck that we've had.

When we finish we spend time cleaning one another. We just hold each other in the shower, whispering sweet nothings until our bodies are prunes and I've run out of hot water.

I want to say it. I want so badly to say it. To tell him I love him. Because I do. I really, truly, do. And I'm okay with that now. Mostly.

"We should clean the kitchen," Cas says, pulling me out of my thinking.

"Ugh. Do we have to?"

"Yes. And we need to bake cookies."

"We're all out of ingredients."

"We can buy more. But we need to clean your kitchen first."

"Fine. But it's only because I like you."

"I know."


	14. John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey, John.”

I can't deal with this.

I feel my heart pounding in my ears. May hands are shaking. My breath is uneven.

"You don't have to answer it, Dean," Sammy tells me, hand on my shoulder.

I shake my head, looking at my buzzing phone. This is the third call tonight.

It's December 24th, 12:33 A.M. and John Winchester is calling me.

As soon as I got the first call, I had a panic attack and Castiel called Sam. He came over immediately. He's managed to calm me down slightly, but...

"No, Sammy, I have to."

"Dean, look at yourself! This man has made you a wreck. You don't have to answer."

"I have to do this Sam," I answer firmly. I know the ringing is about to stop, and I want to answer. I have to face my fear.

At the last ring, I pick up the phone. "Hey, John," I answer.

"Dean," John slurs on the other side. "Merry Christmas. How ya doin'?"

I take a deep breath, shuddering. "Are you drunk?"

"What's it to you?" I can barely understand his answer.

"John..."

"Dean, I-I want ya to come home."

"John—"

"I wasn't finished!" I flinch at the anger in his voice. "Dean, I need you here. It... it gets lonely around the holidays."

"I can't, Da—John. You know I can't."

"Well fuck you, too!" I hear a bottle breaking on the other line and drop my phone from fear. That sound... that sound was the worst sound I could hear as a kid.

I can hear incoherent screaming from his end, but I'm not able to make it out. All I can make out is the slamming of my heart.

I run to the bathroom, immediately throwing up.

I can hear Sam follow after me. I assume he hung up with call. 

He pats my back. "It's alright," he assures me. "You don't have to see him again."

I wipe me mouth with a groan, my stomach unsettled. "Sammy, I—"

"Shh," Sammy insists, pulling me into a hug. A tear escapes my eyes. "It's alright."

Cas stands at the bathroom door. I can hear the board shifting as he shifts awkwardly. Sam begins to wave him away, but I shake my head. "Cas, please," I beg.

Castiel is hesitant but slowly makes his way towards me. "Are you..."

"I'm alright, Cas," I assure him. I grab his hand, comforted by the warmth. "I don't think I've told you much about him."

"I never knew it was so bad. But let's save the sharing for another time. You need to rest."

I nod. "Please, just... don't leave me. Either of you."

I open my eyes to see both my brother and boyfriend nod. Sam carries me to my bed and sits beside me while Castiel snuggles against me.

I fall asleep immediately.

~~~

I lean in the warmth behind me.

"Mornin'," Castiel grumbles sleepily.

I smile and wearily lift me head. "Mornin'." I look around the room, last night coming back to me. I can feel my stomach go uneasy again. "Is Sam still here?"

Cas shakes his head. "No, he left to get Jess and his gift."

"What? What time is it?"

"It's almost one o'clock, Dean."

I bolt out of bed. "What?" 

Cas pulls me back to the bed, kissing my forehead. "It's alright," he assures me. "Last night was..."

"The nightmares," I say.

"What?"

"The nightmares I have. They-They're about him. And the fire."

Cas shifts so he's on his side facing me and I do the same. He doesn't say anything, just looks at me. 

I know I don't have to say anything. I don't have to share. I could keep it all to myself. But I want Castiel to know. I want to share with him.

"Sometimes it starts with me and my mom, other times it starts with the fire. Sometimes she's pregnant and I'm just looking at her stomach. Then I'm in my childhood room. My dad hands me Sammy and... and I run. The house is hot. It's... it's always so hot.

"I almost never make it out of the house. It just burns. To ash. All gone. Mom is... Mom is gone, always. And sometimes Sammy... he's..." a tear rolls down my cheek and Castiel wipes it away, but stayed quiet. "He says it's my fault, Cas," I tell him in a shaky voice. 

Castiel holds me against his body, stroking my hair. He kisses me over and over, everywhere. "It's not," he assures me.

"Then he beats me. He always beats me. He just... the punches and kicks and... it hurts Cas. It's always hurt. He hurt me. I don't—I don't know what to do. He says it's my fault, it's always my fault. I'mma stupid fuckin' fag that ruined his life. It's my fault they're dead, Cas!" At this point I'm balling, crying and screaming into Castiel's arms. He cradles me, gives me comfort I don't deserve.

~~~

"It's great to see you, Jess," I greet, pulling her into a hug.

"You too, Dean."

"I'm Castiel," Cas introduces, holding out his hand.

"I'm Jessica. It's nice to meet you."

"You, too."

Sam sighs. "You doin' better, Dean?"

I smile thoughtfully at Cas, holding his hand in mine and leaning his way. "Yeah."

Sam rolls his eyes. "Are you guys boyfriends yet?"

"Yes, Sammy, now shut up."

By the time Secret Santa comes up, I've greeted everybody and introduced them to Cas. Bobby, Ellen, Jo, Charlie, Ash, Gabriel, Balthazar, and even Adam make it over.

"It's great to see ya again, brother," I say, pulling my half-brother into a hug.

"Yeah," he agrees. "It's been awhile."

Bobby and I talk for some time. Sam called him and told him about what happened with John. Bobby didn't mention it, but he was keeping a close eye on me.

"Alright," Sammy said, clapping his large hands together. "You all ready for Secret Santa?"

Everybody nods. Sam pulls a name out of a hat, dictating who gives the first gift. He pulls out Ellen's name.

Ellen got Bobby a new gun for hunting. Bobby got Jo a pocket knife with her name on it. Jo got Charlie a Harry Potter bobble head. 

"This gift is for you, Dean," Charlie tells me, handing me a bag.

I dig through the extensive wrapping paper and see a—

"This better not be my gift," I say sternly.

Charlie shakes her head. Thank god.

There was a large purple dildo in the bag.

Charlie handed me another bag. "Here's your real gift."

I watched her happy expression wearily, but slowly removed the tissue paper from the bag. There are multiple things in there, and my smile widens with each that I bring out.

Action figures of the whole Scooby Gang. Even the Mystery Van.

"Charlie, this is—"

"Perfect? I know."

I hug Charlie quickly and then remember I have to give my gift. "Jess, this is for you."

I give her the gifts, and she smiles when she pulls the candles out. She laughs. "This is great, Dean. How long did it take to find these?"

I shrug. "Eh, not long. I figured you'd like some candle shit."

Jess rolls her eyes and I grin at her. She knows how much effort I put into it, I didn't have to tell her.

Jess gives Ash a new computer and Ash gave Ellen a pack of beer. Ash has never been the best with gift giving, but Ellen appreciated the effort.

Adam gives Gabe a magic kit, Gabe gives Cas The Fifth Wave book series, and Cas smiles at a chance to give his gift.

"Sam, my gift is for you," he explains. "I've heard you talking and if you don't want it, please feel free to tell me, but..."

Castiel goes to the bathroom and I hear a muffled noise. He comes back with a box—there are holes on the top. I know what he got.

Sam is hesitant but open the lid and a blur of yellow jumps on him.

"A dog!" Sam yells in excitement, cuddling the creature.

"He's a golden retriever and chow mix," Castiel explains. "Six months old."

"Imma name him Scout," Sam says happily, scratching the dog behind its ears. He then looks hesitantly at Jess. "If we can keep him, that is."

Jessica sighs and smiles, petting the dog's head. "He is very cute. Sure, let's keep him."

"Thank god," Cas said in relief.

Sam got Balthazar some knives for cooking and Balthazar gave Adam a baseball bat. 

We continue partying and talking for some more time, eating food,—Cas and I did end up making cookies that turned out pretty damn good,—and thanking one another for gifts.

We eventually say goodnight to one another. I'll see Sam, Jess, and Bobby tomorrow, but the others I probably won't see until the wedding.

Cas and I lay in my bed that night, my boyfriend's arm wrapped around me.

I'm drowsy from the excitement of today. Cas nibbles at my neck, and I sigh in contentment.

"I can't wait to see what you've gotten me for Christmas, Dean."

I hum in response, smiling.

"I think you'll love my gift."

My eyes begin to fall closed. "I bet I'd love anything you give me."

"Really?"

"Mhm."

"And why is that?"

"Because I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s that other chapter! You’re getting one tomorrow, too. Merry Christmas!


	15. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love you, Castiel Novak.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s 1:13 am. I’ve been up this whole time writing this chapter. It’s orobavly horrible. Please forgive me.  
> Merry Christmas!

Shit.

Shit.

I'm pacing in the bathroom at 2 am on December 25th because last night I told my boyfriend I loved him.

I told him that I fucking love him.

I had immediately fallen asleep afterwards, so I don't know how Castiel responded. He was still in my bed, which I suppose is something.

Charlie. She'll know what to do.

But it's 2 am.

But it's Charlie.

I grab my phone and hit Charlie's contact, foot bouncing as I sit on the toilet lid, listening to the ringing.

It takes three rings before she picks up, her voice peppy and awake as ever. "What's up?"

I groan, pinching the bridge of my nose. "How're you up?" I grumble.

Charlie scoffs. "Please, bitch. I don't go to sleep until at least 3 am. Anyway, what's up?"

I groan, rubbing my eyes. "I guess... well, I um..."

"Spit it out, Winchester!"

"I told Cas I love him."

"You WHAT?!"

"Be quiet, Char! He's still sleeping."

"Alright, what the hell happened? I want details, now."

"Um, I dunno. We were just kinda cuddlin', and I was about to go to sleep, but, like, I dunno."

"I said details, Winchester."

"I'm sorry, Char, I'm kinda tired! And I just fuckin' told the love of my life that I love him."

"Isn't that what... isn't that what you're supposed to tell the love of your life?"

"Not Cas!"

"Fine, just... details."

"I'm getting there. I said I'd love anything Castiel got me for Christmas, I think. Because I love him. Then I fell asleep."

"Boring."

"Charlie, please show me some empathy!"

"Sorry, sorry."

"I don't know what to do, Char."

"What do you want to do?"

"I..." I pause. What do I want? I've never thought about it before. "I want to be with Cas. I want to be with the man I love."

"Then you're on the right path."

I sigh and hear Cas grumble in his sleep. "I gotta go back," I tell Charlie. "But... thanks, I guess."

"Anytime."

I hang up and put my head in my hands. 

"Dean?" Cas calls out, voice husky with sleep.

"I'm comin', honey," I respond, the   
pet name slipping my mouth easily.

By the time I get back to the bed, Cas is desperately reaching out for me. I curl up beside him, holding him tightly. "I love you," I whisper in his ear. Because I do. I love him.

And I have to do something with this.

~~~

"Merry Christmas!"

"Shut the hell up, Sammy," I grumble. 

"What? It's holiday spirit."

"Yeah, well Cas is still asleep."

"Sorry. So, what time should Jess and I go over?"

"Uh, noon sound good? 'Bout 5 hours?"

"That's fine. Can we bring Scout? We weren't able to find a sitter."

"That's totally fine, man. Now, can I please go back to sleeping with my boyfriend?"

"Ew, you're doing that now?"

"Get your head outta the gutter, Samual."

"It's Sam."

"Whatever. I'm gonna try to sleep."

"'Kay. See ya later, Dean."

"Merry Christmas, brother."

I hang up the phone and rub my eyes. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep, and I'm utterly exhausted.

Cas shifts beside me, moaning in discomfort. I smile. He's adorable.

I fucking love him.

Cas begins to slowly wake, grinning when he sees me looking at him. "You watch me sleep?" He asks jokingly.

I kiss his forehead, answering, "Yes."

Castiel chuckles. "Creep."

"You love it."

"I do," he replies, kissing my lips. 

He hasn't mentioned last night. That's good. Maybe he was asleep when I said it. Maybe he's just ignoring it. But he's here. He's still here. And I'm not letting him leave.

Bobby is the first to arrive later that day. Castiel cleaned ourselves and the place up and put gifts under the tree.

“Merry Christmas, Bobby," I greeted, pulling him into a hug.

"You too, boy."

"Nice to see you again, Mr. Singer," Cas greeted, holding his hand out.

Bobby rolled his eyes. "What'd I tell ya 'bout callin' me that?"

"Sorry, Bobby."

Bobby knocked Castiel's hand out of the way, instead pulling his into a hug.

Sam and Jess arrived a few minutes later, and we greet them, too. 

It's great to have the family together. My real family. 

Scout trots happily around the house, tripping and falling. He tries to eat Sam's long hair and then opts for laying in his lap and nibbling his finger.

"You guys wanna open gifts?" Bobby asks.

We all nod.

Jessica lifts Scout off of her fiancé's lap, laying the puppy on a chair beside her. "I'll go first," she offers, reaching under the tree to hand everybody their gifts.

Jess got Sam a fancy notebook that erases everything when heated in the microwave. She got Bobby some books about Greek Gods or some shit like that. She got Cas some pajamas with cats on them. And then she got me tickets to the new Star Wars movie.

We all thanked her constantly, but she insisted it was no big deal.

Bobby went next, having gotten Sam and Jess a coupon for couples spa treatment, me a new pie container and Cas an 'IOU'.

"I didn't wanna get you anything you didn't like," he reasoned. "Couldn't have Dean's boyfriend hate me."

Cas shook his head, smiling. "It's fine, Bobby. I get it."

"My turn!" Sam happily exclaimed, causing Scout to poke his head up and jump on his dad. Sam laughed and kissed the dog.

Sam got Bobby a new hat, which he immediately put on, Jess a coffee cup which said 'Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice', making all of us laugh. He got Cas some odd science experiment kit, and Sam got me a bracelet—a black band with our small family charm that we have tattooed on our chests.

Cas goes next. He gets Sam a collar and leash for Scout, Jess some rose-smelling bath bombs, Bobby a watch, and me some cds from Led Zeppelin.

I go last, as per tradition—he whose house it is gives presents last.

I give Jess a stethoscope with the engravement ‘To: Jessica Moore, Love, Dean Winchester.’ I gave Sammy a hoodie that says ‘World’s Okayest Brother’ and Bobby a ‘World’s Okayest Uncle.’ They both loved them. I gave Castiel a subscription to the podcast ‘The Angel of Vine.”

Cas thanks me. He still hasn’t mentioned me telling him I love him. I’m not sure if I should be grateful or hurt.

Later we say goodbye to our guests and Cas and I are all alone.

“Dean,” Cas says, “I have another gift for you.”

I smile. “I do, too,” I admit. “But, I don’t have it yet. I wanted to ask you ‘bout it first, see if you’re open to the idea.”

Cas chuckles. “Me too.”

“Who goes first?”

“You go, Dean.”

I take a deep breath. “What if we get a cat?” I ask.

Castiel grins widely. “I’d love that. And what if—would you like to move in with me?” He asks.

I can feel my heart leap with joy. “Fuck yes!” I yell, throwing my arms around my boyfriend and planting a kiss to his lips. “I love you,” I say. “I fucking love you.”

Cas’ body goes stiff in my arms and I pull away. I rub the back of my neck. “Fuck,” I said. “I did it again, didn’t I?” Cas is about to respond, but I don’t let him. I start babbling. “No, no, it’s fine. I want you to know this. You need to know. ‘Cause I fuckin’ love you, Cas. I—”

Castiel cuts me off with a kiss. “I love you, too, Dean,” he whispers against my lips.

I practically jump with joy. I mutter the words over and over. “I love you.”

“I know, Dean.”

“I fucking love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Hey, you know what?”

“What?”

“I love you, Castiel Novak.”

“You dork.”

“You love it.”

“I love you.”

“Merry Christmas, baby.”

“Merry Christmas, Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I definitely recommend listening to ‘The Angel of Vine.’ It’s great. Misha Collins is in it!


	16. Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fine what?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than usual, so I’ll try to get the next chapter to you guys soon.

We spend as much time as possible cuddling and enjoying one another's company.

Sam and Jess have decided to stay most of Jessica's winter break here, so they've learned what I told Cas. We're slowly making our way to moving into Cas' house and we figure that after that we'll get a cat.

The four of us sit in what will soon no longer be my living room. "It's sad to see this place go," I say. 

Sam nods. "Yeah, we've got a lotta good memories here."

Jess smiles thoughtfully. "At least we'll always have the diner."

Castiel chuckles. "If it weren't for that damn diner my life would be so different right now."

I take a moment to consider life without Cas but quickly stop. I wrap my arm around his shoulders. "Well, that damn diner gave you a damn good life," I comment. I stare into Castiel's ocean blue eyes and feel myself drowning in the beauty, but I don't want to swim up. I could look in his eyes all day.

Sam groans. "Can you two just kiss already?"

I laugh and peck Cas' lips, turning back to my brother. "There. Ya happy now?"

Jess rolls her eyes. "You two are so immature."

Sam frowns and gives her his puppy dog eyes. "Baby," he whines.

"Just kiss already," I mimic Sam.

"You're proving my point," Jessica points out.

Cas smirks. "I like you, Jess."

Jess shrugs. "You gotta learn how to call out a Winchester."

Cas looks at me, a smile planted on his adorkable lips. "I like mine," he mutters quietly, kissing me again.

"So," Sam says, pulling my attention from my boyfriend, "the diner opens back up tomorrow?"

I nod. We've taken days off for the holiday, everybody happy to spend time with their family. On the 26th, Castiel went over to Gabriel's and they had a little celebration of their own. 

"You want us to help?" Sam asks.

"If you feel like it," I answer with a shrug. "But we've got this new kid named Kevin, and he's doin' pretty well."

"I'd love to meet him," Jess comments.

"He's the sweetest little kid," Cas adds. "Workin' up a little money before he graduates."

And, sure enough, the next day Sam and Jess go down to help with the diner.

The more days we take off, the more eager our customers are to eat there. They crave our pie almost as much as I do, and I always provide. 

Castiel spends most of the day at the diner with us, helping out when we need it. He loves the other employees and enjoys getting time with his brother and boyfriend.

Lucifer's still gets business, which has its ups and downs. It makes Dean's less hectic, but it also means we make less money. I'm working on something to boost our customers, though. 

To be fair, I don't know what it will be, but I'm working on it.

Days pass and my life could not be better. I'm fully moved in to Castiel's house and we got a cat. That was a fun trip.

"Let's get this one," I suggest, pointing to a large black cat.

Cas shakes his head. "I want a younger one." He looks around the store, pondering his options. His face lights up. "Let's get this one! Ginger!"

It's a small, orange kitten, but fur lies all around it. I shake my head. "I'm still allergic to cats," I remind him. "We need to get one of those cats with the—the fur. The fur that I'm not allergic to. And I will take my allergy meds, anyway."

We walk around the store together, pondering each and every kitten. Eventually, we decide on a small, short-haired black cat. I wanted to name him something like 'Batty,' or 'Demon,' but in the end we went with Benjamin, Benji for short.

God, Castiel has changed me so much.

Benji is a cute little cat. He and Scout have become buds. They love cuddling. They're like yin and yang; Scout is practically gold and Benji is a deep black. But they love each other despite these differences. They hold each other despite the fact that everybody thought they'd be too different to get along.

It's kinda ironic.

I keep trying to convince Castiel to become the teacher that he's always wanted to be. He says he's too afraid. 

"Take some risks," I tell him. 

Cas shrugs, pulling Benji into his lap and stroking his short fur. "I'm fine with you. I'm fine with where my life is."

"It's just 'fine,' Cas. I want you to have excellent. I want you to have the best life of your life."

"That made no sense."

I laughed. "Shut up, you know what I mean."

Castiel shrugged again. "I don't know. What if—what if I mess up?"

"Just become a teacher," I beg him. "You won't mess up. You're perfect. I know you'll do great."

Castiel sighed. He may be stubborn, but he knew I'd out-stubborn him on any day if I was passionate enough. And I was passionate about this.

"I'm living my dream," I remind him. "Just... go live yours. Please." I grab Castiel's hand and Benji jumps out of his lap. The car crawls over to a corner in the house and curls up, licking its paw. "I want this for you, Cas. I want you to have anything—everything that you want. Because that's what you deserve."

Castiel looked into my eyes and knew he was done. There was no arguing with me about this, not anymore."

"You have the education," I remind him.

"Fine."

"Fine what?"

"Fine, I'll look for a job. As a teacher."

"Thank you, Cas. I know you won't regret it."

"I know."

"I love you."

"I know."

"Hey, Cas?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you buy me some Oreos?"

"Fine."


	17. Childish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You guys are so childish."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda went overboard with this chapter... it’s aver double the length of the last one... but, here ya go.

What to do, what to do.

God this is boring.

And difficult.

Maybe I should ask Sam for help. Or Jess, she's pretty good with this stuff.

Maybe Balthazar could help. I doubt Gabe or Ash could... could Charlie? It's a long shot. Balthazar is the most likely to be able to help.

But he's Balthazar. I don't go to him for anything. 

But I need to help the diner.

Shit.

I text Balthazar and ask him to head into work early so I can discuss a new idea with him. He doesn't reply, but I know he'll show up early. I can't threaten to fire him because I need him and he knows that. He has more power than me in some ways.

My foot bounces up and down as I anxiously wait for my employees arrival.

"You needed something?" The British accent asks, and I shoot my head up, foot yielding its movements.

"Yeah," I answer Balthazar. "You know the cafe next door, Lucifer's?"

"I do work here, Dean. I see it everyday, just as I assume you do."

I roll my eyes but don't call him a smartass like I want to. Instead I say, "Well, they're gettin' a lot of business. I was wondering if you have any ideas—any ideas at all—on how to boost the amount of customers we have. Like, I don't know, maybe a new dish? Is there anything like that you could whip up?"

Balthazar fiddles with his nails, feigning indifference. But I know he cares about the future of this diner just as much as I do. Not only is it his job, he loves cooking. Always has, always will. And he knows I can deal with his smartass, bitchy remarks when he makes them.

"It's not that easy," he comments. "To just 'whip up' something new." I bite my lip anxiously and Balthazar groans. He knows this is serious. He knew as soon as I asked him for advice instead of someone else. He knew when he walked in on my anxious foot tapping. And he knows now as I worry and bite my lip. "I'll see what I can do," he finally agrees.

I almost hug him. But I don't. I don't hug. He doesn't hug. We don't hug because we aren't the hugging type. But I stick my hand out, stand up straight, and look Balthazar in the eyes. He reaches out with a firm grip and shakes my hand.

"Thank you," I tell him.

And I swear, I can see a smile on his lips. It's not there long. Maybe half a second. But it was there. And I'll take it.

The rest of the morning, Balthazar is muttering to himself, finding ingredients and looking at spices. "Chicken..." he'll mumble briefly, rummaging for important spices before then saying, "...meatloaf..."

This went on until the other employees arrived and customers began swarming in. He seemed pleased with himself, happy with whatever he had discovered in that odd brain of his.

I went home to Castiel and Benji, smiling. "Can Sam stay the night?" I ask. He had approached me during work, and I said I needed to ask Cas.

He shrugged. "I don't see why not," he answered distractedly, flipping through one of the books he had gotten.

I smirk. Nerf battles, prank wars—Cas doesn't know what he's gettin in to.

Sam comes over with Scout, who, after jumping on me and Castiel, attempts to play with Benji. Benji hisses and walks away, but Scout chases after him.

Sam shakes his head at the pets. "Thanks for lettin' me stay here," he says. "Jess is havin' a girls night."

"With who?" I question.

"Uh, Hannah, Tessa, Bela—"

"Those bitches?"

Sam shrugs. "She tries to convince me they're nice."

I roll my eyes. "Not buyin' it."

Cas emerges from our room where he was reading his book yet again. "Sam," he greets, my brother pulling him into a hug. "Great to see you again, as always."

Sam nods. "You, too, Cas."

"How's Scout doin'?"

Sam smiles, and the dog runs into the room at the mention of his name. He slides on the wood floor, his floppy blonde ears flying. He crashes right into his owner, and Sam picks him up. "As you can see," he begins, and Scout starts to nibble on one of his fingers, "the little guy is doin' great."

Scout smiles at the praise, mouth moving from Sam's gigantic hand to his Rapunzel hair. Sam groaners and detaches his dog, quickly setting him on the ground.

"What about you?" Sam asks. "How's little Benji?"

Scout runs around, head up and tracking a fly. Benji is probably off in mine and Castiel's room, cleaning himself.

"He's doing great," Castiel replies. He leads my brother to the couch and I follow. "Though Dean night disagree."

Sam eyes me, a smile tugging at his lips. "In my defense," I argue, "I'm allergic."

"You take meds," Cas shoots back.

"You... take... meds," I pathetically day. Sam laughs and Cas lies his head on my shoulder. "To be fair," I continue, "the cat keep lickin' my side of the bed."

We chat for some more time, laughing and smiling. 

And then the battles began.

Because the house is still fairly new, Sam hasn't spent the night. It isn't uncommon for him to do so, and because of that Sam and I both have some basic needs in one another's homes.

"Why don't you go set up your room, Sammy," I suggest, trying to hide the smirk I know is coming.

Sam nods, grabbing his few things and going down the hall.

Castiel sighs. "What did you do?" He asks.

I shrug, but peck his lips. "You know me so well."

Suddenly, the most feminine scream I think I've ever heard comes from the direction of the guest room, and I slap my knee in laughter. "You asshole!" 

Alright, so I might have put a cardboard clown cutout in Sammy's doorway, but...

Sam comes charging back into the room, Scout running towards him. Benji is trailing behind him, the scream obviously scaring the cat.

"You asshole!" Sam screams again, finger jabbing in my direction.

I'm still laughing. Laughing so hard that tears are pricking at my eyes.

"I'll get you back for this," Sam promises, hand over his beating heart.

I roll my eyes and catch my breath.

I know Sam is planning something. In fact, I look carefully around each corner to ensure he isn't there.

"Cas!" I call out. "What's for dinner?"

My boyfriend laughs and I can tell that he's in the kitchen. "I was thinkin' the same thing." He ponders for a while longer before asking, "How do you feel about just ordering in tonight?"

I shrug, though I know Castiel can't see. "I'm fine with that. Pizza?"

Cas agreed, joining me on the couch. Both Benji and Scout seem to have taken a liking to my lap, and my hands are preoccupied stroking their fur.

"Sam!" I yell, and Scout's head shoots up. 

"Yeah?" 

"How's orderin' pizza sound?"

"Give me a sec."

Sam comes in not long after, an odd smile on his face. But, I choose to ignore it. He sits beside me, mumbling nonsense to Scout after telling Cas that he wants some salad. I scoff at the idea, convincing Castiel to split a pizza with me.

"How long 'til they get here?" I ask.

Castiel does a few more things on his computer before answering, "Twenty minutes."

I groan. "Imma grab some Oreos," I decide. I wave the two animals off of my lap, wandering over to the kitchen.

"They're in the cabinet," Cas informs me, seeing my helplessness as I rummage through the kitchen.

"Ya," I shoot back, irritated, "I know that, dipshit. Which one?"

"The, uh, the tall one to the right of the microwave."

"Thanks, babe."

"Babe?" Sam says.

"Oh, shut up."

I go to the cabinet and, sure enough, the Oreos are there. This is the third pack. Cas says I'm addicted.

"Why is it open?" I ask.

Nobody replies.

"Cas, did you eat an Oreo?!"

"Maybe."

I roll my eyes and pull two out. "You guys want anything from the kitchen while I'm here?"

"You grab me a beer?" Sam requests.

"Cas?"

"Can you grab me a Kiss?"

"I'll have to go over there to give you that, baby."

"No, a Hershey's Kiss."

I can hear Sam laugh as I grab the chocolate.

I hand each of them their requests, plopping back down on the couch to discover that the pets have found home in the opposite owners' lap. The golden dog tries to eat the Kiss that I give Cas, but he successfully maneuvers it around Scout.

I take a bite into my Oreo, and—

The fuck.

I expected bliss, but this—this is—

Getting over the initial shock, I spit out the disgusting substance in my mouth. Toothpaste.

I hear Sam laughing and I know he's done this. "Son of a bitch," I mutter, wiping the side of my mouth. "I'll kill you."

Castiel sighs. "Why did I agree to this?" He asks himself, causing Sammy to laugh more.

Alright. He decided to give me toothpaste, I'll take away his toothpaste. 

We get the food a little bit later, and I devour three slices of pizza. I quickly excuse myself to the bathroom, sneaking off to Sam's instead.

Sam doesn't have much toothpaste left, considering he used most of it to fill every fucking Oreo in the tin. 

When I had ran off to the kitchen to wash my mouth of the Oreo imposter, I grabbed something, too. Wasabi.

Sam despises it. I guess I understand why. I mean, I wouldn't eat it by itself.

I fill the tube with the wasabi, chuckling as I do so and constantly checking behind my shoulder to make sure Sam doesn't catch me. Thankfully, he doesn't, and I manage to slide back to my boyfriend and brother, both unsuspecting.

Later that night, when Sam goes to brush his teeth, he curses me out. "You little—what the hell is this shit? Is this wasabi, you dick?"

Cas shakes his head. He's clearly not amused by the prank war. But, I find it hilarious.

It's too late for Sam to pull anymore pranks—well, to set them up. Unless he wants to prank me when I'm sleeping, but I can deal with that later.

Satisfied with the results, I go to the bathroom, and take a shower. It's warm and refreshing, which I still can't get used to. I never had this in my apartment. Sure, maybe five minutes of good, not-freezing water, but I've never had consistently warm water at my disposal. And I freakin' love it.

I clean myself up, taking my sweet time. Last thing I saw was Castiel and Sam starting some nerd document about the brains of animals, and I don't really wanna go into that right now.

When I do finally hop out of the shower, I hear a scratching at the bathroom door. I sigh as I let Scout in, and he immediately begins to lick my drying legs. I don't fight it. He's a cute little dude.

I brush my teeth, making sure the toothpaste is actual toothpaste, and then dry my hair. I look in the mirror, and—

I swear to fucking god.

"Sammy!" I shout, though I can already hear my brother laughing.

"Did it work?" He shouts back.

I storm into the living room, only a towel wrapped around my waist, and point angrily at the bright pink hair on my head. "This wasn't here before."

"Hair due in the shampoo, dude," Sam explains.

Cas rolls his eyes but, this time, he's grinning. "You guys are so childish." 

"You think this is funny, Cas?" I ask, seeing him hold back laughter.

He shrugs. 

I storm off to the bathroom again, throwing on my clothes and willing the pink to go away. It doesn't.

It's sometime around one in the morning. We started a game of Uno long ago, ignoring my hair.

I put down a blue four on top of Cas' yellow four, proudly declaring "Uno."

Sam observes his cards—he has so many he can't even fan them out in his large hands—but shakes his head. "Jerk," he mumbles.

"Bitch," I reply.

You guys are too good at this," Sam comments.

Sam puts down a blue two and I can hear my heart beating anxiously in my chest. This is where I win.

But then I look at Cas' face. "Babe, please," I beg.

"I have to," he argues.

"No, come on—"

Castiel lies down a Draw 4 and grins widely. "Uno. And the color is green."

I pout, drawing four more cards. "Your turn, Sammy."

Sam nods, then puts down the card that allows him to pick a color. "Blue," he decides.

Cas smirks, throwing down a blue 6.

"What the hell?" Sam asks, throwing his cards down in frustration.

"Reverse psychology," Cas explains. "You'd think that I'd have a green if I wanted someone to play one."

"But how'd you know Sammy wouldn't say another color?"

"I didn't. But, I figured it was as good a shot as any."

I shake my head. "I'm goin' to bed," I grumble. "We can clean up tomorrow."

The others agree, and we all head to our designated bedrooms. Castiel ruffles my pink hair, and we all say goodnight to one another.

Cas and I lay awake, though, staring in one another's eyes. He fiddled with my newly colored hair, smiling. "It's a nice look," he comments.

"Should I keep it?" I ask jokingly.

"It suits you."

I shrug, pulling Castiel's hand to my mouth and laying a kiss on it. "We should go to bed."

Cas nods, and quickly his eyes fall closed.

Once that has happened, I crawl out of bed. Benji rubs against my leg, and I almost trip over him, but I manage to not make too much noice. I sneak to the junk drawer, pulling out a marker and a feather. Then I go grab shaving cream from my bathroom and tip-toe to my brother's room.

He's sleeping soundly, his arm hanging off the bed. Perfect.

I doodle on Sammy's face a little—only the classics. A mustache, some glasses, a dick on his cheek. Then I grab the shaving cream, spraying it on his hand.

Now for the feather—

I feel a hand on my arm and jump back. But it's only Cas. I take a deep breath, glancing at Sammy to make sure he's asleep.

"Just come back to bed," Cas requests, tugging at my shirtsleeve.

I sigh. His hair is all ruffled, his blue eyes shining in the dark. "Alright," I agree. I begin to walk out of the room with Castiel, but quickly turn around to tickle Sam with the feather.

Cas rolls his eyes as Sam slaps his head, smothering himself in shaving cream. Sam groans, coming to his senses. "Can't you ever just—" but he stops his sentence, with nothing else to say.

He walks over to his bathroom, using a washcloth to wipe off his hand and face. He quickly looks in the mirror and frowns. "Ass," he grumbles, tracing the mustache.

I shrug, but hold my hand out. "Truce?"

Sam looks at my hand wearily before taking it. "Truce," he agrees. "I'm cleanin' my face in the mornin'."

"You look like an idiot," I comment.

"Right back at ya."

"Bitch."

"Jerk."

"G'night, brother."

"Night, Dean."


	18. New Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Happy New Years.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blow jobs  
> Masturbation

New Years Eve.

Sammy and Jess left yesterday, and though it was a sad departure, it was nice to have the house to just Castiel and me again. And it was nice to have my normal hair color again.

But, New Years Eve.

I manage to convince Cas to go to a bar with me. I do it every year, and this year will not be an exception. And, it's not like Cas had any plans.

It's one of my favorite bars. Purgatory. I used to go there almost daily, but then I got my life back on track with the diner, and eventually with Cas.

I'm well known at the bar. I know the names of the bartenders—Eve, the owner, Lafitte, Gordon, Maddie, and Kate,—and they know me. Not to mention I'm kinda famous around most of the regulars 'cause I hold lots of records. There would be shot competitions, wing eating competitions, etc., and I'd win them all.

Except this one guy, Dick Roman. He hates me and I despise him. On one occasion, he tried to get me kicked out of the bar. On another occasion, we both got kicked out when I threw a fist at him. It was worth it.

But, it's New Years Eve. The bar is a little more filled than normal, but not extremely so. It's a small, secluded place, and few people know about it. I stumbled upon it more by drunken luck than anything.

I sit down at the bar with Cas, and Gordon walks over. He's my least favorite bartender. I brought Sammy here one time and Gordon... got a little too comfortable with him. Tried to roofie my brother, bring him home. I, of course, didn't let that happen, but Eve didn't drop him.

"Usual?" Gordon asks.

I nod. "Two," I tell him, jerking my head towards Cas.

My 'usual' is just a beer, but it also means that if I stay long enough, I move to a whiskey, and if it moves to the next day, a purple nurple and a ride home, either with a girl or from Maddie. Maddie refuses to sleep with me, though she and Sam did have a thing.

A beer is placed in front of both Castiel and I, and Gordon eyes my company for a minute. He then moves on to the next guests.

Cas thinks we should take it slow. I think it's New Years Eve.

By the time I've had three beers and am about to slow down and just sip my whiskey, Cas has finished his first bottle. I usher him along, begging him to hurry up.

And hurry up he does.

Cas eventually goes to the bathroom, understandably considering how much we've drunk.

Once he leaves, a cute, caramel skinned brunette walks up to me. She's gorgeous and I wear she has to be a model. "I'm Carmen," she introduces herself.

I mentally debate with myself, though there isn't much debate. My mind is swirling and her curves are perfect and eyes chocolate and lips pink and hands so soft running along my shoulder—

But her eyes are nothing compared to the blue pools of sky that my boyfriend has, her hand tiny and—

"I'm Dean," I introduce myself, tongue prodding the inside of my cheek and she giggles and god that laugh is heavenly and—

I've had a lot to drink but—

Castiel is gone and he's gonna come back and he has that gorgeous stubble that tickles my chin when he kisses me and he's so fuckin perfect and I love him—

But this girl—Carmen—is like my dream girl and I take another sip of my whiskey, eyes trailing her body as she leans over and I vaguely hear her say she's a nurse but my mind is bubbling and it's New Years Eve and it's so loud and—

Cas is back, hugging me, his lips finding mine, and I swear he's trying to devour me and I look in his blue eyes and he's jealous, he's jealous and he's beautiful. 

"You're mine," he whispers possessively in my ear, nipping at my earlobe and my dick jumps in my pants.

I tip back to glass of whiskey, downing the rest before grabbing my boyfriend's muscular and perfect arm and dragging him in the direction of the bathroom. I can see the disappointment in Carmen's face and I know if Castiel wasn't here it'd be her I'd have by the arm, dragging to the bathroom.

I slam Castiel against the wall, reaching blindly behind me and locking the door while my teeth tug at his neck. I paw at his jeans while he fumbles with mine, both of us dizzy from beer and lust. I quickly drop to my knees, focusing enough to undo his belt and button and pull down his boxers.

Cas' dick is hard and throbbing and right by my face and I'm practically drooling at the sight. I undo my own jeans and take my erect member into my hands, gobbling down my boyfriend's.

Castiel braces himself against the wall, one hand going down to my hair. "Your lips are so gorgeous," He babbles. He always babbles. I moan at the praise, loving how he rubs at my hair. I take him all in, tears in my eyes as I hold back my gags. "Fuck. Fucking perfect around my cock."

I continue to beat myself off, mouth and hand moving at lighting speed trying to get us both to finish as soon as possible. But his precome tastes delicious in my drunken state and we're not in a crappy bathroom at Purgatory, but we're flying together, and it's perfect and my mind is swirling and I'm close, I'm so fucking close—

I taste the jizz hit my throat and I greedily swallow it all down, coming myself mere seconds later. We both fix each other up and I smirk at him and I know my hair is a mess but I love it and I can still feel his fingers running through it and I don't dare fix it.

Maddie eyes me as I walk out of the bathroom with Cas, giggling stupidly, and Carmen rolls her eyes. I order another whiskey and soon it's almost midnight, almost a new year and I'm still with Cas, he's still here.

We take shots and people cheer and I can't breath as the tequila burns my throat but I hold back the tears, throwing my arms up in victory. And I can hear Dick muttering something about me and he's watching me, he's behind me, but I don't care because Cas cheered me on and I won, I fucking won. 

"You're my cherry pie," I whisper in his ear, giggling like a school girl with a crush.

But Castiel smiles. He smiles and I love that smile, so wide and I can see his teeth and he's giggling, too, laughing and hugging me and I can hear him hum the song, humming the song that I sung when I was so drunk I puked in his car. And I love him. I know I love him in this moment and I'd never leave him. I wouldn't be able to because I fucking love him with all of my heart.

"5..." the people begin to count, and I know they're all watching the clock, the tv, watching as the ball behind to drop but Cas just smiles at me and I lose myself in his gaze, neither one of us speaking. 

"4..." And he leans in like he's about to say something and his breath reeks of alcohol and mine does, too, but I don't care, we don't care.

"3..." His beer breath is warm against my ear and I can feel my face going red because this man is so perfect and I don't deserve him but he's here, he's fucking here with me and he's not leaving.

"2..." And his hand finds my shoulder to steady himself because he's drunk and I'm about to order purple nurples for the both of us and I can still taste the tequila.

"1..." It's all so surreal, having the man I want, the man I need, the only person who can fulfill my needs and understands me like this and this doesn't happen, not for me, but I have him.

And I hear his voice, his perfect, deep, gravelly voice that sends shivers down my spine. "I'm your cherry pie," he whispers. And to others it might mean nothing but to me, to me it means the world.

Purgatory erupts in a "Happy New Years!" and I grab Castiel's face, kissing him like I've never kissed anyone before and it's sloppy and drunk but it's filled with love because it's him, I have him, and I'm not letting him leave.

"I love you," I breathe, like always.

"I know."

"You're perfect."  

"You are, too."

"I know."

"Happy New Years, Dean."

"Happy New Years."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, happy New Years Eve, everybody. It might be a week or two before I post the next chapter, and I can guarantee it will be big. Both in length and events. See you all in 2019!


	19. Shoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”I lost my shoe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long chapter, but too short to turn it into two chapters. Enjoy!

God, my head fucking hurts.

It's throbbing.

On my nightstand, there's some water and an Advil. I mentally thank Castiel, knowing he was the one who put it there and took both.

My throat burned. And my breath was horrible.

I drank too much. Definitely. But it was New Year's Eve. I drink until I puke.

And, god, did I puke.

After that kiss, the night was a blur. I remember lots of drinking. Some pool. More shots. And then Maddie drove us home. I love her. Before, I really just wanted to get in her pants. And, though I know the names of all the bartenders, it's really only her that I have a connection with.

I hear Cas rummaging in the kitchen, speaking. There are pauses, and I know he's on the phone. I check the clock. It's noon. Thank god the diner is closed.

I'm in only my boxers. I puked all over my clothes, so, that makes sense. But only Cas is here, so I don't feel the need to tidy myself up before wandering into the kitchen.

When I walk in, he's just hanging up the phone, a smile on his face. "I got it," he quietly says to himself. I quirk an eyebrow, but Castiel doesn't see me. He just keeps whispering, repeating.

I sneak up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist and pressing a kiss to his neck. He hums appreciatively.

"I got the job," he tells me.

"The job?"

"The teaching job. Once winter break is over, I'm in. One of the teachers is on maternity leave, so I can fill in."

I wrap my arms around him tighter, grinning widely. "I knew you'd get it," I tell him, planting another kiss. "'Cause you're perfect. Fuckin' perfect."

~~~

Two days.

Cas has been teaching science to sixth graders for two days.

And he loves it.

I know he's great at it. He loves kids. He's perfect for the job. He leaves before I do in the morning and comes home before me, too. Though he wishes he could curl up with me in the morning, he doesn't want to lose his job. And I don't want him to lose it, either.

The principle—Cain, if I remember correctly—is a crazy dude. But he and Castiel share this odd interest for bees. They don't leave each other, definitely not. But, Cas is a good teacher, and Cain can't deny that.

And the kids—they haven't had him for long, but the kids adore him. They look up to him. This one student, Jesse, I can tell that there's something about that kid... not only is the kid great, but he, he just likes Cas. And Cas is good for him, can relate to him. Castiel, like Jesse, was never super popular, was always a bit of an oddball. The kid loves his pranks, and Cas does, too.

I love to see his smile. He keeps smiling. He smiles so much now. He loves them.

~~~

Castiel has the job permanently now. 

The teacher, for whatever reason, decided to quit. She said she wanted to spend time with her kid, or something like that. 

But Cas has the job.

When he shared the news, we shared a beer. 

It was great. It is all so great. So perfect.

~~~

As I'm Sammy's best man, my job is to plan the bachelor party.

The two other groomsmen are Adam and Brady. 

This is gonna be the best fucking bachelor party ever.

Bobby is invited, but, as I figured, he declined as soon as I told him about the strippers. So the party is gonna be Gabe, Ash, Garth, Castiel, Adam, Brady, me, and, obviously, Sam.

I rented us a party bus, but, first, we all went to Purgatory to get a little buzzed up. But, once I get notice that the strippers were almost there, I ushered everybody to the bus, where there was even more alcohol.

The strippers were named Lana and Sparrow, and, let me say, they were gorgeous. Lana has tan skin and flowing black hair that teaches an inch or two below her shoulders. She's muscular, which is obvious to see as she climbs on the pole in the bus, and her eyes are a piercing blue to the point they're almost silver. 

Sparrow, on the other hand, is paler but not dangerously so and has auburn hair about the same length. She's fit, though not as muscular as Lana, more skinny than anything, and her eyes are a deep green with hints of blue.

But both women are beautiful.

"I'd fuck them both," Sam whispers to me as Lana begins dancing on the pole. She twirls, her legs wrapped around the metal as she hangs back, making eye contact with me. I smirk and wink at her, which causes Cas to slap my shoulder.

We continue to drink, drinking until no boundaries apply. As Lana steps off the pole, Ash immediately orders a lap dance, and Adam eyes Sparrow's breasts.

I would be like either one of them but, right now, I'm too concentrated on Castiel's neck. It's delicious. And his ass. God, his ass. It feels so perfect in my hands, squeezing it and hearing Cas lose it. God, I love this.

Sam and Gabriel are talking, while Garth is fighting with Adam over who will get the first lap dance with Sparrow and Brady is grabbing his money and getting ready for his with Lana. Men are fuckin' animals.

I know Gabriel has a thing for my brother. In fact, he's dangerously close to kissing the guy. But I'm grateful that he has enough sense to not do that. I mean, Sammy's 'bout to get married.

Just like on New Years, we take shots. Somehow Gabe convinces us to do body shots and insists on using some disgusting, cotton-candy-flavored alcohol. I hate the idea.

But, I'm not one to turn down a challenge.

I get Cas drunk enough for him to let me do body shots off him instead of his brother, but Sam still does his off, Gabe. Sam's so fucking wasted it's not even funny.

We all end up crashing on the bus. We wake up covered in alcohol and sweat, but Lana and Sparrow are gone. Our heads hurt and our bodies are messed. I wake up to Sam, very confused and drowsy, muttering, "I lost my shoe." When I look at his feet, I see he's correct. One foot was the way he brought it while the other is covered in nothing but his black sock.

But it was the best night ever.

~~~

Wedding day.

Oh god.

My little brother is getting married. Before me.

I'm happy as hell for him. I love Jessica. She's like a sister to me already. Time to make it legally official.

I've been preparing my speech for a while now. When I was younger I'd distract myself by coming up with what I'd say. Because I knew Sam was going to marry the most perfect girl ever.

"You ready?" I ask Sam, rubbing his shoulder.

He rolls his eyes as he buttons his grey tuxedo jacket.

I've gotta admit one thing: Jess is great at coordinating clothes. She is wearing a gorgeous but humble pale pink dress with some intricate lace flowers on the top and a small, glittering silver belt. She kept asking me if I thought the dress was good. It was perfect. 

So, Sam is wearing a primarily light grey suit—light grey formal pants, vest, and jacket. His dress shirt is white and his tie, pocket square, and flower thingy—which Sam continues to tell me is called a boutonnière—are a pale pink that perfectly matches his bride's dress. 

The bridesmaids are wearing matching strapless crimson dresses, and the bouquets they hold are filled with flowers the same color as their dresses with a few white roses sprinkled in. Jessica's bouquet, on the other hand, is the same perfect pink as her dress, with, of course with some white roses.

The groomsmen wear suits the same shade of grey. Our ties, pocket squares, and 'boutonnières' are crimson, just as the bridesmaids' dresses and flowers are.

And the location is so—it's so them. I couldn't imagine my brother getting married anywhere else. Or Jess, for that matter. Thank god the weather is good, though, because it is outside. Just as I'd think it would be.

"You look great," I assure my brother, turning him from the mirror. He's like a little anxious kid again, his breath shaky and his hands fumbling with whatever they can. I smile up at him. "You're gonna crush this."

I see his hesitant smile, and I know what he wants. I know because I'm his big brother. And I always know. "I wish he were here, too," I tell him. "I wish we had a better father that wasn't drunk half the time and passed out the other. I wish we had a father that could come to your wedding, see how great you did. She's a lot like Mom. Mom would have liked her. Dad would have liked her. And I wish he were here."

Sam pulls me into a hug. "I don't need Dad," he tells me. "I got you, Dean."

I smile. And I want to cry. I think I might. But I can't. This is Sam's big day. I'm here for Sam. 

As we pull away, I playfully slap his arm. "Go get 'em, tiger."

The ceremony is beautiful. The vows are perfect and so happy and lovey-dovey and so Sam and so Jess. The way they look into one another's eyes... the way hearts appear above their heads... that's how I know they are absolutely perfect for one another.

But, I will say, Cas looks fucking good in a suit. So good I wish he wasn't wearing it. Wish I could just tear it off his right now.

But I can't. Because as much as I love getting to know Brady and getting to catch up with Adam and getting to congratulate Sam and getting to glare at Bela and her perfect body and getting to call Jess my sister—as much as I love all of that, I have a speech to make.

With a deep breath, I stand up and tap my fork to my glass. Immediately, the small talk quiets down and all eyes are aimed my way. I've never been one for public speaking. But, seeing Castiel's blue eyes—always so blue—staring up at me, I feel slightly better.

I cleared my throat, sucking in another breath. "I'm Dean," I began, "Sam's best man and his older brother. I think it says a lot about a man when he chooses his brother to be his best man... mainly that he has no friends." Some light-hearted laughter goes around the crowd and I smile. Maybe this could go better than planned. "It was difficult for Sam to chose his best man when he has two brothers—me and Adam—so, we drew straws. I lost.

"But, no, really, Sam is the nicest guy I know and I'm honored to have been chosen to be his best man. I'm glad he was able to find someone that liked him enough to marry him. I'm proud of him. He's a successful author and has found the perfect woman for him. But, now for a little about my brother Sam.

"Samual W. Winchester was born on May 2nd, 1983. After me, my parents wanted a girl. And, let's be honest, they very nearly got one. 

"It has to be said, Sam was a weird looking baby. In fact, we were at a store once when a woman at the desk said he was the ugliest baby she'd ever seen. Sam was only a few months old at the time. But Mom was fuming. She was pacing up and down outside the shop for ten minutes with me and Sammy until a policeman came over to ask if everything was alright. Mom told him what the woman inside had said and he offered to look after us while she made a complaint to the manager. Well, what he actually said was 'You go and give him a piece of your mind, madam. I'll hold your monkey.'" The laughter that came with each joke was what encouraged me to keep going. It melted my nerves away to hear my brother and his wife—his fucking wife—so carefree. Bobby was doubling over in laughter. And to hear my boyfriend learn about my childhood and enjoy it all—I loved it.

"I'm Sam's older brother, as I said before. So I always looked after him. I took care of him when our parents couldn't. I comforted him in his hardest moments. And he comforted me in mine. No questions asked he was there. And I know he'll do that for Jessica. And I know Jess will do that for him.

"Sam was always a goofy kid. I swear, he could be seen skipping to school he was so excited. He promptly stopped when his foot caught in a crack on the sidewalk and he fell, but that's beside the point. He was always eager. Eager to learn. One teacher of his told him he had a real knack for writing. He didn't believe the teacher. But he kept writing because he loved it. He went to school to become a lawyer, but lost interest and went back to his original dream. The Supernatural stories. And, let me say, he's done a pretty good job.

"When we were younger, Sam and I carved our initials into our Dad's car—the beautiful 1967 Chevy Impala that I still drive to this day. But it was a way to show our brotherhood. Sam is the most loyal person I know. He'll stick with me forever, and I know any person he finds, he'll stick with them, too. That applies to all of his friends here today and anybody he decides to welcome into our little family.

"Jess, I'm happy to welcome you to the Winchester family. When Sam told me the good news, there was only one thought in my mind: 'now there's a girl who knows how to settle.' I swear Jess is something of a miracle worker. She took the misshapen lump of human Play-Doh that I call my little brother, and molded him into a man. Let's hope it lasts. And if he does start to get brittle or droopy in his old age, just sprinkle him with water, roll him around a bit, and draw a smiley face on him with a sharp stick. 

"But, really, I hope you and my brother enjoy a lifelong happy marriage. You both deserve it. Jess, you're one of the most powerful and fierce women that I know, but you're also the kindest. You and Sam are perfect for one another. And you deserve a happy life.

"Sam is a great guy. As his big brother, I've known him his entire life. Often it's the younger sibling who feels he has to live up to his older brother, but with us, it's the other way around. Sam is kind, loving, loyal, hardworking and ambitious. He's the one I look up to. I always have. That's one way of looking at it, anyway. Another is that I was just trying to keep the bar low for him so he wouldn't feel pressured. No need to thank me, Sammy.

"As you might have noticed, Sam and I are very different people. That's clear from our lifestyles. For one, he's a famous author while I run a locally known diner. He plans everything, is kinder. I'm more rugged and more handsome. I hate tomatoes, but Sammy doesn't know a recipe without them. But there is one thing that we can agree on: meeting Jessica was the single best thing to happen in his life."

My brother and new sister-in-law gaze lovingly at each other and I smile. It really was the best thing to happen to him. Without a doubt.

I raise my glass in the air. "A toast to the future. To an apple pie life. A life where you two have a white picket fence, a perfect house, and weekly family barbecues with your two kids and old dog, Scout. A future of smiles and happiness and laughter and everything you could ever wish for. This—this is a toast to the new Mr. and Mrs. Winchester-Moore. A toast to Sam and Jess!" Everybody raises their glasses, clinking them together and taking a sip, echoing "to Sam and Jess!" as I sit down.

Sam hugs me. He hugs me. "You did great," he tells me.

I smile. "No. You did great." I look over to Jess and wrap and wrap an arm around her shoulder. "It's great to welcome you to the family, Jess."

She smiles and rests her hand on mine. "That was a beautiful speech, Dean."

"Dean?" Cas says, immediately pulling my attention. "That was... that was fantastic, Dean."

I quickly put my lips on Castiel's. I can't stop fucking smiling. "Thank you."

I imagine this is my wedding. Sam has just finished his best man speech for me. And Cas—Cas is sitting beside me. My groom. The person I want to spend my life with. Forever.

"I love you, Cas."

"I love you, too, Dean. Hey, Dean?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"We should do this, someday."

"Anytime, Castiel."

"Good."


	20. Man Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are you finally gonna man up?"

It's officially January 23th.

Castiel and I have been together one year and three months.

Sammy and Jess have been married a little over a year, too.

But I think I'm gonna propose to Cas today.

We've actually discussed it for some time. We don't want to rush anything, but we feel, if one of us were to hypothetically propose, we'd be ready.

Castiel is at work, as am I. He's still teaching, which I'm grateful for. He loves it too much to not do it.

The only person I've told is Charlie. She was the one that encouraged me to propose in the first place.

So, while I'm baking pies, I'm practically jumping up and down from anxiety and anticipation. I don't know if I'm more afraid or more excited to do it.

"Are you finally gonna man up?" Charlie asks.

I nod. "Today's the day, Char. I know it. I feel it. Today is going to be memorable."

Charlie smiles at me. "It better be." 

"I don't know what I'd do without you, Charlie," I admit.

"Crash and burn, probably."

"Oh, shut up."

"Just call me when it's done, alright?"

My phone buzzes in my pocket. "Speaking of calls..." I don't bother to look at the caller ID, I just answer. "This is Dean Winchester."

"Mr. Winchester—"

"Who is this?" I ask, unable to recognize the voice.

"Mr. Winchester, this is Kansas Medical Center. We're calling about Castiel Novak. He's been in an accident—"

I don't hear the rest. My mind is spinning. My knees go weak. I can feel Charlie's curious and concerned eyes on me. I run out of the kitchen and one of the televisions catches my eyes.

School shooting. That's where—that's where Cas works.

"A-An accident?" I stutter out quietly, cutting off the woman on the phone.

"Yes. There was a shooting and I'm afraid—"

I hang up. I'm going there. Now. Immediately.

"Dean?" Charlie calls out as I grab my coat.

"You're in charge."

"Dean, stop." She grabs my arm and a tear runs down my face. My legs are weak and I collapse in my best friend's arms. "Dean, what happened?"

I try to answer with words, but I can't. I point to the tv and just mutter, "Cas, hospital."

"Dean, you can't—"

"I have to see him, Charlie, I have to. He's—he's—"

"Shut up. You can't drive in this condition. I'm driving you."

I nod reluctantly. "Wait here," she demands. "I'll be right back. Balthazar, you're in charge."

I don't know what happens. I'm too dazed. I remember being dragged to a car. I cried. I cried so much. And my heart—it was beating so fast. I couldn't—I can't—breath. I think I'm dying. I think Castiel is dying.

I jump out of the car before it's stopped and run over to the front desk. "Cas-Castiel Novak," I tell the lady at the front desk.

"Are you Dean Winchester?" She asks.

I nod my head frantically. "Where is he? What happened?"

"Calm down, Sir, it'll be okay—"

"Don't tell me it'll be okay, let me see my fucking boyfriend!"

Charlie comes running in. "I'm sorry about him," she apologizes. "He's a little worried. Can-Can we see him?"

I feel dizzy again. So dizzy. The lady tells us his room number and I drag Charlie there, practically sprinting.

And I see him.

He's laying in the hospital bed, eyes closed. His head—

God, I might puke.

A nurse walks in, clearly surprised to see us. "Oh, hello there. I didn't know Mr. Novak has visitors." She puts her hand out and Charlie shakes it, but I can't pull my eyes off Cas. My Cas.

"I'm Tessa, Mr. Novak's nurse. And you two are?"

"I'm Charlie and this is Dean. Dean is Castiel's boyfriend. I'm just here to control Dean."

Tessa nods understandingly.

"What happened?" I ask, my voice so small I can barely recognize it. Because Cas looks so dead. But he's breathing—barely. Machines are attached to him everywhere. He can't breathe on his own. His shirt isn't on, his chest is bloody and god, I—

"There was a shooting," Tessa answers, "at the school. I was told he was ushering kids out of the classroom when the shooter came. Shot him in his chest and his head."

"What-Why-Why isn't he awake? What happened?"

"Well, the bullet to his abdomen punctured his lung, so we need to monitor his breathing. And the bullet to his head—it's dangerously close to his brain. It may have hit something. I'm not going to lie, we aren't sure Castiel will wake up. He may not live."

"But-But he has to. He has to wake up." I can feel the tears coming again. Castiel's body is blurry and all I can hear is my heart, my heart and that goddamn machine beeping, beeping, beeping, and the thudding of my heart and I don't think I can do this. He's seems so frail, struggling to survive, and—

I run out of the room and quickly find a bathroom, hurling my lunch and breakfast into the toilet. Tears fall and I don't think I can stop them because he may not wake up—Cas may not wake up. But I can't lose him, I can't, it's like I've just got him and if he leaves then I'm—I'm nothing. 

I can feel Charlie beside me, hugging me. She tells Tessa to call Sam Winchester-Moore, gives her his number. Because I need my brother. I need my little brother but more than anything I need my boyfriend. I need Cas but he's laying limp in the other room, frail and ready to break. 

But I feel selfish because others got shot, I'm sure. Little kids and teachers and others but—but I want to be selfish because I'll do anything to just have my Cas back. I don't care about the others because Cas is all I care about. He's all I care about. And I can't lose him.

After puking, I don't leave Cas' room. I can't. Sam calls me and we talk and I want to cry some more but I don't because I have to be strong. I can't break apart like this because Castiel isn't dead, not yet, and I have to be strong.

I grip Cas' limp hand in mine, never wanting to let go. Because maybe if I let go he'll be gone. Because last time I let go—

Last time I let go he got shot. And I can't have anything like that happen, not again, not to me, not to Cas, because I can't lose him. So I don't let go.

A few teachers come to me and talk, along with some kids. They say Mr. Novak saved his life and I'm on the verge of tears because these kids—these fucking kids—loved Castiel almost as much as I did.

Jesse's there. Cas doesn't teach Jesse anymore, but when Jesse heard what happened he forced his parents to let him see his teacher, his favorite teacher. And I can tell the kid adored him, looked up to him like he was perfect and he was, he fucking was.

There's little Jack Kline. He says Mr. Novak was like a father to him, that his family life wasn't good. His father emotionally and physically abused him, lied to him constantly, but Cas was always there, always there for him. The kids thought Jack was evil like his father, but he wasn't, he swears he isn't, and Cas always believed in him. Jack was shot in the arm, but he says in Cas hadn't pushed him out of the way it would've been worse. He would've been dead.

I hold Cas' hand through it all. I already knew Castiel was a hero, I knew he'd do anything for these kids and I love him for it. This is why I love him. But this is why I hate him.

It's nighttime. Tessa tried to get me to go home, but I refuse. She says she'll let it slide this one night as long as I eat tomorrow. Just eat something. I say yes, but I can't. I can't leave Cas' side.

I talk to Cas. It's like I'm praying to him, as if he's some divine angel that can hear me.

"Cas, I—" my breath catches in my throat and a warm tear slides down my face. Warm. It's so fucking warm. Like Cas' hand, trying to stay alive. Trying to hold on to his life, his body heat. "I miss you, Cas." And I just talk. Senseless talking. The kind of talking my boyfriend does during sex.

"I can't lose you. Not right now, Castiel."

"I was gonna propose."

"I love you."

"I need you. I need you."

"You can't leave."

"You're beautiful, Cas."

"Please come back, baby."

"I can't lose you."


	21. Poison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m fuckin’ poison!”

Tessa made me leave.

I haven't had a bite of food all day.

All my friends are worried about me. Sam and Charlie especially. But I don't look at my phone. I don't answer calls or texts. I don't know whether to only think of Castiel or to never think of him. Both hurt.

I go to Purgatory. I need a fucking drink.

Lafitte is my bartender and I order a burger and a beer. 

"Where's that boy of yours?" He asks as he sets down my second beer without me asking. I've already scarfed down my burger.

"You mean Cas? Hospital. Dying. Maybe dead already. And I need this fucking drink."

"You alright there, Chief?"

"I'm not, Lafitte—"

"Benny," he insists. "Call me Benny. I can tell you've had a hard night."

"That's for sure." I chug the bottle of beer, all of it gone almost instantly. "Can I get another?"

Benny eyes me for a second before obeying, putting another bottle in front of me. I reach to grab it, but he yanks it away. "Be slow with this one," he tells me. I roll my eyes, snatching it from his hands.

I drink. And drink. And drink. I drink a lot. A whole fucking lot.

"You—hic—um, got some weed or somethin'?" I ask Benny.

Benny sighed. "I'm cuttin' you off, Chief." His Canadian accent rings in my ears, but there was another voice I wanted to hear. A perfectly sweet, deep, gravely, husky, thick, fantastic, perfect voice. 

"I'm poison," I grumble to myself, shoving my head in my hands. And the tears are so close, so fucking close, but I can't cry. Because I don't know Benny. I don't know the people here. I can't be weak. Cas wouldn't want me to be.

But it's my fault that Castiel isn't here. It's my fucking fault. I convinced him to go for that job. I convinced him. And he might die because of that. I'm poison. I kill. I killed my mother, I killed my boyfriend.

"What was that?" Benny asks.

"I'm fuckin' poison!" I slur, head shooting up. "I'm a fuckin' good for nothin' fag. Maybe my-my dad was right, ya know? Maybe I don't deserve any of this."

Benny shook his head. "Dean, I know that's not true. You're not poison."

"How d'you know?"

Benny lent over, observing me. His eyes were blue. Lighter than Cas', but blue nonetheless. So much blue. I miss the blue. The blue in Castiel's eyes. So perfect. He was so perfect.

"Your intentions are right, I'm sure. You've got a big heart. If you didn't, you wouldn't care so much."

~~~

It's been a week.

I've spent most of that week in the hospital. 

The most terrifying time of my life was when Cas went into surgery. They didn't know if he'd make it out, but they knew if it didn't happen he wouldn't be able to wake up. And it was a risk I was willing to take.

Charlie has been taking care of the diner and of Benji. I never asked her to, but she just does. 

She constantly tries to get me to go home, but I can't. I can't. The one time I did, it was so quiet. So goddamn quiet. And he wasn't there. He wasn't there and I can't stand him not being there. Because that is our home.

I keep the ring with me at all times. The ring I was going to propose to him with. I've slid it on Cas' limp finger and I just know he'd love it. Because he loves me. And I love him. And I know he'd say yes.

I spend lots of time in the hospital with Jack. He has to stay because the doctors want to make sure he's okay. He was still shot, after all.

The kid... I don't know. I understand why Cas took him under his wing. He seemed special. But he seemed a little clueless. He was a curious guy, eager to please. I ended up liking Jack, though I was hesitant at first.

Jesse also tried to stop by whenever he could. Jesse says Mr. Novak helped him get through the year so he wants to help him get through one.

When I wasn't at the hospital, I was at the bar. I didn't always drink, but I usually did. I couldn't help myself.

Benny was always there. Always reassuring me when I got down on myself. He was trying to get me through this. He knew it was just as difficult on me as it was on Cas. 

~~~

The doctors don't think Cas will wake up.

It's been two weeks, but no improvement, regardless of all of their efforts. 

And they don't think he'll wake up.

No visitors today, so I spend all day at the bar. By the time it's 1 pm, I'm wasted. 

And I thought I'd never be like my father.

But I'm just spilling my heart out to Benny. Because he's there. Because Maddie left when I tried to talk to her. And Castiel left when I let go. I fucking let go and now he might leave. Might leave forever.

But Benny is still here. He's here and he doesn't care and he just looks at me like I'm the most fucking perfect person in the world and I need it. I need it because Cas isn't here to do it.

"His eyes are blue," I tell Benny. "Like yours, but a deeper blue. They're pretty. I love them. And-And you know what else? He loved me. And holy fuck, did I love him. But I think he's dying. He's 'bout to die, Benny. And I can't—I can't save him. 'Cause I did this to him."

"I'm driving you home," Benny insists. It's 1 am but I've been drinking since 8 and haven't stopped. I haven't eaten a thing. I've just babbled.

"Please... please don't. Not to my house. I-I can't go there. Not if Cas isn't there. And he's not, so, please, just—"

"I gotcha, Chief. You're goin' home with me."

And Benny drives me to his house. And I finally don't feel so lonely, so fucking lonely. Benny is here and I'm not alone. But I'm drunk. I'm drunk to the point where I can barely stand and I just need the blue in Cas' eyes, but Benny has blue, too, so blue and I need something—

Benny's fingers brush my cheek and I look in his eyes. It was my first mistake, those god damn eyes. Blue. Piercing blue. Not Castiel's, but blue, and I crave the blue, I crave the company, I crave the touch—

And then I feel Benny's lips. They're on mine and they feel different than Cas'. They aren't as chapped, they don't fit perfectly against mine but they're there. "I have a boyfriend," I mutter defenselessly, eyes slipping shut.

"I'll stop if ya want, Cher," Benny says. And his voice is deep, but it's not like Cas, not close.

So I grab Benny by the color of his shirt and pull him towards me. "Shut up," and my lips smash into his because they're there, and Cas is gone, maybe forever, and I can't have that, I can't fucking have that and I need somebody and Benny is somebody. He's willing, he's not pulling away and I need someone.

He tastes different than Cas and I have to pull away. I'm done kissing and ready to leave because this is wrong, I know it's wrong because he tastes like Benny, not like Cas. But the blue, the blue pulls me back and I can't leave, his fucking eyes are blue and I see Cas, I see Cas and I can't stop seeing it.

I fumble with the button on his pants and I can see Benny hesitate, but I beg, I fucking beg him and he can't say no, won't say no. If he just said fucking no.

I just need to fuck someone. I need to feel close with someone again. But I won't let anybody inside me, I won't betray Castiel like that. Castiel's dick is the only dick I'll ever have in my ass, even if he dies today.

Benny is already half hard, and I'm half hard, too, because I need this, I need Cas, but he isn't here. I yank all of our clothes off and lube my fingers up. We’re laying in his bed and I’m not sure how we got here, but we’re here, and my cock is throbbing. I shove two fingers in Benny immediately, quickly adding a third and then my dick is there because I can't wait. It's too intimate yet not intimate enough and I just need something but I don't know what.

I'm finally in the heat, the heat of Benny's ass, but I can't let it be Benny, it can't be Benny because his eyes are blue, so fucking blue and I need the blue, it's driving me insane. Benny starts to talk and I need him to keep talking and I just need him to shut up because he's not Castiel, he sounds different, but Cas talked, he talked and talked and praised me during sex and I need that, I need his voice but Benny doesn't have his voice but I'm in him, I'm in him and not Cas. And he's the one talking, not Cas.

I pound into the body below me, staring into the eyes, the eyes so blue and I can't stop, it feels so fucking good and all I see is blue and I'm close, so close and suddenly Castiel is below me, it's Cas, and I've just proposed and he's said yes and I'm fucking him. But it'd be slow and tender and this can't be slow and tender because it's Benny Lafitte, not my loving boyfriend Castiel Novak. Because the blue is different. Both so blue I'm sure I'll drown, but not the same, can't be the same.

I lose myself in the feeling. It feels so good and I fucking love it. I pound against him so hard, so hard and it's bliss, but it's not Cas so it's not perfect, can't be perfect. It’s brutal, mindless fucking, and it’s exactly had I need.

Benny's hand is around his cock, moving at lightning speed and my hips move that fast, too, and I can't stop myself, as Benny comes he clenches around me and I let go, I let go and stare at the blue, so blue and blue and I ride out my orgasm thinking and wishing the blue was Cas because it has to be, because I've failed him by fucking Benny.

And then there's just blue. And I realize it's not my blue, not the blue that I used to see when I went to bed, not the blue eyes of the man I love and that blue can't replace it. I cry, I fucking cry. The tears are warm and I'm unsteady and I don't know how to function. I can't stop because I need the blue, my blue, but I can't have that, haven't had it in so long. So I just leave, I leave and shower, hot as possible, hoping the water will wash away my tears.

But it doesn't, because the tears are still there, will always be there because I just cheated on Cas and I miss him and I may puke because I betrayed the man I love. So I cry, and cry, and cry.

"You alright in there, Chief?" Benny asks and I shake my head because no, I'm not okay, but I can't tell him that, so I lie, I fucking lie.

"I'm alright, Benny."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Yeah. Positive."

"Well... that's good."

"I'm perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School is back on, and while I’m trying to get you all chapters as fast as possible, school will slow down my schedule a little.


	22. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m just filled with guilt.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t plan on ever actually posting this story, so I didn’t exactly give it a creative name. Do you guys have any ideas?

Guilt.

Guilt and pain and regret.

But mostly guilt.

I haven't eaten much, so I can't puke anything up. But that's worse, so much worse. I'm just dry heaving and I need to let something go. 

I cry. I cry and I don't care about Benny because I'm too fucking hungover to care.

Benny drives me back to mine and Castiel's place, as much as I beg him not to. But I don't put up much of a fight. I don't think I can. My mind is blank.

I can't look Benny in the eyes. I just can't. I can't look at them and not think about what we did. Every time I see them, I feel the need to puke again.

As soon as we get to my place, I flop in my bed. It smells like Cas. And as much as I avoided thinking about him, I want nothing more than to see him. Awake or not, I just need to see him. 

His smell is fading, but I don't care. I take what I can get. I try to hold back my tears because I can't have them washing away his smell. I need it.

It's past 2 am, maybe 2:30. But I don't know if I'll ever sleep again.

I give Benny my phone and he calls Charlie. "Is this Charlie?... This is Benny... No... I'm with Dean... You should prolly just come over... It's not good... Yeah, I think it's 'bout him... Sure... Thanks."

Benny throws the phone beside me. "Your girl said she's comin' over. Asked me to stay 'til she gets 'ere."

I don't move. I've sobered up, which only makes the situation worse. Because I was lying to myself. And I betrayed Castiel. I betrayed him.

Benny sits on my couch channel surfing before Charlie comes. I gave her a key for moments like this, so she just runs in.

"Where is he?" she asks Benny.

"Bedroom."

My door is closed so the conversation is slightly muffled, but I can still hear it. "What happened?"

I can hear Benny sigh in panic. I talked so much that he knows the situation. He knows Charlie would kill him. "Maybe you should ask him," he decides to say.

Charlie does come into my room a few seconds later. She's quiet and gentle, carefully sitting beside me on the bed. I don't see her, but I see more light enter the room and feel my bed sink under her lightweight. She gently rubs my back. "You alright?"

I shake my head, grumbling into my pillow. It's not okay. It will never be okay again.

"What happened?"

Before I can answer, Benny starts talking. "I should go. See ya later, Chief."

"Thanks for watching over him, Lafitte," Charlie tells him.

I hear my door open and close and I know Benny left. But I don't move. I stay, face down in my pillow, avoiding any responsibilities and thoughts of Castiel.

"You gonna talk?" Charlie asks.

I shake my head.

"You gonna see Cas later?"

I feel my gut clench and suddenly I want to puke again. I can't do that. I shake my head again.

"You want some pie?"

I want it. I haven't eaten substantial food in a while. But I don't deserve it. I know I don't. Because pie brings me joy that I shouldn't have. So, once again, I shake my head.

"Geez, you're really messed up," Charlie comments. 

I nod.

Charlie grabs my shoulder and flips me over and I realize my pillow is wet. As much as I had tried to avoid crying, I hadn't been able to. Because Cas isn't here. 

Char frowns, wiping my cheeks with one finger. But she doesn't comment on them. "Come on," she says.

"What're we doing?" I ask, my voice quiet and husky.

Charlie looks me up and down, then shakes her head. "First, you need a shower—one where you use shampoo and soap and actually clean yourself. Brush your teeth, shave, clean yourself up. I'm getting you to put some clean clothes on. Then, I'm getting you some food. I expect you to tell me what happened over a pizza. After that, you need to sleep. You need it."

I bit my lip, hesitant. But she's right and she's stubborn. "Alright," I eventually agree.

And, let me say, it's great. I'm finally clean. I don't smell like roadkill, and I don't look like it, either. And as good as this is compared to my past few days, it's gives me time to sit in my thoughts and grieve. I think I hate myself even more now. 

While I'm cleaning myself up, Charlie orders some food. I'm surprised any place is still open and delivering at this hour, but, whatever.

The pizza is heavenly considering I haven't had a real meal in forever. And it's nice to have a friend there, too. Someone besides Benny. But, still, it doesn't feel right. 

"Alright, Dean, you're gonna tell me what happened," she demands.

I sigh. There was no avoiding it. She was bound to ask.

"It's Cas?"

I nod, eyes down. "I don't want to—I can't talk about it, Charlie."

Charlie frowns. "I don't care what happened, Dean. I just want to know."

My lip is bound to bleed with how hard I'm biting it right now, my nerves rising high. Charlie says she won't care, but this... this is big. "The doctors say Cas is going to die," I start, still refusing to look at my friend. "And I can't—I can't have that."

Charlie nods. "I'm sorry."

My hand runs through my hair and I take a deep breath. "I fucked Benny." Oh, god, this wasn't supposed to go this way, but it just slipped out. It slipped out and now she knows.

I allow myself to glance at the redhead for a brief second. Her face is surprised and concerned, but I don't sense any hate in there. But that can't be right. No hate, no disgust. I bet I'm just tired, because there has to be something else in there.

"That's, um..." Charlie starts, her voice trailing off into nothing.

"I know. I know it's disgusting and, I just... I don't know, Charlie. I'm afraid. I'm lonely. Castiel is gone, but Benny was there and I was drunk and—god, I feel horrible. I feel so guilty. I'm just filled with guilt."

Charlie rests a hand on my shoulder, shaking her head. "Dean, it's-it's fine. I get it."

"You do?"

"I get it, Dean. Really. Because you-you're feeling sad. And we don't know if Cas is coming back. I think anybody would understand if they were in your position."

I look blankly at the pizza crust on my plate. Talking about this has made me lose my appetite. "I just—I think I'm gonna go sleep," I tell Charlie.

She nods, her face clearly concerned but caring. "I get it. You need some sleep."

I head to my bed but just stare at the ceiling for some time. Charlie's cleaning up in the kitchen, and I'm so grateful for her.

"Hey, Char?" I calm out, and soon she is at my door. 

"Yeah?"

"Could you... could you just, stay the night? I don't—I don't trust myself."

"'Course."

"Thank you."

"You know what else, Dean?"

"Hmm?"

"Stay away from the bar."

"I know."

"G'night, Dean."

"Night, Charlie."


	23. Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why are you crying, angel?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter  
> These are dreams

The dream starts as it always does.

Mom is pregnant. Then the house begins to burn. And she's dead.

But Sammy's not dead this time. He's with John, beside him. "You killed her," John says, kicking my side. I cry out.

I don't deserve this. I don't—I didn't kill her. I know I didn't. I couldn't have.

But Sam's there, too. I want to ask for him to save me, but I can't. Blood fills my mouth and I gag, I choke. And I think that this is how I'm going to die.

Sam stares at me, tears rolling down his face. "How could you?" He mutters. "How could you do that to him?"

His fist hits my face and more blood spews from my mouth. I clench my gut, and it feels empty and bruised and beaten. John kicks it again.

"You killed him," Sam continues, tears streaming down his cheeks and that's what hurts me the most. Sam is hurting, he's sad, he's upset. And it's because of me. But I can't help him. I can't because I'm stuck to the ground, immobile. And my little brother is hurting. "You killed Cas."

My heart hurts at that. I try to talk once again, but only gag from the blood. Blood. So much blood.

I look behind Sammy and I see them. Both of them. Mom and Castiel are lying, limp and bloody and burnt, on the ground. They're dead. Mom isn't facing me, but Cas is. His face is so pained, so pained and he was hurting before he died, I just know it.

I stare at Castiel and I'm so lost that I don't feel the punches and kicks. I stare at his blue eyes, always so blue, and I lose myself.

I'm suddenly in a pool. I'm drowning and drowning in the pool, but Cas is above me. I reach out, desperate for his help, but he's just staring. He's staring and I can see him crying, tears running down his face and he's pained, upset. But I want to help him. I need to help him.

But I can't.

I'm drowning. I'm drowning and cold and Cas is crying, crying up there.

And I'm gone.

~~~

The sky is dark, but the moon is big and bright.

I'm trembling and I'm crying. I'm crying so much and I feel frozen to my spot.

There are hills and trees around me. I'm standing on an isolated road. But I know I'm not alone. I can feel his presence. "Dean?" I call out, looking around. My feet are frozen in place, but my legs are weak and I feel like I'm about to fall down.

"Come out, Dean!" I yell, my shaky voice echoing throughout the forest.

Through the trees, I see a figure emerge. I know it's Dean, somehow. I know it is.

He's laughing. Maniacally. And when he walks through the trees, getting closer and closer to me, I can see his eyes aren't the normal green. They're black, pure black and pure evil. His face is bloody and he's smirking, laughing.

"Why're you crying, angel?" Dean asks. "I'm here."

"Dean," I plead, knowing something bad is bound to happen. "Dean, please-please don't. I need your help, Dean." A breeze blows by us and my hair rustles in the wind. My tears are cold as they stream down my face, but they won't stop. I don't know why I'm crying, but I am, and I can't stop.

I feel trapped. 

"Let me go," I beg. I don't know why I'm saying this. I don't know if Dean has trapped me. I don't know why his eyes are black. I miss the green, the apple green that filled my best waking moments.

But Dean shakes his head. And he pulls out a gun. It's a gun. "It's them or you," he says, pointing the gun my direction.

"Who?" I ask. I look around me and see the kids. Little Jesse and Jack. 

Those two are my favorite students. They just want to be accepted. People think they are disasters, think that since their parents have some issues they don't deserve to live. But that's not true. They're perfect kids, just a little misunderstood.

"Don't hurt them," I tell Dean. But it's not Dean, it can't be him, because he'd never do this. These eyes are black, pitch and pure black.

Jesse and Jack are crying, too. But they have odd smiles on their face. Their eyes are horrified, but they're smiling.

"You want me to hurt you instead, sugar?" Dean asks. 

I shake my head, and the tears are falling quicker now, quicker and quicker. They're just kids, they don't deserve to die. "If it's me or them, it's me. I'm not letting you kill two innocent kids."

Dean shrugs. "Whatever." He shots my arm, and a stabbing feeling runs through my veins. My boyfriend just shot me. He shot me. "Damn it, I missed," he mutters sarcastically, bullets flying through Jesse's then Jack's head. 

"No, me!" I shout. "I said shoot me!"

Dean's eyes lose the black, the beautiful green there once again. "Goodbye, Castiel," he says with a smile. He points the gun at his head, and I shout, I try to charge towards him, but—

Bang.

I fall forward on my knees as Dean's body falls backwards, dead and bloody. The gun clatters to the ground, and I let out a strangled cry.

He's dead. 

Why him and not me? Why him? Why not me?

But suddenly Dean is gone. His body is gone and I'm standing again, starting it all over again. All again.

"Dean?

"Come out, Dean!"

"Why are you crying, angel?

"I'm here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two things!  
> 1\. I’ve been updating the tags, check them if there are any triggers or warnings you need.  
> 2\. I’ve been toying with a debate with my friends over chapter 21. I’ve been posing them with the question: “Your boyfriend is in a coma and you’re told he has a 2% chance to live. You get drunk and spill your life to the bartender. If you have sex with the bartender, who is at fault? You for getting drunk and cheating, or the bartender for taking advantage of you?” I want you comment who you think is at fault. I’m truly curious. I won’t say my idea because I don’t want to influence y’all.


	24. Cried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “A thousand words won't bring you back;  
> I know because I've tried.  
> Neither will a thousand tears;  
> I know because I've cried.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this came out so late, I completely blanked on the fact that I planned to pose today! Sorry about that. The next chapter will be up as soon as possible: at the earliest Wednesday, at the latest Saturday.

With some pressure from Charlie, I go see Cas the next day.

It's been two days since I've last seen him. And all I can hope for is—is that he's still alive.

Tessa greets me with a smile when I walk in. "You didn't come yesterday," she points out. "I was worried something happened to you."

I give a fake chuckle and fidget with my hands. I don't know how I can walk into his room right now. But I do.

Castiel is just how I left him. "He's more responsive," Tessa tells me, and I feel my heart skip a beat.

"Responsive?"

"Yeah. Simple things: a twitch of the hand, jerk of the leg. Yesterday I'm pretty sure I even saw him cry."

"Cry?"

"Not that it's good that he was crying, but, that's a big step. Something must've happened, I think, that made him more responsive."

I nod, staring at Cas in disbelief. This is great, right? He's gonna wake up. Isn't that good?

But dread settles in my gut. I'd have to tell him about Benny. I'm such a horrible person, let alone horrible partner. How could I do that to a dying man? How could I tell a newly awake man that the love of his life is a great big bag of dicks?

I shake the thoughts away, taking my usual seat beside Cas.

A minute or two later, Jesse comes into the room. "Hello, Mr. Winchester," he greets.

I smile, waving at him. I've given up on trying to convince him to just call me 'Dean.' "Hey, Jesse." I intertwine my fingers with Castiel's, squeezing tightly. And, maybe it's just my imagination, but I think Cas might have squeezed back. I look at the hand, but, as usual, it lies limp. I'm glad that I have a distraction from Benny, now that Jesse's here. "No school today, kid?"

"It's Saturday, Mr. Winchester," Jesse tells me. And I think back. God, it's Saturday. I don't think I've kept track of what day it is since... well, since before this.

I nod. "Right. Right, yeah."

Jesse pulls up a seat on the other side of Castiel, cocking his head as he stares at him in a very Cas-like manner. "You think he's gonna wake up soon?"

I shrug, rubbing my thumb across Cas' hand. "Maybe. Sounds like he's getting closer to waking up."

Jesse nods. He pulls his feet up to his chest, sitting in silence like he always does when he comes here. He begins mumbling quietly to himself, eyes facing his knees. Jesse smiles slightly.

"What?" I ask, and I can't help but smile at the kid, too.

Jesse shrugs. "Mr. Novak just taught me part of a poem," he explains. "From 'A Tribute to Tyrone' by Kily Dunbar. Seems a little fitting right now."

"Why'd he teach you a poem if he taught science?"

"I don't know. He did that, sometimes. That's why kids love him, though. He made class fun and original."

I shift my body so I'm facing Jesse more. "Teach me the poem."

"What?"

"Teach me the poem. I want to hear it."

Jesse looks nervous and stares at his knees again. "A thousand words won't bring you back;  
I know because I've tried.  
Neither will a thousand tears;  
I know because I've cried."

The side of my lip quirks up and I squeeze Cas' hand again. 'Course he'd teach some little kids that. And I feel the tears coming again. Because this kid is just—he's so cute, and he looked up to Cas. He loved him.

My head jerks up as the heartbeat monitor beeps faster, along with my heart. "What's happening?" I wonder allowed.

It happened for a few beats and then was back down to normal. Jesse and I stare at Castiel, worry written all over our faces.

And—

Fuck yes.

"Get the doctors!" I yell at Jesse, who quickly nods and runs out of the room.

I see Cas open one blue eye, feel him squeeze my hand. He tried to open his mouth, to speak, but he doesn't, he can't. 

And, god, I'm going to cry. I don't want to cry, I don't want that to be the first thing Cas sees when he wakes up. So I try not to cry.

Tessa comes in with Jesse, smiling brightly when she sees Castiel lift his head slightly. "Just relax, Mr. Novak," she says, and it's one of the few times I hear her call him that. She checks some of his vitals and gets Cas some water. "Well, it seems like he's making a great recovery!"

I smile, squeezing his hand again. He squeezes back, very lightly and very weakly. But it's there. He's there.

Jesse practically jumps on Cas, and Cas winces. The kid quickly apologizes. "I'm glad to see you, Jesse," Cas says. His voice is quiet and dry, but he's talking. He's talking.

"I'm glad to see you awake, Mr. Novak."

Castiel's lip quirks up, and I smile. "How've you been?" Cas asks.

"I'm alright," Jesse answers.

A happy little kid with a cast comes running into the room. "Mr. Novak!" Jack says in excitement. "You're okay!"

Cas is in his element. He's happy with these kids, I can see it. "What happened to you, kid?"

"Oh, no big deal. You saved me, though," Jack tells him. "But, I decided to devout all my time in the hospital to learning about bees. You love them, remember?"

Cas looks confused. He's looked confused since seeing Jack's arm. "I remember. Do you—cough—ow. Do you two mind giving us some time?"

Jesse looks between me and his teacher and nods, stepping out of the room. Jack trails after Jesse, the two having become close through their time with Castiel. And once they're gone, I can't help it. Tears fall out, and I can't stop them. They keep falling. I kiss Cas' hand and whisper sweet nothings, happy that my boyfriend is back.

"Dean, it's okay. But-But, what happened?"

"You-You don't remember?"

Cas shakes his head. I rub his hand with my thumb, sniffing. "Um, there was a-a school shooting. You were ushering kids out and-and you got shot. Twice. Shoulder and head, I think."

Cas nods. Shock is written all over his face. "I was—" he doesn't continue.

"What's the-what's the last thing you remember?" I ask, scared he had lost more memory. 

"Um, the last thing I remember is-is Sam's wedding, I think."

I frown. "That was-that was over a year ago, baby."

I can see tears well in Castiel's eyes. "What?"

"Um-Um, Tessa?" I call out, staring into the blue of Cas' eyes. 

Tessa walks in, confused. "Yes?"

"I can't—" Cas begins, but his voice catches in his throat.

"He can't remember anything," I finish for him, head staring at his hand.

Tessa sighs. "I was worried that might happen," she admits. "How much do you remember?"

Cas clears his throat a little bit, wiping his nose. "I-Um—Dean tells me it was a year ago. I remember his brother's wedding."

Tessa nods. She checks his vitals once again and then calls in the doctor. Her tag reads Dr. Billie. "What's wrong with him?" I ask, foot tapping anxiously on the ground.

Dr. Billie shakes her head. "Nothing is wrong with him. Not only is this normal after trauma, but also with where the bullet hit his brain, it was more than likely."

I take a deep breath and nod.

"Now, Mr. Novak, I'm going to have to ask you some questions about what you do remember. What is your full name?"

"Castiel James Novak."

"How old are you?"

"40." I cringe. He's 41. I'm 40.

"When were you born?"

"September 18, 1977."

"What is the name of the man sitting beside you?"

"Dean Winchester."

"What is your relationship with him?"

"He's my boyfriend."

"And the child over there?" It was then I realized Jesse was standing in the corner looking nervous and fiddling with his thumbs.

"He is my student." Except he isn't. Not anymore. 

Dr. Billie nods and sighs. "I'll ask you more questions later, Mr. Novak. But, for now, I do not want Dean telling you about what happened. He'll remember when he remembers."

I feel like jumping up and shoving her out of the room. Cas is my boyfriend! I want him to know that he is 41 years old. I want him to know that he hasn't taught Jesse in a year. And I want him to know that some dude who is messed up in the brain shot him and he almost died.

"We'll get through this, Dean" Castiel assures me, seeing my worry.

"I know."

"Do you?"

"I know, Cas. You're strong. We'll get through this."

"We always do."


	25. Affair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “...I had an affair.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I got this chapter in quicker than I thought. I’ll probably have a week where you get chapters daily. Enjoy!

As it turns out, Castiel does begin to slowly regain his memory.

I keep the ring in my jacket pocket. I don't feel like I even have the right to propose to him, right now. He's going through so much, and the last thing he needs is this.

Sam and Jess decide to fly out and see the two of us. I beg them not to, telling them I've got it handled. But they don't listen. And I guess I'm glad to have their support.

Only one student died during the shooting. It was a little girl named Lilith. It turns out, she knew the shooter—or shooters—and she had asked to be shot. The doctors tried to save her, but she was dead within minutes of the ambulance getting there.

"I never liked her," Cas admitted, "but I never wanted her to die."

Cas is finally back home, though. He can't return to work for some time, and he hasn't recovered all of his memories, but he's home.

I think it's best if I just don't tell him about Benny. Because when Benny and I... Well, Cas was basically dead.

But it's eating me up. It's eating me up inside because I cheated on my boyfriend. And every time he says that he loves me, I feel like breaking into tears because I love him, too, but I betrayed him. And I can't do anything about it.

God, I'm horrible. I'm a horrible boyfriend. It doesn't matter if he was 'basically' dead. He still had a heartbeat. He was still alive, still my boyfriend.

I was still about to propose to him.

But he still doesn't know. Doesn't know either of those things.

Most of the diner staff comes over to greet Castiel, to give us some food, and to wish my boyfriend a good and fast recovery. I have so much food in my fridge from all these visits, and most of it I serve at the diner.

"I'm so glad you're home," I whisper, kissing Cas' forehead.

He smiles. His body is still frail and weak, but he has more color in his skin, and I can see those blue eyes more and more. He's eating, which he wasn't big on when he first woke up, and his recovery, according to Tessa, is moving fairly fast.

"When are you going back to work?" Cas asks me.

I look at him, taken aback. "Back to work?"

"The diner. When are you—when are you going back?"

I scrunch my eyebrows up. "When am I going back? Cas, this is about you. I'll go back when you're recovered, and—"

"Dean," he cuts me off. "I want you to go back. I don't want to hold you back. I'm fine. I can take care of myself."

"Except for the fact that you still have trouble breathing and get dizzy easily."

"It's no big deal, honey. I promise."

I sigh. "You're stubborn," I tell him.

He smiles and kisses my hand. "You know I am."

"Alright. Here's what I propose," I begin. "I'll take one more week off. Then, I'll go back to my normal work schedule. Alright?"

I can see Cas going over the options in his head. 

"You're stubborn, Cas, but so am I."

"I know you are."

Castiel nods and I kiss him. As much as we kiss, I can't seem to get enough of it. He's so perfect, and I'm so... not. But he's here. He's still here, which is why he can't know about Benny. He can never know.

Charlie comes over later, and she, too, pesters me about going back to work.

"I got stuff to work out," I tell her as Cas is in the bedroom, sleeping.

"Oh," Charlie replies. "Have you told him about the..."

I shake my head. She doesn't need to finish her sentence. "No. He doesn't need to know."

Charlie shrugs. "I dunno, I think honesty is a valuable part of a relationship."

"Char, this isn't—this isn't as easy as honesty."

"Yes it is, Dean!"

"He was dying. He might as well have been dead. I did—I did nothing wrong, Charlie."

"I'm not saying you did anything wrong, Dean. Just, I think it's in your best interest—"

"This is my relationship, Charlie! I choose what's in my 'best interest,' not you. So, please, just—"

"I'm just saying you should be honest. It's not that much to ask."

"What isn't that much to ask?" Castiel asks groggily behind me.

I stiffen and quickly turn. "Nothing, baby," I assure him. I glare at Charlie, warning her not to say anything. She puts her hand up in defeat.

Cas is suspicious, and looks between the two of us. But, he decides not to say anything.

Soon after Charlie leaves, my brother and his wife come over. They've checked in on us everyday, ensuring we're eating and taking care of ourselves. I think Sam is more concerned about me than my boyfriend, though.

Cas went back to sleep once Charlie left, so Jess and Sam are careful not to wake him. Jess decides to heat some of the meatloaf Balthazar brought over—and, let me say, it's fucking fantastic. It's on the menu, now.

I groan once my phone rings. It's in my coat pocket, still, but it's so far away. It's in the kitchen. "Hey Jess?" I call out. "Can you bring my phone over?"

Jess laughs but obliges. 

Bobby is calling. Of course it's Bobby. Not that I'm against it, but I'm not really up for talking right now. "Hey, Bobby," I greet, trying to put joy into my voice.

"Hey, boy. How's that boyfriend of yours doin'?"

"He's alright."

"What about you?"

"I'm... getting by."

"Anything I can help with?"

"Just stress. It's fine, Bobby, no need to worry yourself."

"'Course I'm gonna worry myself, ya idjit. You haven't called in a while."

"I'm so sorry, I've just—I've been caught up, I guess."

Bobby sighs. "I worry 'bout ya, son."

"I know."

"Just... keep in touch, ya hear?"

"I hear ya, Bobby. I'm gonna go, though, alright?"

"Alright. See ya, Dean."

"Bye, Bobby."

I hang up with a sigh. "Hey, Sammy, can you go check on Cas?" I ask. "He's, uh, been asleep a while. Tried to kill me last time I woke him up, though."

Sam nods, and as soon as he leaves, Jess comes slipping over to me, smiling and squealing. "When?" She asks.

"When?"

"When are you going to propose?"

"Propose?" I ask, keeping my voice quiet. Then I remember. "The ring was in the pocket, wasn't it?"

Jessica nods sheepishly. "Sorry, I know—"

"No, no, it's fine," I assure her. "I shoulda been more careful. But, to answer your question, I think I'm gonna wait."

"What?"

"I was—I was gonna do it, a while ago. The day that, um, the day that he got shot. But, ya know..."

Jess nods understandingly. The microwave beeps with the meatloaf, and Jess sighs. "You want some?"

I shake my head.

"You need to eat, Dean."

I roll my eyes. "Fine."

Jess smiles as she gets up. Sam and Castiel both wander in at that moment, and Jess beams. "Hey, Cas!" She greets, wrapping her arms around him gingerly. The bullet wound on his chest is still healing, but it's getting better.

"What were you guys talkin' about?" Sam asks, stealing some of the meatloaf that Jess heated up.

"Nothing," I quickly assure them. I see Jess roll her eyes.

"You've been so... jumpy," Castiel points out. "Secretive. What's going on?"

I sigh and bite my lip. "Can we, um, talk about this later?"

Cas doesn't respond, just starts a conversation with Jess.

"Hey, Dean, we should go out for a drink," Sam suggests. "Maybe that bar you really like. What was it called again? Pur- something, right?"

"We are not going to Purgatory," I practically growl, trying not to yell. All eyes turn to me.

"So it's called Purgatory," Sam responds, not taking the hint.

"We are not going to Purgatory!" My hand is shaking and I have to squeeze my eyes shut. 

"What is going on?" Cas demands.

"Just drop it, Cas!"

"I will not drop it."

"Castiel, I swear to god—" I stop myself. I'm breathing heavy and I'm sure I'm about to puke up the meatloaf that I haven't even eaten yet. I regret it all. I feel drunk and hungover at the same time. I try to meet Cas' eyes, but I can't, because as soon as I look in them I see my mistake and I see—I see Benny's blue.

The world goes blurry and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure if I'm dizzy. I think I'm crying. I raise a shaky hand and feel my wet cheeks, but I don't try to stop crying. Jess and Sam just look between me and Castiel, but Cas just looks at me, his gaze intense. I think he's crying, too.

"What's happening, Dean?" Cas asks me, his voice shaky.

"I can't—I don't—"

"And don't lie to me, Dean. Not—Not now. Not again."

"I'm so sorry. I can't lose you, baby."

"Dean. What did you do?"

"Cas I-I—"

"Spit it out."

"...I had an affair."


	26. Broke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ll say one thing: Dean Winchester broke my heart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that, two chapters in one day!  
> I do just want to take some time to thank everybody reading and everybody sharing their passionate thoughts about my book. I never expected this, but I appreciate all of you.  
> I’m expecting this book to be 35-40 chapters, so we may be nearing the end. Enjoy.

"I had an affair."

"Y-You what?"

"We'll, um, leave you two alone," Sam carefully says. Dean and I are both crying and breathing heavily, and my hands won't stop shaking. Dean's brother grabs Jessica's hand and they both make their way to the guest bedroom. Unless we whisper, they'll still hear us, but they won't be in here. And I can't care about them at the moment.

Dean's voice is just as shaky as mine, but I don't think he cares. "I'm sorry, Cas—"

"Please," I beg. "Please tell me you're lying."

His lip is trembling. "Please don't leave me."

"Dean, I—"

"You were dead, Cas. I swear you were—you were dying. And I just—I don't know—"

"Dean. Please, just... please spare me the details. I think I'm gonna—I think I'm just gonna stay at Gabe's, for a day or two. I can't—"

"Cas, please, I'm begging you, just, if you let me explain—"

"No. Dean, can you—can you just give me some time?"

He sighs. "I'm so sorry."

"I don't want your apologies."

"I'm—A-Alright. I'll, uh... I guess I'll just—"

"Who?"

"What?"

"Who was it? Was it that Carmen girl? Or-Or Maddie?"

He bites his lip so hard I'm sure it'll pop. "Benny," he answers.

And that's a fucking jab to the heart. Dean puts his head down. "I'm gonna go out, for a bit," he tells me. "That way you can make arrangements if you don't wanna stay the night."

I nod. I won't look at him, either.

He slowly goes to his feet and walks out the front door. I don't know where he's going, but he's gone.

Dean—

He cheated on me.

With that blood-sucking slut, Benny.

Well, dick-sucking, apparently.

I call Gabriel almost immediately after Dean leaves. 

"What's up, little bro?" He greets.

I sniff and try to steady my voice, and almost immediately Gabe picks up on it.

"Who do I need to kill?"

"Gabe, no—"

"What happened, Cas?"

"I just—I need a place to stay the night. Can I, um—"

"You can crash here, no problem. But, do I have to kill Dean? What did he do?"

"Can we just... talk about when you pick me up? Please?"

"Of course."

"I'll see you once you get here."

"On my way already."

With a sigh, I hang up and begin to pack a few things I might need. Just basic things.

I grab Benji, too. I haven't seen the poor little cat in a while, and I know Dean doesn't care about him as much as I do. I thought he cared about me, but I guess I was wrong.

I understand where Dean is coming from. But I was alive. I was alive.

Sam and Jess are murmuring in the other room, trying to stay quiet. Thin walls, I guess. I know they heard the whole thing, but I don't care enough to talk to them. I just stare at the front door like a puppy missing its owner.

When Gabriel does finally arrive, I don't talk. I just walk briskly to his car. He doesn't even question why I'm bringing Benji.

We don't talk until we're halfway through the car ride. Clearly fed up, Gabe asks, "What's up?"

I don't answer.

"Come on, Cassie! I need to know what happened. Who's ass do I need to whoop?"

I grumble something, but I don't think they qualify as words.

"What was that?"

"Nothing happened, just drive."

And he drops the subject. Just like that.

I move around the rest of the day. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to think of Dean's stupid apple green eyes. Or his stupid freckles or stupid bowlegs. I don't want to think of his smooth and caring voice.

But I really don't want to think of the pain and pleading in his eyes when he told me what he had done. I really don't want to think about how Dean cried and didn't care. I really don't want to think about how hurt he felt by hurting me.

It's the only thing I can think of.

I think Gabe talks to me throughout the day. I'm not sure. I mostly stroke Benji and cry. I miss him just as much as I never want to see him again. I think he's caring just as much as I think he's cold-hearted. I think he's brilliant just as much as I believe he thinks only with his dick. And I love him just as much as I hate him.

Balthazar calls me, but I ignore it. I can't talk to him right now, not in this state. He may not even know about what happened, he may just want to check in on my wellbeing. I was shot, after all. But I don't care. I hate both options.

I try to push my thoughts to Benji, or to Gabe it Balth. I want to think about my students and when I'm going back to work. I want to think of anything but him.

Yet he's all I can think about.

I remember the nights where we'd kiss so gently, so tender and loving. The nights where it was pure passion and pure lust.

I can't count how many times we've fucked. His dick in my ass, mine in his. All-nighters and slow, caring lovemaking. Early morning hand jobs and mid-afternoon blowjobs.

I wonder how much Benny got. I wonder if it was slow and loving. I wonder if he shoved his dick in Dean's ass or if Dean shoved his in Benny's. I wonder if there was any foreplay. I wonder how passionate it was, how many times they did it if they cuddled afterward.

I feel like calling Dean. Like calling Dean and telling him I'm sorry, it was a mistake, and I want to hear his side of the story. Maybe I jumped to conclusions too quickly. Maybe this is a big misunderstanding.

But this is... all too familiar. I can't go through that again, I can't just let it slide this time. What's done is done, and, with both of them... I can't change what happened, I can't change who they are.

"You've gotta tell me something," Gabriel demands. "I'm letting you into my house."

"So?"

"And we're bros."

"So?"

"You gotta say something! Any details. Who did what? What is what? Anything. I'm dying to know."

"I can't."

"Sure you can."

"I'll say one thing: Dean Winchester broke my heart."


	27. Chief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Woah there, Chief."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d just like to say that I love and appreciate all of the comments I’m getting. I try to reply to everyone, and I personally love all the feelings this book is evoking. This will probably be another two chapter day, because I have some big plans for the next one.

I'm lost.

I don't know how I'm gonna get back home.

And,  of course, I forgot my phone when I left.

Fuck.

I can't drink. That's what started this whole thing. But I can't eat because I'm about to puke.

I'm stumbling around, my heart beating fast. I can't breathe. I can't breathe and I'm dying.

I'm having a panic attack.

This isn't the first panic attack I've experienced. I got one when John first knocked Sammy unconscious. He was just a kid. I didn't know what to do. I felt helpless like I could protect my little brother.

I had a panic attack when my body was bloody and beaten. My eyes were heavy and I was disoriented. I'll be honest, I'm not sure what happened. Maybe it was John. All I knew was that each breath trembled.

And I had one when the results came back. Ben wasn't mine and Lisa cheated on me. It was the most painful thing ever, to find out that the woman I loved—

Shit.

I did that to Cas, didn't I?

Shit.

A car honks and I jump out of the road I didn't even know I was in. I fall to the ground, confused and scared. How could I do that to Castiel? How could I do that?

Maybe I should just lay here. Lay here and not be found. A chill runs through my body and I realize I forgot a coat. Maybe I'll freeze out here. I'd be out of everyone's lives for good. No more Dean, no more problems.

So I don't move. I don't think my body is capable of moving. I still love him. But I—I hurt him.

Each breathe is a wheeze and my limbs won't stop shaking. 

What have I done?

He is the one person that loves me. He was the one person that loved me. And I really don't blame him for leaving. He deserves better. I always knew I didn't deserve Cas, not really. He was so fucking perfect and his eyes were so fucking blue. Guess I got what I deserved.

I'm a monster, really. I'm not better than any of the low-lives in Purgatory, having sex and breaking hearts. 

I try to think about where this started. I mean, maybe it was because I became attached so quickly. As soon as he walked through the doors of my diner, I knew I'd be lost without him. The mysterious stranger with ruffled black hair and blue eyes.

Then the first time we had sex. I didn't know how to live without that ass, after that. Those back muscles flexed and his tattooed wings made him look like he would fly away.

But, really, I know it's because I let go. I let go, and now he's not mine. I let go and he got shot. And then I let go. I had him, even if he was unconscious in a hospital bed. I promised myself—promised—that I wouldn't let go. Not again. Not ever.

But then I did.

I let go of his hand and went to Purgatory. I fucked Benny and now... now Cas is trying to let go.

The wind whistles past me and I shiver again, the tears against my face cold and freezing. An ant crawls up my face, but I let it be.

I can see glimpses of orange in the sky, the sun slowly beginning to lower out of view. I should go home soon. Soon.

I take a deep breath, trying to steady myself. I can't—I can't panic too much. I won't be able to get home if I do. So, maybe if I just lay down, then I'll calm down.

The ant bites me, so I slap my cheek, smearing the dead insect body on my cheek. A car honks and I flinch.

I wonder if Castiel is okay right now. I hope Gabriel picked him up on time. I hope Sam didn't make a big deal about it. I doubt Jess would bring up the ring she found. 

I wonder who he told. Maybe just Gabriel. But Gabriel could've told Balthazar, Ash. Maybe every single one of my employees will know I'm a cheating scumbag. Maybe they deserve to know. Maybe I don't deserve the diner.

I have a fleeting thought of Bobby. He'd be so disappointed in me. Not just for what I did, but for what I'm doing. There's no point in crying about it, right? What's done is done.

I sniff and get up on my wobbly legs. I'm disoriented, turned around. I don't know where to go.

So I walk.

I choose a direction that might be correct and walk. Because I can't let those who need me down. Cas might not need me now, but I can't let down the others.

But Cas was always the one picking me up. He was the one that loved me most, that was there when I fell. What's the point if he's not here? 

Some rain hits my head and I get a new point. I can't stay out here all night in the rain. I'll freeze. So, self-preservation. I try not to think about the fact that maybe I don't deserve to live.

My legs move. I don't know where I'm walking, but my legs seem to know where to turn, where to go. Like they have an agenda.

And then I realize where I'm heading. There is barely any light anymore and I'm drenched, but I could make out that old sign anytime.

The sun is still setting early this time of year, so I'd guess right now it's maybe five pm. But the bar still has some people here and there. It's not uncommon for people to drink at five, but when you go to Purgatory, you go to get wasted.

"Dean," Gordon greets me as I walk in. "Usual?"

I shake my head. "Not today, Gordon."

I don't know what I'm doing here. Maybe I was simply avoiding the rain. I'm really not sure. It was an impulse decision.

"You look drunk already," Maddison tells me with a sigh.

I shake my head. "No alcohol tonight."

"What was it then? Weed?"

"Maddie, please, just—" I stop when I hear his voice. He's taking an order and that Canadian accent makes my blood boil.

With a huff I stomp up to the bar, walking over to Benny.

"Woah there, Chief." His voice is calm but his eyes dart from place to place, clearly nervous.

I grab his shirt by the collar—

And I can't help but think that I did that right before kissing him, dicking him—

And connect my fist with his face.

It hurts, but it feels so damn good, too.

Benny stumbles back a little as I lose my grip, but I grab him again. "You fucker!" I scream, not knowing what he did. I fucked him, I begged for sex, and I kissed back. He did nothing.

But he had to have done something, because I'm dying right now, and I need to punch someone.

I hit him again, but as I throw my third fist, Benny catches my arm. "Slow down there," he says, trying to calm me. But he looks into my eyes and I see the blue. And now I want to punch him more.

So, I take my left hand and punch him with that, connecting with his nose. I drag him out of the bar and a few people have taken notice to us. Anybody who is here now is drunk regularly because nobody knew comes here. It's always the same.

Benny is a strong guy, yes, but I'm fueled on rage and self-loathing. I shove him to the ground, dropping on top of him and landing another punch to his face. The fact that I kissed with so much passion—

His fist hits my eye and he rolls us over so he's on top. He punches me twice more and then pins down my shoulders.

"I'm bringing you home, Winchester," Maddison insists, and I'm glad it's her saying it and not him.

Gordon has to practically drag the man off of me, and even then I lunge after him, still not satisfied. Maddie pulls me over to her car, and once I see Benny go back to work with a bloody nose and some marks that are bound to be bruised, I go with her willingly.

"What was that about?" She snaps once we get in her car.

I shrug my shoulders and mumble a little, but not enough to give her an answer. She drives me to my house, as much as I don't want to be there right now.

"You can't do that again," she scolds me.

"Oh, I know."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm swell."

"I know I may be just your bartender, but, really, if you need to talk..."

"I know. Thank you, Maddison."

"No problem. Don't drink tonight."

"I won't."


	28. Meg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He’s not like Meg.”

It hurts.

It all hurts.

I'm in a haze from the pain meds, the regular beep of the heart monitor in my ear once again.

I don't know what I'm doing here, but I don't think to ask. Memories are flying past me, memories of Dean, memories of her. Of Meg. 

And it hurts.

I don't know how many days it's been since I left. They've begun to blur together. I've spent most of that time curled in Gabriel's guest room, petting Benji and crying into his fur.

It's all too similar. Except last time, I didn't have my brother, I had Balthazar.

But, once again, I'm in the hospital.

Why am I here? I don't remember what happened. I just want to find my brother and go home.

"Hey, buddy," Gabriel greets me softly, a nurse—Tessa, I think—trailing behind him.

"You've been here a lot, Castiel," Tessa comments while flipping through some papers.

This is all too familiar. Too similar to the first time, too similar to last time. "What-" I try to speak, shocked that my throat isn't to dry. "Um, what happened?"

"You passed out, Cas," Gabe tells me.

"I—"

"Have you been under lots of stress lately?" Tessa asks. "Getting enough sleep, eating, drinking water?"

"I'm fine," I try to assure them.

"Loads of stress," Gabe counters.

Tessa looks at me questioningly, so I quickly answer, "Just a little from the recovery."

"Well, due to the fact that you are still recovering, your body is weaker. You need to take care of yourself. Make sure to eat, sleep, and drink—more than you even think you need to, probably. We want to keep you here a little bit longer, but after that, you're free to go."

"Thank you, Tessa. For both times."

She laughs. "Just stay out of the hospital, Mr. Novak."

"I'll try."

When Tessa leaves, Balthazar enters. He practically shoves my brother out of the room, ensuring it was just us. I can see the concern on his face, as much as he tries to hide it. He always tries to hide it. "What happened?"

And suddenly I can't stop myself from crying. I'm crying again, and after checking once more that we were alone, Balth wraps his arms around me. "He cheated," I sputter out in a breath full of tears and snot. 

Balthazar's grip tightens slightly, and I know he's angry. Of course he's angry. I'm angry. I'm downright pissed.

But I'm downright depressed, too.

"That bloody bastard," he mutters, pulling away from me. But he keeps one hand on my shoulder, taking a seat beside me. Dean sat there when I was last in here. But Balthazar sat there the first time, too. 

"It's too familiar," I mutter with a fake chuckle, glancing around the white room full of medical equipment.

Balthazar scoffs. "Tell me about it. But, how're you holding up?"

I sniff, but the tears continue to roll down my face. I don't even feel like wiping them away because I know more will come. "I feel like this is some major deja vu."

"What happened? What did Dean do?"

So I take a deep breath and tell him what happened. I tell him how scared I was that Dean would leave me when I woke up. I told him how we held each other and kissed when we were finally together again. And I told him about his confession. 

"Don't worry about him, Castiel," Balthazar tells me. "He's just some bloody arse hole who doesn't know perfection when he sees it."

I shrug. "I didn't want him to be like Meg," I admit. 

Meg Masters. My first relationship. My Achilles heel. 

'Meg... wasn't good to me,' I think I told Dean. But it was so much more than that. I was a teenager blind by love, desperate for a hug or a kiss after my father left. And Meg... well, she had that and some more.

Meg did cheat on me. Multiple times. But I looked away like I always did. I couldn't believe it was happening, for one. But I also couldn't lose what I had.

But, it was more than that. Meg... she, um, she got me hooked on drugs. Some weed here, a little cocaine there. And when she broke up with me—"You just don't have the magic anymore. I've found a new unicorn, a true one."—I couldn't stop. She continuously pressured me to get as much as I could get, get so high I was in space. And then she broke my heart.

I had too much, that day. I almost died, almost overdosed. But I didn't, not really. I'm still alive today, still kickin'. When I woke up, my best friend was there. He's always there. He told me I was too kind. I wanted to get back with Meg, but he told me I was clinically crazy. That I was so much better than her, I didn't need her acceptance, her love, her drugs.

It took some time, but I haven't had a drug in years. At first, I wasn't even allowed to have medical drugs, but with some serious therapy and help, I was able to get past that. I still have to be careful, but I'm doing so much better.

After I came home from the hospital, my mom admitted she didn't even realize I was gone for a day or two. She neglected me, didn't even know I was an addict. 

So Balthazar got me out of there. Brought me to his house 'til I could afford my own. My car broke down one day and I stopped at a diner. The owner brought me apple pie and I stared into his apple-green eyes.

And the rest is history.

"He's not like Meg," Balthazar tells me, pulling me from my hazy memories. Memories of Meg's lips on mine, hands pulling my shirt off, high as a kite, and—"He's not."

I roll my eyes. Balthazar is the last one I'd expect to defend his boss. I expect him to say something along the lines of 'he's even worse' when he next opens his mouth.

But, to my surprise, he doesn't say that. "Everything Meg did, it was designed to hurt you. Twist your heart. Dean... he really loved you. And, ugh, it doesn't justify what he did and god I hate him. But he was happier with you. He's not Meg."

The tears, I notice, have stopped. With a trembling hand and a new idea in my mind, I wipe my wet cheeks. "It hurts," I whisper quietly. I don't know if Balthazar heard me, but he squeezes my shoulder for a brief second.

"Time to get you out of here," Gabriel announces. 

"I'm free to go?"

"Yeah, little bro."

"Did you just rhyme?"

"My raps are the best of all time."

"Stop."

"Alright, alright. But, once we get home, you're telling me what happened. All of it."

"I know."


	29. Innocent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You are not completely innocent here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO, i ended up writing, like, three chapters last night that I was gonna post today, but then they got deleted. So, I’m a little pissed, and I’ll try to get you guys another chapter soon, but...  
> Huge trigger warnings in this chapter; check the tags

He took the cat.

He took the goddamn cat.

And I'm so goddamn tired.

When I did return later that night, Sam was grateful. Maddie tried to flirt with my brother until she saw Jess and the wedding rings, which was, quite honestly, hilarious.

I told Sam everything.

And then he and Jess left.

Just like Castiel did.

Maybe I'm meant to be alone. I should go back to hooking up and suppressing my feelings with alcohol. That doesn't sound horrible right now.

But I could still have a chance with Cas. I probably don't, but he never said we were done. He wanted time. I have a chance. I need a chance.

Charlie. She'll know what to do, what to say. She always does.

I pick my phone up immediately and call her. It's late enough that the diner will be closed but also early enough that my insomniac friend won't be asleep. "How's it goin'?" She asks cheerfully.

"Not good," I answer grimly. "Horrible."

"What-What happened?"

"He, um, found out. I told him. He left."

"Are you okay?"

I roll my eyes, thankful that Charlie can't see me do it. "I mean, not really, Char. But what I did—I'm not a monster, right?"

"You're not a monster," Charlie ensures me. "But, honestly, Dean, what happened that night—"

"Woah, woah, woah. Weren't you the one justifying my actions that night?"

"Yes. My job as your best friend is one of two things. Then, it was the first thing: keep you happy and safe. Now is time for the second thing: telling you the truth."

"And the truth is?"

"You can justify what happened with Lafitte all you want. But that doesn't change what happened. You shouldn’t have been drunk.”

"But—"

"I'm not finished. You still had a boyfriend, and I get that you were sad or whatever. But, Winchester, alcohol is not the answer. You are not completely innocent here," Charlie says frankly.

"Charlie, I..." I sigh. "I can't go on like this." I know my voice is desperate, weak, but I can't help myself. I feel like crap. I am crap.

"I know. And, Benny, that dickwad, shouldn't've taken advantage of you. I mean, you couldn't give consent because you were drunk. Honestly, it’s more his fault than yours, ‘cause he kissed you first, and couldn’t keep his dick in his shorts. Yet, keeping with the honesty, I wouldn't be surprised if Castiel left you. I love you, Dean, but—"

"I know. It was a mistake. I shouldn't've done it. But, I-I need help, Char. I can't—I can't drink again, I know that. But I need to. I need to escape, I need to save myself so I don't jump off a rooftop."

"And I'm here for you, Dean. Whenever you need. I mean, honestly, therapy helps. I did it when I was kid. It helps to talk about it."

I nod, breathing deeply. "Alright. I'll consider it."

Charlie sighs. "I gotta go, bitch. See ya later."

"Later."

My breathing is shaky. At least I can't lie to myself anymore. I don't deserve Cas. Cas deserves someone so much better than me, someone, that would never cheat on him.

I really want a drink.

And Charlie isn't here to stop me.

But I can't go to Purgatory, not again. Never again. Not if Benny is there. I don't... I don't trust myself. I don't even trust myself to drink at all, but right now I need a drink as much as I need oxygen.

I think I still got a few bottles of beer in the fridge. I hope I do. I better.

When I open the door to the fridge, I see three bottles of the finest, cheapest beer out there. Three should be fine.

I shouldn't drink at all, not really.

But I do.

I open the first bottle and chug half of it, wincing once it gets clogged in my throat. Tears burn at my eyes, but not from the alcohol. So I drink some more, trying to do anything but cry. I can't cry, I can't do anything stupid. 

I'm sprawled out on the couch, two bottles of beer done and an almost full third bottle at my lips. My sobs echo through the empty house and my hand searches desperately for my phone.

Sam wanted to stay here. He tried to convince Jess, but then Sammy got sick and he's back at a hotel with his wife.

It's almost disgusting how happy he is. A wife to take care of him, a job that gives him lots of money, and so much potential. If only I weren't there holding him back.

My thoughts spiral and the third bottle is done, so I rummage through the cabinets for something, anything. I manage to find an unopened bottle of wine, and despite the fact I'd rather drink some scotch right now, I open the bottle not even bothering the grab a glass.

I think Jessica brought it over, at one point. It's red wine, a brand she likes. It wouldn't surprise me if it was some gift for an anniversary on mine and Cas'. 

Cas. Castiel. My thoughts stay on him as I drink from the wine bottle. 

At first, I feel bad. I feel bad that I did something so horrible.

But that feeling slowly sweeps into anger. Pure, red anger. And I want to crush something, punch something, yell at something. So I grab my phone and call him. He's probably asleep right now, but even if he wasn't he wouldn't pick the phone up. So I'm sent to his voicemail.

"This is Castiel Novak. Please leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

The machine beeps, and I feel flames inside me. "You left me!" I scream, though it comes out as more of a pathetic sob. "You-You left me, Cas. You were—you were gone. I got you back and I want you back. Can't you accept that I made a fucking mistake?"

I leave multiple voicemails as the night goes on. They start angry, screaming at him and blaming him for who knows what. But they turn into pleas, pleas for him to come back to me.

The self-loathing in me right now is strong. It's so fucking strong and I've never felt this way before. I feel panicked, so panicked and I need a way to ground myself.

I stumble around my house, heart aching when I don't see Castiel in our bed where he should be.

So I stumble to the kitchen. The wine bottle is empty and I don't know what to do. I can't drink these sorrows away anymore. I don't know what I'm thinking, what I'm doing. I just grab it, knowing I need something and knowing this might help.

I pull up the sleeve of my flannel and hold the knife in a shaky hand. Just one quick cut to my forearm and I feel a rush of endorphins flood to my head. Shit, that felt good. My heart is racing as the shallow cut leaks blood, and a trace of a smile passes my lips. 

This isn't sadness that I'm feeling, not the emptiness that has surrounded me for weeks. This is something else. Sure, it's pain, but it's excitement and it's happiness, too. It's a rush.

"Fuck," I mutter, just watching the blood dribble down my arm, my lip quirked up.

"Fuck."

"Shit."

"That felt fucking good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the name from Diner AU to Pie and Pain, as per request by my friend. What do you think?


	30. PTSD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”Bro, I think you have PTSD.”

The room is dark. It always is.

I wince when Gabriel opens the door, bringing light in. Benji takes his chance and darts out, and I feel so alone.

"I brought you some—"

Gabe is cut off by a loud noise, and I bring the blanket over me too fast. It was a gunshot, a fucking gunshot and by wounds burn with pain. I can see the kids, the kids scared and running as a psycho runs through the halls, a gun in his hand.

My heart is beating fast and I'm sweating. I've had dreams—nightmares—about that moment. It haunts me and it's happening right now and I'm about to die.

Gabriel pulls the blanket off my head. "The-The gunshot," I mutter, glancing around expecting a classroom but instead seeing the dark room in Gabriel's house.

I'm still too injured to go back to work. I might not go back until next year, even. 

"It was just a car," my brother tells me, rubbing my arm in a soothing, brotherly motion. "Just a car. No gun. Not again."

A few weeks ago they arrested the man that shot the school. I don't even know who, my brain blocked it out as soon as I got the information. I can't deal with this, with the constant fear. 

"Bro, I think you have PTSD," Gabriel tells me.

I'm shaking, but I force myself to look into his eyes. "I-I... what?"

"Post Traumatic Stress Dis—"

"I know what it means."

"Jeez, sorry. All I'm saying is that this is the third time this has happened. And you have nightmares constantly. Screaming about saving that Jack kid."

"But, PTSD?"

"Yeah, dude. I've been doing research."

"You do research?"

Gabriel rolls his eyes. "Yeah. When it's for my brother, of course."

My mind hasn't been on Dean recently. It's been on the shooting, on the bullet wounds that mark my body.

Gabe tells me about what he's learned. PTSD isn't uncommon after what I went through, and apparently, many shooting survivors have it, too. But I... I don't want it. I know nobody does, but this is ruining my life. That stupid shooting ruined my life.

I, myself, grab a laptop and look up symptoms and the like of the disorder. I want to do research myself. It's the most light I've had in my room in days, so Gabe is happy about that.

But I'm antsy. I'm antsy and my body hurts. So I take a few pain pills.

And then I take a few more.

A few days pass, and I feel myself taking the pills more and more. Because nobody just gets rid of an addiction. It sits with you forever. And right now, I need something, anything. Anything to numb the pain done to my body and to my heart.

But all the drugs do is make me drowsy. When I'm drowsy, I can't control my thoughts. They wander to Meg and to Dean, and to those two only. Because those two kinda fucked up my life.

"Cas, have you been..." Gabriel starts when I tell him I need more pain pills.

I shake my head, denying what Gabe's about to say. But it's too late, he knows that I'm lying. He knows that it's true, of course it's true.

This isn't my first relapse, not by far. But it's the first one in years. It's the first time in years that I've trusted myself enough to take the drugs. Because the pain is so great right now that I don't think I can go without them.

"Gabe, please, I—"

"No, Castiel. Just... don't."

Gabe flushes the remaining pills, and I'm left by myself in tears.

The withdrawal is always the hardest part. My hand won't stop shaking and I won't stop sweating and crying and, fuck, I just want the pills.

I scream and cry and kick and shout, but Gabriel won't give me anything. I curl into a ball from the pain, the pain of the bullet that feels like it's still ripping through me.

"You're going to a therapist," Gabe tells me, but I'm in too much pain to refuse. "In a week."

"I need the pills," I beg him. "The pills, the fucking pills..."

Gabe sighs and shakes his head, and I know there are tears in his eyes. I can't see them, it's too dark, always dark in the room, but I know. Because it's Gabe.

But it all just... hurts.

I cower and wince when Gabe breaks a plate in the kitchen. Because the gun, the bullets, the fucking noises are back. And the smell of the fire that he starts, or the chemicals he puts in the toilet, or the screeching of the fire alarm when he burns some waffles... they're all too much. Too much like that night, like the gun.

I barely have time to think of Dean, with the PTSD, withdrawal, and, now, therapy.

"You have to go," Gabe tells me.

"It won't help."

"You don't know that."

I roll my eyes and groan. It's no use arguing while I'm being driven to the therapy session. Gabriel will drag me in there himself if he has to, I know it.

The whole building is very nice and clean. My brother waits in the waiting room as I'm called in to see 'Dr. Barnes.'

I will admit, I'm nervous. I don't know what happens in here, I don't know what to say or what to do it even how to sit. I don't want to mess this up, mess anything up. I'm anxious and flinching with each noise because I haven't been outside in so long.

The room I'm in right now is nice. There are some fidget toys on a small wooden table and a comfortable cloth couch that Dr. Barnes directs me to sit on. The walls are a nice pale yellow with small designs of white seagulls, and there is a small desk in the back of the room, behind the leather chair that is across from me.

Dr. Barnes is a short lady with deep brown hair to her shoulders. Her body is slender and her clothes are not at all what I'd imagine a therapist would wear.

"I'm Dr. Pamela Barnes," she introduces herself. She's taken a seat in the leather chair and her hand is outstretched to me.

"I'm Castiel Novak. It's, um, nice to meet you, Dr. Barnes."

"Please, call me Pam. It's nice to see you, Castiel. What exactly brings you here today?"

"Well, my brother."

"Yes, but why? Why are you here?"

"Well..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the comments! I really can’t express how much it all means to me. Hope you enjoyed the chapter.


	31. Deserve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I deserve that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments I’ve been receiving. I appreciate all the feedback and love I’m getting. This book would be nothing without you guys!

I don't want to remember any of it.

But I do.

Last night was miserable. I didn't drink enough to black out, but I sure did drink enough to pass out.

I'm laying on the ground, trapped between the couch and coffee table. My head is throbbing, my phone is ringing, and my mouth is dry. Last night...

God.

I glance at my arm, confirming what I remembered. There was dry blood on my arm and a bandaid half on the cut. My hands were so shaky last night that it is a miracle so much of the cut is covered.

I let my phone ring, not picking it up. I don't even glance at the time. I just trudge over to the shower, letting cool water run down my back.

~~~

My doorbell rings, and I groan. I don't answer it, I never do. But then the person on the other side starts pounding, and it's so loud so I'll do anything to make them stop.

I open the door, and before I can even see who it is, a fist connects with my face. I taste blood in my mouth. "Gabriel?" I ask.

Gabe is furious, I can tell. He did just punch me, after all. But I don't know what he's doing here, and frankly, I don't care. I just want him to leave.

"You broke my brother's heart," he says. "How the fuck could you do that?" His words are filled with fire, and spit is covering my face from how close he is to me. He's on his toes, finger pointing accusingly at me.

I groan. "Gabe, please—"

He punches me again, and I stumble back. "I deserve that," I admit with a sigh.

His fist clenches and unclenches, the fire in his eyes having gone out slightly. "You little fucker."

With that, Gabriel shakes his head and closes the door, leaving me alone once again. 

I'll be honest, I expected that at some point. If let's say, Jess had cheated on Sam, I would have downright killed her. So this... this was going easy.

All the more reason I need a drink.

~~~

I don't know how long it's been since Castiel and I split. A month, maybe. 

Cas called a few weeks ago. "I can't be with you," he told me. 

"I-I was drunk," I explain, desperate to not lose him. I can't... I can't.

"I know. And I'm sorry, but it's just... Meg, and... I'm sorry. It's, um, official."

I screamed. I said words I regret. I punched a hole in the wall. 

And I hate myself.

~~~

I've found a new bar.

It's called Highway to Hell, and it's full of losers like me drinking away their sorrows.

I spend a lot of my time there, becoming a regular just like I was at Purgatory. The bartenders are named Abaddon, Azazel, and Alastair—the Three Musketeers if you will. Abaddon is a badass woman, but a huge bitch. Azazel wants to please his boss, anything to do that. And Alastair is a creepy, scrawny dude who stares at me too much.

The owner is named Nick, and rumor is he lost his wife and child and has been heartbroken ever since. I don't see him much, only when he kicks me out of the bar so they can close up.

I'm not drunk right now. I'm massively hungover, but not drunk. I want to be drunk, though.

It's like a constant burning desire in my chest, at this point. I don't want to drink, I need to drink. I lost the love of my life, so now I need to drown my sorrows with alcohol.

But, Hell isn't open right now. Maybe... half an hour? I don't know, something like that.

I trudge over to the fridge, pulling out a beer and some old Chinese food. I'm not sure if the food is good at this point, I've lost track of how long it's been in the fridge. The container is soggy and the noodles are greasy and cold. I don't heat them up because I need food; I haven't eaten in... two days?

The food is... definitely not good. But I don't think I deserve good. I'm a scumbag, a complete dick. I've hurt too many people, I don't deserve happiness. And I didn't deserve the pie I ate two days ago.

Stumbling around the house, I find something I thought I lost. It was the ring I was going to use to propose to Castiel.

Cas never would have said yes to me. I wouldn't deserve him even if he did. I'm unworthy, unworthy of Cas, unworthy of marriage, unworthy of, in all honesty, life itself.

My mind travels back to that night. The night that still marks my arm. 

There are a few more cuts on my arm, no scars. But it's downright addictive. Because it isn't sadness, it isn't emptiness. I'm feeling something else.

And I deserve it. I deserve the pain. Castiel didn't deserve it, but he got it. Maybe the more hurt I get... maybe it'll make up for it all, in some odd way.

I grab the knife. My hand grips it comfortably. Each time I cut, it simultaneously gets harder and easier. It's harder because I know what's coming, I know it'll hurt. But it's easier because I know it won't kill me, I know how to patch myself up.

My hand shakes just the slightest bit, but quickly drags across my skin. It hit deep, really deep. There's—wow, that's a lot more blood.

The wound itself isn't larger, no, not in size. I'm dizzy. I don't know what I did wrong, what changed. It will scar, that's for sure.

I try to keep myself upright, and I grab my phone. I hit Charlie's contact, call her. I haven't spoken to her in weeks. I haven't gone back to the diner. I haven't gone many places besides home and Highway to Hell.

"Char," I say, holding myself up on the counter. "Char, Char—"

"Dean?"

"Charlie, I, uh—"

"Dean, are you alright?"

"Help."

"Dean?

"Dean?

"Dean!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m guessing there’ll be 37 chapters in this book, and an epilogue. If I were to write another book, how many of you would read it? And, if you would, should I make it another Destiel, or try Sabriel?


	32. Tiger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Go get ‘im, tiger.”

A month.

A month without Dean.

I'm doing better, now that I'm seeing Pam. She's helped me so much.

I see a physical therapist, too. And I'm almost ready to go back to work. Almost there.

I've been arranging my own living arrangements. I can't live in my brother's guest room forever. Gabriel insists I should stay, and Balthazar lets me know there's always a couch at his place, but I need to move on. I need to really move on.

I have a checkup with the doctor today. Since I got taken off the meds, they've wanted to check up on my pain and my recovery. It's my last visit if all goes well.

I greet Dr. Billie and Tessa as they come into the room, doing their usual exams, asking the usual questions. It's all the same.

I'm filling out some final paperwork when Tessa asks the question. "Where's that man of yours?" She asks. "The one that sat with you when you were in the coma."

I nod my head in recognition. I'd been trying not to think of him, because when I think of him, I think of Meg, and when I think of them I want some more drugs. And that's not what should happen.

Pam tells me that's very normal, but I don't think it is.

"Oh, we kinda... fell out," I answer.

Tessa sighs. "He was a good guy. I could tell he cared about you."

A smile formed on my lips, but I quickly went back to straight-faced. "You could tell?"

"Oh my god, yeah. He practically never let go of your hand. The first night you were here, he refused to leave. He slept beside your little bed."

My hand tingles with the reminder, the reminder that I used to have him. A great man, the one I loved. He held my hand, held my body, did anything to make me smile. He was the one that convinced me to take the teaching job, and without that, I wouldn't've met Jesse or Jack. "He-uh... he did?"

"I had to drag him away, convince him to eat something. God, seeing you in that bed... he was hurt, I could tell. It was like... if you couldn't enjoy the world, he couldn't. And the smile on his face when you woke up—God, I hadn't seen him smile the whole time he was here."

And I can't help it. I smile. 

Gabriel thinks it's stupid, but I still have feelings for him. I care about him, no matter what happened. He was the one person that kept me sane, and I... I don't—didn't—want to lose that.

I was assured by Pamela that that is normal. We like despite, we love because she always says. I love Dean because he is flawed, because his life is a mess, because he didn't trust easily enough but when he did he'd give his life for you, because he had a difficult past and loved alcohol a bit too much, and because he made mistakes, yes, but he learned from them.

Maybe he learned from this, too.

"I miss him," I accidentally admit out loud. "God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to just—"

Tessa shakes her head and laughs. "It's alright, Castiel. I don't pry, no need to worry. But, if you really miss him... I don't know, I probably shouldn't give you advice."

Now it's my turn to shake my head and laugh. I pull Tessa into a hug, and she reciprocates. "Thank you, Tessa. For everything. For the hospital, the treatment, the checkups... and this. Trust me, I won't let you down. I'm gonna find Dean."

She smiled, and I smiled back. "Go get 'im, tiger."

I pull her into one more quick hug, then go outside, back into the real world, the real world where I don't have to get constant check-ups. 

I try to busy myself, thinking about work, Jesse, Jack, the checkup, my physical therapy, Pam. Hell, I even started thinking about the coma.

But my mind couldn't help but float back to Dean. 

He was just hurting. He didn't... Balthazar was right, he didn't mean to hurt me. He's not Meg, and he never will be. Meg never sat with me after the drugs, the multiple visits to the hospital. She never held my hand and cried as she waited for me to wake up. And that means Dean is different. There's hope for him. Hope for us.

Maybe this'll be different, I think. Maybe we'll get a happily ever after.

Just maybe.

I leave the hospital with a smile on my face and a plan forming in my head. I need to talk with Dean, get his side of the story, and, maybe, just maybe, we can be together again.

Gabe is sucking on a lollipop and changing channels on the couch when I walk in. He pulls the candy out with a pop but doesn't look at me. "How'd it go?" He asks.

I shrug and flop beside my brother. "I'm good to go back to work in... a week, maybe?"

"That's great!" Gabriel tells me, and I can see the excitement and pride in his eyes. 

"I'm gonna make myself some coffee," I inform him. "You want any?"

"Can you make hot chocolate?"

I roll my eyes. "Sure."

My body is a little sore from physical therapy yesterday when I stand up, but it's easy to ignore. I move mechanically, not thinking about the task at hand. All I can think about is what Tessa had said.

Dean was hurt. 

No, that doesn't excuse what happened. But I don't know what happened. All I know is that he and   
Benny—

But what did happen? Why was Dean so hurt if he had found another lover? Why would Dean be by my side all the time if he didn't care about me?

The answer is: he did. He did care about me. Maybe he still does.

"Cassie!"

I snap out of my thoughts, whipping my head around to look at Gabriel. "Where's that hot cocoa?"

I smile. "On its way."

"Can you hurry up?"

"If you keep talkin' like that, you're not gettin' it."

"Ugh, stop being such a parent."

"Stop being such a baby."


	33. Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”Dean, step away from the edge.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh major trigger warnings
> 
> (If you’re still reading this Themvegansok... *wink wink*)

I wake up and smell...

Bleach? A disinfectant... iodoform, I think. I'm in a hospital.

I try to recover the events that led to this point, but I can't think. The light is bright, too bright, and my head hurts. I need to puke, and there's a beeping and buzzing, and it all hurts.

I'm hungover.

"Dean?" I hear someone ask—Charlie, I think. "Dean?"

I groan in response, allowing my eyes to flick open for a moment, confirming my theory of who is there. I grin at her weakly, shutting my eyes. 

"Dean, why... what happened?"

And then I remember.

The cuts, the ring, the knife. Blood, so much blood. 

She knows.

She knows, she has to know. I slowly open my eyes, afraid to see my friend. She's concerned, worried. She was crying, I think—maybe she's about to cry. I'm not totally sure.

"Char, I—"

"Dean, just..." she takes a quivering breath, and I can see the tears trapped in her eyes. She looks broken, terrified. "Did you, um... on purpose?"

I glance at my arm. It's bandaged and bloody, but cuts are still visible. I bite my lip and don't look away. I nod. I hear a cry escape, Charlie, see her hand quickly go to her mouth to cover it up. But I don't look at her, not in the face.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, voice barely audible.

And now I'm about to cry, too, because this wasn't supposed to happen. And I hate myself, right now. I'm just burdening them all.

A doctor comes into the room, and she introduces herself as Dr. Cara Roberts. I tell about what happened. The drinking, the cutting. But I don't tell her all of it, I can't. And I'm about to cry, but I can't cry in front of the stranger, she's not a therapist or something.

She tells me I'm gonna have to stay at a hospital, for a few days. Make sure I don't do it again. The cut was deep, deep enough that there'll be a scar. I hit a vein, I guess. I lost blood, a lot of blood. Dr. Roberts said it looked like a suicide attempt.

But I can't—I can't stay at a hospital.

I just can't.

I'm gonna be moving hospitals tomorrow, but tonight I'm supposed to stay here. All the sharp objects have been removed from the room, just to be safe.

I sneak out. 

It's difficult, yeah, but I manage to do it. I put on my clothes and make sure to avoid any doctors that might know I'm not supposed to leave.

And I have a plan.

I go to Highway to Hell. I need a drink. I don't wanna be drunk outta my mind, but I need a buzz. I need liquid courage.

The tallest building I can find. That's where I go.

I can't be a burden anymore. I can't hold Sammy and Jess and Charlie and Castiel and everyone back. If I just leave, leave this world, then they'll be happier. 

It doesn't exactly click, what I'm doing. The fact that I'm about to kill myself. That today is my last day alive.

But I know I have to do it.

People usually write a note, right? I don't have paper or a pencil, so I pull out my phone and begin to type.

Dear Sam, Charlie, Bobby and Castiel,  
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was so horrible to all of you, sorry I was such a burden. Sam, you're destined for so much. I can't hold you back anymore, not if I'm gone.  
I've made too many mistakes. I've hurt too many people. There's so much stress. I lost the only things that brought me happiness, so this is my goodbye. See you all in hell,  
-Dean

It may be the most I've ever written in one sitting since school. I never was a writer, didn't have the talent like Sam. 

But I feel like I need one last thing, one last message. One more apology, more personal.

Time to text Cas.

I'm sorry. I love you, I still do. I'll miss you. Goodbye.

Vague, yes, but it works. Because it's true, it's all true. I love him, as much as it pains me to know he doesn't love me back. And I don't deserve his love. I deserve this.

I put my phone down on the ledge and take a deep breath. It's night right now, not a lot of people are out, but I can't still hear the bustle of life below, below the edge.

I take one last moment to admire the lights from the cars below, the happy little families in apartment windows. The stars, clear and bright as ever tonight. The moon is a crescent, shining down on us all. Shining down on me for the final time.

I feel tears in my eyes again, but I wipe them away. I take a moment to appreciate the breeze blowing past my, ruffling my hair. I grip my necklace—the one Sam gave me when we were young—tightly, and a warmth runs through me. This is for the best. 

My foot inches towards the edge, barely going off. I mutter one last goodbye to the world, and begin to lean forward—

"Dean!"

I practically jump off the building right then out of fear. 

It's Cas, Castiel. 

I start crying.

"Dean, please, don't."

"Cas..."

"Dean, step away from the edge."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would anybody like to proof read my chapters before I post them?  
> You’d get access to chapters around a day before I post it. The only requirement is you need to have Wattpad and a little bit of free time. (If you can do this, it’d be great if you did it with my next story, too. A confirmed Destiel high school AU). Just comment if you’re up for it!


	34. Leaving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m never leaving.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, trigger warnings  
> Thanks Phoenix_67 to proof reading

"Dean, step away from the edge."

He won't face me. He stays at the edge, gazing at the world before him.

No, he can't do this. He can't.

"Dean, please, just," I begin, stepping towards him, "just—"

"Don't move," he instructs. His voice is oddly even, calm. "Don't move or I'll jump."

I put my hands up, halting my movements. My heart is thudding and my face is wet. "Dean—"

"You can leave," he says. "I know you don't care, not really. This is just a moral obligation. You can let me jump, nobody will know."

"No!" I respond instinctively, realizing that I need Dean, need him to stay alive. He loves me back, he texted me that he loves me back. I can't lose him, I just—I can't.

"Dean, I need you to just step back. I can't lose you."

He scoffs and begins to turn around. I think for a moment he's just gonna jump, gonna leave me, just like that. Leave me alone, forever. 

But he doesn't.

He's facing me now, and I can see the green of his watery eyes, the amulet he always wears gripped tightly in his hand. "I'm sorry Cas. I'm so sorry, for everything."

Again, I think he's about to jump, but again, he doesn't. He stands there, his eyes on me, staring into my soul. I find myself choked up, and begin to take a step forward, but Dean takes a step back. I jump backward. I can't have him do that, not now. He's too young, we still have so much to experience.

"I love you, Dean," I say because they're the only words that'll come out of my mouth. "I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you."

"No, you don't," Dean says, his voice slightly larger than before. It's shaky, now, I can see the pain in his eyes. He's afraid. I know he's afraid. "You can't love me, nobody can. I'm a monster, a fucking mess!"

"No, you're not. You're not Meg."

"I hurt you, Castiel. I can't live with that."

I shake my head. No, he can't, he can't do this, can't do this to me. "Dean, please, just... just stop. Step away from the edge. Please."

Dean looks up at the sky. "I'm sorry," he says again, and he leans back. He leans back, arms outstretched as if he can fly, and—

No, no, he can't do that, can't hurt me, not like that. Not when he's so close, so close yet so far.

I charge forward, the trace of the word 'no' on my lips. My arm is outstretched, reaching towards him desperately.

I can't lose him.

It all moves too slowly. The world is so far below us, every person oblivious to what is happening. My legs are shaking but moving, moving on pure instinct. I can feel tears pricking at my eyes because if Dean goes, then... 

I don't know what I'd do.

I grab hold of his arm, by some miracle. I can't help but have this feeling that he was reaching towards me, too, wanting me to save him, regretting his decision.

I pull us back, using all the strength I can muster. We tumble backward, Dean falling on me. We're both sweating despite the cool temperature. Our hearts are racing, and tears run down our faces. 

Dean clings to me like a child, sobbing into my shirt. I hold him back, stroking his back, smelling his hair, kissing his cheeks, his forehead, his lips. I savor how he tastes, ignoring the saltiness from tears and sweat. I missed him, missed him so much.

"I love you," I mutter as if a broken record. "I love you." He doesn't speak, just holds me tighter. "You're safe now."

We stay there for a while, holding each other and crying, whispering reassurances to one another.

I don't know how it all happens. It all feels like a dream, a nightmare. But we somehow make it back to our house, our house, my home. And we're together.

We kiss tenderly. This is all about love, only love. We missed each other, I know I did.

The house smells of blood, alcohol, and sweat. It's dirty, dusty as if it had been abandoned years ago. But I don't care, I can't find it in myself to care.

Dean's lips are chapped and he tastes like beer. He has more stubble that scratches against my face, but it's him, it's him, it's his lips against mine. 

"I'm never leaving," I assure him. "Not again."

I can feel Dean's smile. He gives my hand a squeeze. "I won't let go." Those four words seem to comfort him.

I notice cuts along his arm. Some jagged, some scabbed over. There's a big bandage on his arm, all bloody. "Oh my god, what happened?" I ask.

"I don't wanna, uh... I don't wanna talk about it," he tells me, and I suddenly regret asking, because he looks away from me.

I lift his chin, kissing him again, allowing my lips to move against his, allowing my tongue to slip into his mouth, to taste him, to let him know it was alright, he didn't have to tell me anything. 

"I love you, Dean," I whisper to him as we pull away, our foreheads leaning against each other.

"I love you, too, Cas."

~~~

I don't think I can sleep. 

I'm utterly exhausted.

Dean snores in my arms, clutching to me tightly. I can feel my eyes going heavy, but I don't let myself sleep. If I sleep, Dean might go, might go again, and I can't lose him.

I know I have thousands of texts from Gabriel, and probably from Balthazar. But as I run my fingers through Dean's hair, I don't think I can't bother myself with that, with them.

~~~

Castiel told them, of course.

I have calls coming through my phone every second.

Cas left to go to physical therapy, so I'm by myself. Sam, Jess, and Char are all coming over, and even Bobby is making the drive.

Bobby, surprisingly, arrives first. He pounds on the door fast and hard until I open it, and immediately wraps me into a hug. I find myself on the verge of tears again.

"Don't do that," Bobby warns me in his gruff and comforting voice.

"I won't," I promise.

We talk for some time. He comforts me, I explain all of what happened. I shake my head. "I feel like John," I admit.

Bobby rolls his eyes. "You're nothin' like your father."

"Sure, Bobby. Whatever."

"You should see someone," Bobby tells me. "A therapist."

"You got any suggestions?"

"Actually... I do."

"They got a name?"

"An old friend of mine, Garth Fitzgerald."


	35. Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Fucking perfect.”

Dr. Garth Fitzgerald.

My first appointment with him is today, though it's been a few weeks since my... attempt.

I'm oddly nervous.

No, I'm not nervous. I'm just suffering from withdrawal. My hand is shaking and my foot is tapping rapidly against the floor. I'm taking deep breaths, trying to get myself right. I don't need alcohol, I tell myself, I don't.

But god knows I want.

Maybe if I had died that night, if Cas hadn't felt the need to save me, it would've been easier. I wouldn't've had to suffer through this.

No, no, I can't do that. Not again. If Cas still loves me, then there's still hope.

"Dean Winchester?" A man—I'm assuming Dr. Fitzgerald—asks. I nod and walk into his office.

He's a short little guy—shorter than me, at least. Scrawny body, a white button down, blue tie, and a grey sweater. 

He pulled me into a hug, and I was immediately tempted to pull away. The hug lasted too long, and the smile on Dr. Fitzgerald's face was too large when we pulled apart. "Bobby's told me about you."

I give a weary smile. "Cool. Um, so, what exactly do we do, Dr. Fitzgerald?"

"Please, call me Garth," he insists. "And, I mean, just sit on the couch and... tell me the story."

So I did just that.

I told him about my mom. I told him about John. I told him about the beatings, and about Sammy. I told him about Lisa, even. And then I told him about Castiel.

I told him so much about Castiel.

The love. The coma. The cheating. The love again. The confession.

And then the cutting.

I told him about trying to kill myself. I told him about the drinking. 

He needed to assure me multiple times that he wouldn't tell anybody anything. But, in the end, he knew everything.

"Dean," he told me, his hands folded in his lap, "I think you are depressed."

I scoff. "Well, I coulda told you that myself."

Garth ignored the insult. "I'm gonna prescribe you some anti-depressants. And, I can't force you to, but you need rehab if you wanna get better. And I think you should stay away from sharp objects—and alcohol."

I nod and take a deep breath. I'm sweating and my hands are shaking. The withdrawal is the hardest part, always the hardest part. But Garth, the little dude, is right. I can't do that, not again.

I thank him for his time and drive back to my house.

But I feel even worse, now. I need to drink, I need something.

So I text Castiel, asking him to come over.

He dies, of course. And I can't help but smile when he bursts through the door nervously. "Dean?" He asks. "Is everything okay?"

I chuckle a little and nod. "Yeah, I just... I need someone to make sure I don't drink tonight."

Cas nods and pulls me into a hug. "It's okay," he assures me.

I smile at him. He's so gorgeous, so perfect. I don't deserve him, I really don't. I kiss him softly, missing how he tasted, how he felt.

But he's here now.

~~~

The kiss becomes heated.

I grip Dean's shirt tightly, pulling him towards me. Our tongues clash and I swallow the moan Dean releases.

I missed him. I missed this.

And, god, right now... I need him.

Before we know what's happening, we're taking off each other's clothes. It all happened so fast, but we couldn't wait, I couldn't wait.

Dean's chest is hard, smooth. I run my hand over his abs, savoring the feel of his skin against mine.

My dick feels like it going to rip through my jeans right now. I'm so hard, I haven't been able to get off in over a month. I didn't have Dean, and I just... didn't have motivation.

But he's here now. And his hand is cupping the bulge in my pants, squeezing it, soothing it, and I feel my knees go weak. "I missed you," he whispers against my ear. "I missed your fat cock deep inside my ass. I missed this." My eyes practically roll back in my head from pleasure. Dean's voice is gruff, husky with need and lust.

I cup Dean's ass and push him over to the bed. I smirk, seeing his body laid out for me. I slowly remove his pants, and he's practically shaking with anticipation.

Any logic or reasoning leaves my mind. I shouldn't be doing this, not when he hurt me last time. But I don't think, I can't.

I mouth Dean's throbbing dick through his boxers, and he releases a needy moan. I chuckle, sending vibrations down his spine.

When I do remove his tented boxers, his cock springs to attention. I lick one stripe up the underside, then stick three fingers in front of Dean's mouth. "Suck," I instruct, and he happily gobbles them down. "You needy little bottom," I tease him, it's a praise and he knows it. 

My extra hand tweaks at his nipple, and he arches his back off the bed, moaning around my fingers. I smirk and switch my finger with my mouth. I suck on his hard nipple, swirling my tongue around, and attending the other with my free hand.

"Fuck," he moans, and suddenly I forget about any teasing that I want to do. I just deep throat Dean as fast as I can, catching him by surprise.

We do this for a few minutes, my head bobbing as I feel his length at the back of my throat, until my fingers are nice and wet. As I pull them from Dean's mouth, he chases after them but quickly relaxes on the bed again. I swirl one slobbered up finger by his rim, teasing him. He tries to push back, but I don't let him.

When the finger finally does enter, he cries out in pleasure. "Let me hear you," I say, trying to keep my voice steady. His moans are so hot, so perfect. He's so perfect.

It doesn't take long for Dean to be prepped. He's always needy for me, ready. I purposely avoid his prostate, only giving it a brief swipe or two, making him all the more eager.

I find the lube and coat my cock with it. But, as my tip reaches Dean's ass, he shakes his head. "No, no," he says. "I'm gonna make you feel good."

I have to admit, I like the idea of that. 

He slowly coaxes me on to the bed, where he laid and crawls on top of me. He kisses me tenderly, slowly, as he grabs my dick and lines it up with his entrance.

Then he sinks down.

And I forgot how perfect this was, how perfect he was. This is heaven, it's perfect, and everything else is gone, leaves my mind. I don't need anything else besides Dean.

"You're so tight," I moan, stroking Dean's arm. I want to buck my hips up, but I don't. I need to make sure Dean is comfortable first.

When he does start to move, we both groan. "Fucking hell, Cas," he breathes, head lolling backward.

"Fucking perfect." I know I talk during sex, I babble. But I can't help it, I have to let Dean know how good he is, how much I love it, love him, as much as I shouldn't.

He rides me like a pro, kisses me with somehow as much love as there is lust. His hand glides down my chest and his ass slaps against my balls. He feels so perfect, his tight hole, hard abs, round ass. And I can't help but lose myself in it, bucking up against him. "Your ass is perfect," I tell him because he needs to know, needs to know I love him, need him, and miss him.

Our movements become uncoordinated, both of us almost finished. He swipes his tongue against my lip, pulling back, moving with all he has.

"Dean," I breathe out desperately. "Come for me, Dean."

And with those words, that instruction, Dean's untouched cock spurts cum all over my chest, crying my name as he does so. His ass squeezes around me and I grab his hips, thrusting up against him three more times before he pulls my orgasm out of me. I moan deeply, and Dean milks the orgasm for all it's worth.

He collapses on top of me, panting, glowing in his post-orgasmic state. I'm still inside him, my seed seeping out his ass. We're a mess of sweat and come, but we don't care, can't care.

I wrap my arms around Dean, eyes slipping shut. "Hey, Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts, feedback, predictions?
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and showing support. I know the last two chapters have been heavy, and honestly the ones before those were, too. But thank you for sticking with me!
> 
> The book is almost finished, and I’ve decided I will post another book. It’ll be a Destiel high school AU, possibly called Have Some Fun. It’ll most likely come out a week after this book ends. I hope to see most of you there.


	36. Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No regrets.”

When I wake up, my arms are wrapped around Castiel's waist, my head resting on his chest.

I smile. 

When we were together, I was never the first one to wake up. So this, this right here, is a goddamn miracle.

The orange morning light is cast across his face, his peaceful and smiling face. My head slowly rises up and falls down as Cas breathes, and his slender fingers stroke my hair unconsciously.

It feels like the last few months have been a horrible nightmare. Like Cas is gonna wake up soon and kiss my forehead as he leaves to go teach the kids. I'll go to the diner, laugh with Charlie and insult Gabe, and Cas will come over for a lunch break and we'll kiss and hug and talk. When I get home from work, he'll be petting Benji and we'll talk about our days, and then we'll go to sleep hugging, never letting go.

But it wasn't a dream.

I lost Cas, I did. And I know in the morning Castiel will regret this, regret sleeping with me. As much as I loved last night, loved to hold on to him once again, I know... I know it was bad for him.

I kiss Cas' lips one time, but he doesn't stir. I slip away, put on my clothes, and text Charlie that I'm coming to work.

I hope work will keep my mind off of alcohol, off of drinking, but more than that, I hope it keeps my mind off the man I can't have, won't have.

Charlie is pleasantly surprised when I tell her I'm going to work, but I can tell she doesn't think it'll be for long. She probably thinks I just need some money for alcohol again.

She's arrived at the diner before I have, and I can tell the wait made her anxious. She wasn't sure I'd come, I think. Or maybe she was worried I'd be in a horrible, hungover or drunken state.

But I'm not.

The hug Charlie pulls me into is tight and sincere. She missed me, missed the real me, the me that wasn't always drunk or depressed.

I did start the antidepressants today. I haven't felt any difference but to be fair, I didn't expect to. I know no difference will be made on the first day, but in all honesty, I don't expect this to work at all.

"How are you doing, Dean?" Charlie asks.

I shrug. "I'm, uh... I'm doing better, I guess," I tell her. 

"What happened with Cas, after the, uh...?"

I nod. "He kept an eye on me, then left."

"Dean Winchester, did you sleep with Castiel?"

"How the hell did you realize that?" I ask.

"I'm your best friend, Dean. I know you."

I smile. I'm happy to have someone to talk to, confide in. "Thank you, Char. For being there for me."

"No need the thank me."

We start to set up the diner, chatting about Castiel as we do so. She also tells me about Dorothy, a girl who she is head over heels for.

It's good to be back in the diner, like the old days. Before Cas' accident.

The diner still has plenty of business. And once word gets around that I'm back, more people come around. I even see people leave Lucifer's Cafe just to come to the diner.

Both Gabriel and Balthazar kept a close eye on me while I worked. 

When Gabe's lunchtime came, to my surprise and his, Castiel showed up.

I could hear their whispered argument, but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I got the gist, though. Gabriel was mad that Cas came here while I was here, and Cas was mad that Gabriel was being so controlling.

Castiel sighs and storms into the kitchen. He grabs my arm and two slices of pie and drags me out the back door.

"Woah, there. What's up with you, Castiel?" I ask.

I can't exactly make out Cas' face. Maybe a little bit on anger. Some longing. Some happiness. "You, uh. You left."

I nod sheepishly while I rub the back of my neck. "I mean, I just thought that you'd regret what we did—"

"No regrets."

I smile and take a deep breath. "Cas, I... I really like you—god, I sound like a teenage girl. I-I love you, Cas. And if you want to give this a second chance, then..."

Castiel frowns slightly. "I don't... how can I know that you won't hurt me again?"

I grab Cas' hands and grip them tightly in mine. "I don't know," I admit. "You can't know. But, Cas, I really wanna be with you again. I-I'm better, now. No alcohol, I'm not cutting anymore. And I just... I'm ready to open up to you. About anything."

Cas sighed and stared at our hands. "Meg cheated on me," he says quietly. "She got me hooked on drugs. She claimed she loved me. And she cheated on me. Multiple times. She broke my heart. And I... I almost died. I took too many drugs. I tried to kill myself. Balthazar helped me, but, Dean... you hurt me."

I nod. "I know. But I'm not Meg."

He laughs dryly. "That's what Balthazar said too."

"My ex, Lisa, she cheated on me, too. She had a kid. I raised him for some time, but it hurt. And it hurts me, even more, to know that put you through that."

"Dean, that night, when you tried to..."

I suck in a sharp breath and squeeze my eyes shut. I can still feel Castiel's hand gripping my wrist, hear his strangled cry as I leaned back, ready to say goodbye to everyone.

"I know how you felt. Because I was in a similar position. But, anyway... I just..."

"Cas, it's alright. Whatever you say next, I'm okay with it. I love you, and I always will. If you don't want to see me again, I get it. But, Cas, I will fight for you. I'll fight for you with all I have. You deserve better, but if I even have the smallest chance of being with you, I—"

I'm cut off when Castiel's soft lips connect with mine. I slowly release his hands, melting into his body. One of his hand cups my cheek while the other strokes my arm.

We pull away, and we're both smiling. "Dean, I... I think you deserve a second chance."

"You-You do?"

"Yeah."

"I love you, Cas."

"I know."


	37. News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The news is today?”

I'll admit, our beginning was a bit rocky.

Both of our therapists were concerned about our relationship, so Castiel didn't move in with me immediately. 

But we went on small dates. Pie in the diner, coffee dates, homemade meals, movie nights. The classic cliches that Cas loves.

After a month, Cas moved back in with me. We were both clean and sober. And it was good to see Benji again.

It's been six months, now, and life is back to normal. Without alcohol, of course. But, Cas is back to work, Dean's Diner is doing great...

Well, not totally normal.

Sam and Jess insist they meet up with us one day. "What's up with you two?" I ask as I sit with my brother and his wife one day.

Jess shakes her head. "We gotta wait 'til Castiel gets here," she insists.

We only have to wait a few minutes until my boyfriend comes in the house, and he immediately picks up on the tension. "The news is today?"

I nod, and Cas quickly rushes to take a seat beside me. "Spill," I demand.

Sam smiles and grabs Jess' hand. "I'm pregnant!" Jess says.

I grin. I grin and hug Jess and I hug Sam. "Congrats, guys," I say to them, Castiel following suit. 

Cas and Jess go off to talk, and so do Sam and I. I pat my brother on the back. "Sam, I have a feeling that you're not a virgin," I joke.

Sam shakes his head, but his smile never falters. "I'm gonna be a dad."

"You're gonna be a great dad," I correct him.

But I can sense he's nervous. "What if I'm not a good dad?"

"Nonsense."

"I don't wanna be like Dad, Dean. And I didn't have anybody to teach me what to do."

"You'll be fine, Sammy," I assure him. "If anybody can figure out how to be a dad, it'll be you."

Sam and I talk for a little more, but eventually, I go over to Jess and Cas goes over to Sam. I hug Jess. "I'm so happy for you two."

Jess has an even wider smile than Sam. "I'm excited, too. But, what's up with you and Cas?"

I feel myself blushing. Jess was the first person I wanted to tell. She was the first—the only—to know last time. "I'm gonna propose," I tell her.

Jess squeals and hugs me. I push her off and shush her. "I can't let Cas know. I'm doing it next week, on the anniversary of our first meeting."

If it was even possible, my sister in law smiles wider. "That's so sweet. Where are you gonna do it?"

"The diner," I explain. "Where we first met. I already asked Gabriel for his permission."

"Romantic."

"Oh, shut up."

"I'm just excited for you!"

I shrug and look sheepishly at the carpet. "I'm excited, too."

"Keep me updated."

"I will. Oh, but, could you... could you not tell Sam? I want it to be a surprise."

Jess takes my hand into hers. "Of course, I'm so happy for you."

"Thank you. And, again, congrats."

~~~

I'm so anxious.

I'm wearing a tux, believe it or not.

I texted Cas to wear a suit and meet me at the diner. I was met with many questions but didn't answer any of them.

The table I first sat Cas at is lit up with some candles. He ordered the Chef's Salad that night, but I gave him pie—great pie, might I add. It was the blueberry pie. Two slices lay on either side of the candle.

My foot won't stop tapping against the ground. I don't know if Castiel will actually come. He'll come, won't he?

When I see the distinctive lights of Cas' car pull up, I let out a sigh of relief only to suck in a breath filled with more worry.

"Dean, what is—" Castiel cuts himself off when he looks around the diner with a surprised smile.

I smirk. "It's our anniversary. Anniversary of meeting."

Cas gives me a soft kiss, and I grab his hand and lead him to our table. "Pie," I say. "On the house."

Cas is smiling so wide, about as wide as Sam's was when he told us Jess was pregnant.

"This is delicious," Cas tells me after taking a bite. "I can't believe I got this lucky."

I smile, but it's small and hesitant. "I feel lucky, too."

We finish eating the pie, and this meal was much different than our first one. We laughed, and talked, talked about meaningful things. We said all the 'I love you's that we wished we had said before.

At the end of the meal, I take a deep breath. "Cas, I—" 

I get on one knee and take the ring out of my pocket. "I know we've had some rough patches," I tell him, but I don't look at his face because I can't risk him not wanting this, too, "but I still love you. And I always will.

"Cas, when I first met you, I knew you were special. And I hope I'm special enough for you." I manage a quick glance up and see Cas has his hands in front of his mouth, eyes wide. That's a good sign, right? In the movies? 

"What I'm trying to say is... Castiel James Novak, will you make me the happiest man alive—and I really mean that not just bein' cliche—and marry me?"

I stare at Cas' face, and he slowly removed his hands. "Yes," he whispers so quietly I can barely hear him. "Yes. Yes! Yes, yes, yes!" Castiel grabs my collar and smashes his lips against mine.

I can't stop smiling. I don't remember ever being this happy, at least not in a long time. Because the man I love is in my arms, and I can call him something new—my fiancé. 

I slide the ring on his finger, and though it isn't a perfect fit, it will work for now.

I'm exactly where I want to be. My life is going exactly where I need it to be going. I couldn't be happier, I really couldn't.

Our lips don't move apart. I push Castiel onto one of the diner tables and chuckle. "I've always wanted to do this," I admit, looking into the deep blue of my fiancé's eyes.

He's still smiling, a smile full of joy, full of lust. He lets his hand wander to his tight pants, palming his hard dick. I slap his hand away.

"We're taking it slow," I tell him.

"Dean, don't tease."

"Oh, there'll be teasing. This'll last all night, baby."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter just... ahhhh


	38. Congrats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Congrats.”

Time to tell Sam, Charlie, and Bobby about the news.

I texted Jess the next day. I was too busy that night making love to Castiel over and over. And, after that, cleaning the tables over and over.

Cas insists we tell each person separately, as it makes it more meaningful. I agree, but I don't think I could've disagreed if I tried.

We do Bobby first. Drive over to his little house as I grip Cas' hand tightly. We're both wearing our rings, but after we tell the others we're going to get some fitted. 

Bobby opens the door, and it's clear he's surprised we're here. "You two boys alright?" He asks. "Come in."

Cas doesn't let go of my hand as we walk inside. "You two want anything?" Bobby asks.

I shake my head. Cas just stares at me. We're practically bursting with excitement.

I mouth a countdown, and in sync, we say, "We're engaged."

It takes a few seconds before Bobby's face lights up and he pulls me into a hug. "Congrats," He says.

We talk for some more time, but after that, we go to tell the others.

The interactions are similar to Bobby's. Once Castiel and I announce it, Charlie pulls me into a rib-crushing hug and demands "every juicy detail." She gives Cas a hug and threatens him, saying that if he broke my heart she'd break him.

We told Sam and Jess, and Sammy was a little jealous that his wife knew before him. But he congratulated us all the same, patting my back and—I swear he had tears in his eyes. 

Next, we went to Balthazar, as per Cas' request. Balthazar hugged Cas and awkwardly patted my shoulder. He congratulated us both and stared at the ring for some time.

Finally, Gabe's house.

I had already asked him for permission to marry Cas. I know he kinda hates me after the whole... Benny thing... but, after some convincing, he said yes. I hope Castiel knows how much work it took to get his brother on my side.

Cas doesn't knock on the door, just barges in, because of course, Gabriel wouldn't lock his door. "Gabe!" Cas screamed. "Gabe!"

I can hear Gabriel moving from his spot on the couch. When we meet in the hall, he has chocolate smeared across his smiling face. He looks at me and grins. "What's up little bro?" He asks, facing Cas once again.

He holds up our ringed hands. "We're engaged."

Gabe pulls Cas into a tight hug. "Congrats, you two crazy kids." Then he smirks deviously. "I guess that makes us brothers-in-law, doesn't it, Dean-o?"

I groan jokingly. "I didn't think this through," I mutter.

Gabe chuckles and pulls me into a hug, about as tight and Cas'. "Welcome to the family."

~~~

"You're the wife."

I stare at Castiel, my mouth wide open. "I'm the wife?"

Cas looks at me and nods as if it were a well-known fact. "Yeah." He turns his head to his computer, trying to make the perfect cards and guest list for our wedding.

I roll my eyes. "No way, baby."

"You fit all the requirements," he explains. "Great cook, great looks, fantastic bottom during sex—"

I laugh. "You're not that bad yourself."

Cas shakes his head. "Are you saying you're the husband?"

I sigh but smile. "Yeah, yeah, I'm your wife, alright? But all I asked was if you'd be fine with havin' some bridesmaids."

Castiel ponders the option for a few moments. "Well, who would be the groomsmen and who would be the bridesmaids? Or, rather, groomswomen?"

"Well, Sam, obviously. Gabriel. Adam said he was busy on the date we picked, so he won't be able to attend, so maybe—"

"Balthazar?"

"I was gonna say Ash, but, I mean... sure, why not?"

Castiel smiles. "Then I'll be happy to have the beautiful women on my side. Who do we want?"

"Jess," I say, "again, obviously. I was hoping maybe Charlie could if you'd be fine with that. And Jo, maybe? Or Charlie's girlfriend, Dorothy?"

"Have you met Dorothy?"

"No..."

"Then let's have Jo. Those three sound perfect."

I smile and walk over to kiss Cas. "You're perfect," I tell him. "Fiancé."

Cas chuckles and I can feel the deep vibrations in his chest. "You're perfect, too, fiancé."

We continue planning the rest of the wedding, though I'd be lying if I said we didn't call Jess for some tips.

~~~

Bachelor party.

This should be fun.

The wedding, we decided, would be in France. Paris, specifically. Cas is a big sap like that.

Sam seems pretty confident that I'm gonna like—no, love—the bachelor party he has planned.

And, I'll be honest, this looks like a ton of fun.

We're gonna play some paintball then end the night with some video games. Sam worked hard, I know, to find something I'd enjoy without alcohol, and I really appreciate it. 

All the people I expect are at the party. Sam, Balthazar, Gabe, Ash, and even Bobby.

The teams are split up evenly. Me, Balthazar, and Bobby are on one team while Sam, Ash, and Gabriel are on the other. I'm sure both Gabe and Balthazar are horrible at handling guns, and they prove me correct.

My team wins the paintball game, but it's filled with laughs and lots of bruises. I didn't get shot, but I did manage to shoot Sammy once, it was magnificent.

Bobby decides to stay for the video games but refuses to play. The other guys don't drink out of 'respect' for me, so we snack on French soda, French pie, and French chips. 

Somehow, when I wake up in the morning, Scooby Doo is playing on the television and cherry pie filling is spread across my face. 

It was the best night of my life.

~~~

Jess is in charge of my bachelor party.

I honestly couldn't be more excited.

The party consists of me, Jessica, Charlie, Jo, and Dorothy. All four women are total badasses.

We have a spa day, get our nails done, and gossip with cucumbers on our eyes. I got to meet and get to know Charlie's girlfriend, Dorothy, and I admire both women even more.

At the end of the night, Jess reveals to me that she bought me pajamas—pink with sparkly leopard prints, a two piece. The other women wore matching pajamas, and we watched Netflix while gossiping and eating popcorn.

"I can't believe I'm getting married," I admit. 

"Dean's a great guy," Charlie says.

"Forget about all the other stuff," Jo tells me. "I can tell he's changed."

"How?" I ask.

Jo shrugs. "A few years ago, he woulda killed to sleep with any woman we could." She jokingly punches my arm. "You tamed the lion."

I smile and rub my arm. She's strong. "What if it goes wrong?"

Jess scoffs. "You two are perfect for each other."

"Yeah," Dorothy agrees. "Any guy—or girl—that doesn't see you're fucking fantastic doesn't deserve you."

I smile and shrug. "Thank you."

"For what?" Jess asks.

"This. Everything. You guys are great."

"It's what bestwomen do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do have this odd vision of Castiel or Misha, either one, wearing pink pajamas with leopard print? I don’t know why?


	39. Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “God! This feels so right!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly, this is the last chapter. But, don’t fret! I still have an epilogue coming, and I am writing another Destiel story! I hope to see most of you there, and thank you all for this fantastic journey.

Wow.

I'm marrying Castiel today.

Today.

Wow.

My suit is a navy blue with a pale pink tie and flower thing—a boutonnière, Sam insists once again.

Sam and the others are wearing similar suits, but instead of a jacket they're wearing vests, and their flowers and pocket squares are red rather than pink.

Charlie is running between my room and Cas' room, so I learn that the groomswomen are wearing some gorgeous red dresses.

I'm nervous, really nervous. I tell this to Sam and he scoffs. "You two are great," he says. 

"But are we rushing it?" I ask, all my nerves suddenly bubbling to the surface. "I mean, what if I relapse? What if he relapses? What if it all goes to hell?"

I'm hyperventilating now, a panic attack on the verge of happening. Sam lays a hand on my shoulder. "Hey, hey, none of that. No spiraling. Let yourself be happy. For tonight. This is about you. We're in freaking Paris!" He laughs and I smile. "Get married, Dean. It'll be fine."

I take a deep breath. 

Time to get fucking married.

When I step out, Castiel looks beyond handsome. His suit is pink and his tie—a bow tie—and flower are navy blue—our suits are practically reversed. And, let me say, in pink? And with that goddamn blue bow tie? God, Cas may be the sexiest thing I've witnessed in my life.

And when I meet those gorgeous blue eyes, I can tell he's thinking the same thing. I can tell we're going to be alright. We're going to get married and I'm going to love the hell out of him and we're going to stay fucking sober and nobody can stop us.

My hands grab Cas' throughout the ceremony, and he starts saying his vows. "Dean," he starts, gazing into my eyes, "we've had our ups and downs. But I love you, Dean. I'm going to recite a poem—"

I chuckle. Of course he fucking will. And I'm so proud to be able to call this adorkable man my soon-to-be husband.

"These are two stanzas from Donna Donathan's poem, You are my Sunshine, published in 2008.  
'You brought me sunshine  
when I only saw rain.  
You brought me laughter  
when I only felt pain.

Romantics at heart?  
Love at first sight?  
Have I known you before?  
God! This feels so right!'"

I smile at him. He smiles back. "Dean, I can't tell you how right this feels. I love you, I've loved you since the moment I first saw you in your diner. And I hope to continue loving you for the rest of our time."

Tears well up in my eyes. He's so sweet, so perfect. I don't deserve him, don't deserve his perfect pink suit and perfect vows and perfect ass. But, here I am.

"Jeez, why'd I let you go before me?" I mutter under my breath with a laugh. "Well, um, Castiel, I-I'll be honest, I don't think we're perfect. We're both train wrecks, honestly. But I'm happy to be with you no matter what. And, when I'm with you, I'm less of a train wreck. At least, I hope I am.

"I couldn't ask for a more perfect man. A more perfect person to spend my life with. And I love you, I love you and I'll say it as many times as I want. I let you go before, Cas, but I'm not making that mistake again. I'm never letting go. And I'll be honored when I can call you my husband."

We say our 'I do's, and I mean them, we mean them. From this point forward, nothing will keep me from Cas, keep me from protecting him.

Before I'm even told to kiss the groom, I smash my lips into Castiel's, eliciting a surprised groan from my husband's lips.

God, married.

We get many congratulations throughout the night. We dance and joke and avoid alcohol.

Sam's toast, I'm sure, was fantastic. But I couldn't pay attention, not while Castiel was right there, his beautiful, blue eyes staring at me. 

When we get back to our hotel, I practically tear his suit off. It's a gorgeous piece of clothing, especially on him, but it creates way too much space between me and Cas and I can't stand it.

"I love you," I whisper against Castiel's chest. 

I feel like I'm dreaming. I might wake up soon, realize that Cas is still in a coma, or that he's just a man I saw one time at the diner. I'll wake up and start drinking, and he'll down some pills, and I'll cry as I watch Dr. Sexy reruns. But it's not a dream, it can't be, because this, this right here, is too real. His skin is smooth against my nose and he smells like honey and lavender and he's blushing the same color as his suit.

"I love you, too," he whispers. "Mr. Winchester-Novak."

And we have sex all throughout the night, him pounding into me and both of us whispering sweet nothings to each other.

We have our honeymoon in Disneyland. It was Cas' idea, and I don't think I'll ever be able to say no to him again. His dark hair is always messy and soft when I run my fingers through it, and his eyes always light up when I smile at him. There's a ring on his finger that shows our bond, shows we're married. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm floating on a cloud and I don't want to fall.

So I hold on tight. Because I won't let go. Because I love this man. And the past is the past. 

I still have nightmares. Some of John, others of Castiel leaving me. When I wake up, I only want two things—either Cas of alcohol. But I always have Cas, he's always there. I'm safe, now, truly safe. 

And Sam is gonna be a dad and I'm gonna be an uncle. I'm a husband. I'm the father of a cat and owner of a diner and a best friend and a brother. And I fucking crush each and every one of those tasks.

Here Castiel and I lay, in our hotel bed in on the last night of our honeymoon. We're cuddling and some show is running on the tv. We're stuffed full of coffee and cake and happiness.

"I fucking love you, Cas," I say. 

He smiles and kisses me. "I know. I love you, too."

"And I'm sorry, for everything that happened. But I won't let it happen again, ever."

"I know."

"Let's never leave this place."

"Agreed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Umm apparently I just love Castiel and pink? But, admit it, he’d look fantastic in a pink suit. And, obviously, he’d read a poem. How could he not?


	40. Epilogue: Niece

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”How’s my little niece doing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sad to say that this book has come to an end. But there will be an author’s note, thanking all of you for reading and giving you guys information on my next book!

"Thank you for doing this, Dean."

I laugh. "No need to thank us, Sammy. You two need a break."

Jess sighs. "Baby, let's just go."

Sam chuckles. "Again, thank you, you two."

"Go, you crazy kids."

Jess drags Sam out, and I laugh. "I don't know if they need to sleep or bone," I tell Cas.

Castiel shrugs and picks up Reese, my brother’s little girl. She's gorgeous. She already has some blonde hair, just like her mother, but her hazel-green-blue-gray-brown, color changing eyes are identical to her father's. And she's wearing a pink and white striped onesie, which is just adorable.

"How's my little niece doing?" I coo, tickling her chubby little tummy. She starts giggling and kicking her feet, and I smile. I love her. I never thought I'd love somebody besides Sam, but here I am. I have Sammy, I have Jessica, Cas, and now I have a cute little niece that I love more than I thought possible.

The Winchester-Moore's needed a day off, so the Winchester-Novak's stepped in to save the day. Reese is cute, yeah, and I love her, but she's a little piece of work. Just like her father. No wonder the two needed some time.

Cas is great with her, though. He's a fantastic teacher, always has been, but he's even better with these tiny ones. The ones that are just learning to walk and every corner in the house has to be baby-proofed because they're waddling and crawling around. I smile while I watch him play with our niece, Uncle Castiel with baby Reese.

Scout comes over, the golden dog still having the energy he did when Cas first gave him to my brother. He's only a few years old now, but he's big. And he adores Reese just as much as we do.

She's down for a nap right now, swaying in my arms. Her little hands are grabbing on to my finger, and I never want to let her go.

"I love her," I whisper to Cas. "And I love you."

Castiel grabs on to Reese's fat and pale little baby foot. He smiles down at her. 

Our lives were never perfect. But at least now we can start a new chapter. I can leave John behind, Benny behind. Cas can leave behind Meg and his mother. We can start fresh, start happy. I can't help but stare lovingly at the ring on my finger.

"She's a piece of work," Cas mutters quietly when Reese starts to stir. 

I chuckle. "Tell me about."

She starts crying, and I sigh. Time for milk. Castiel goes and grabs a bottle from the fridge and brings it over, taking Reese from my arms and starts to feed her.

"Having a kid would be hard," I say.

Cas rolls his eyes. "Tell me about it. I already deal with lots of little kids at work."

I wiggle Reese's little toes while she tries desperately to hold on to the milk bottle. "I'm fine being the awesome uncle."

I think about what the future might be like. Family barbecues, with my seven-year-old niece running around the yard, playing with Scout. I would teach her how to bake and we'd surprise her mother and father with breakfast in bed. On days when her parents couldn't, Castiel would read her to sleep, doing all the funny voices. 

I'd teach her to drive. The Impala is a great car to learn how to drive in. And I just love her so much that she deserves it, deserves all of it. 

I'll sneak her cookies and ice cream because her parents are practically rabbits with a diet of only salad. My Christmas gifts to her would always be perfect, be just what she wanted. And Castiel would get her something she didn't even know she wanted.

I could get used to this. Cuddling with Castiel every night, and I will force Sam and Jess to do the weakly barbecues. 

Cas puts Reese on the ground, free to play with her little blocks and rings. I smile at her then at him. "You're perfect," I tell him. I hold on to his hand. I made a vow, I made a commitment, to never let go again. And I'm going to keep that.

"You are, too."

"N—"

"Don't even deny it, Dean."

"Fine. I love you, though."

"I love you, too."


	41. Author’s Note

It’s bittersweet to see this book come to an end.

On more than one occasion, I almost gave up writing. Lack of inspiration, lack of general motivation, lack of self-confidence... but your comments, your kudos, even just knowing that people were reading this book kept me going.

I wish I could thank each and every one of you who have read this, but I can’t. I’d really like to thank those who have left kudos, those who have left comments, and the people who have proofread my book so it was... readable.

I’d love to hear all of your thoughts, please comment them! I’ll try to reply to them all.

Now, information about my next book! It’ll be called, most likely, ‘Have Some Fun.’ A Destiel high school AU that will be better edited and better planned. I’d love to have all of you read it if you can, and if you do, please let me know in the comments! Odds are I will be publishing the first chapter this week on Saturday, and I will post one chapter every Saturday after that.

The description, so you all have a bit more info:  
"We're not allowed to leave campus!"

"Says who?"

"Says the rules."

"C'mon. Have some fun."

Dean is a rebellious, troubled teenager. He's sent off to a school for troubled youth.

Castiel isn't troubled, not yet at least. But he's at the school because his parents own it.

But will their lives be better after meeting the other? Or will they end up worse than before?

Once again, I’m so happy you all liked the book. I hope I can do better with the next book, and I hope that you guys just keep up the Destiel and the Supernatural fandom in general! I love you all. Thank you.


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